


The Price of a Good Education

by katharhino



Category: Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-08 15:04:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 80,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katharhino/pseuds/katharhino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although Nora is grateful when her wealthy uncle offers to pay for her college education, she doesn't expect to like it. She is lonely and out of place, and only her cousin James seems to understand how she feels. A modern retelling of Mansfield Park.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is partly based on my own fond memories of life at a small private liberal arts college. Therefore, it's set at the same time I was in college, the late 90s and early 00s, before everyone had cell phones and Facebook. The characters are not real people, of course, although some of Nora's professors are amalgamations of my favorite college professors. 
> 
> I am reposting this story from another fanfiction site, www.dwiggie.com, and I have made some small tweaks and edits from the version found there.

The truth was, Nora didn't know if she wanted to go to college. People assumed that she did – they thought she'd be going with her cousins, or they hinted in tones of compassion that no doubt she could get a scholarship to State. Everyone knew she couldn't pay for college. That much, at least, was fact, not assumption.

Mrs. Young, the guidance counselor, was puzzled to know quite what to do with Nora Worth. Surprisingly, Nora did not seem as enthusiastic as you might expect her to be – after all, everybody said she was a great scholar.

"It's February, you know, Nora," she said. "I do understand this is a very difficult decision, but I'd encourage you to start making some serious progress in your applications."

"I'm not sure I want to go to college," Nora said.

"You shouldn't worry too much about the – um, the financial end of things. I know that's a concern for some students. You do realize, Nora, that with your grades there are scholarships and grants available everywhere? I should be able to help you find some that you may not have realized were open to you."

"Well, yes, but actually my SAT scores aren't that good –"

"I'd just hate to see you miss out on these opportunities. Many top schools have an application deadline. Were you aware of that?"

Top schools! Nora sighed. "Yes, I am –"

"I'm not trying to pressure you, Nora, but everyone in your class has made plans for next year, even those who are just going on to the community college." Mrs. Young lowered her voice confidingly. "And we know that you can aspire higher than that, don't we? Now, fortunately, a lot of late application deadlines aren't until May, so that shouldn't be a problem for you – but you should finish your application right away so you don't have to wonder if all your classmates will be leaving without you."

"All right – thanks for talking with me, Mrs. Young."

"I just want you to understand how important this point is for you," Mrs. Young insisted.

Nora squirmed inwardly. "I do understand, and thanks again."

Gratefully, she heard the bell ring distantly. She didn't think she could stand under the pressure of any more friendly persuasion. As it was, she'd barely time to get to her locker before English, and she was already too late to avoid the blast of noise and inexorable crowds. She'd hoped to have time to gather her thoughts after the meeting. The very idea of college made her stomach flip. She disliked high school enough – any one else would have called it hate – and wasn't college just a bigger, more demanding, more sophisticated kind of high school?

English was her favorite class at the moment, since they were doing Henry James. Steinbeck came next and she knew she was going to hate Steinbeck. She'd already tried reading _East of Eden_ at the library and it had depressed her so much she had to go home and devour half the Anne books before she regained equilibrium. But alas for Nora's troubled spirits, today English dragged on with all the momentum of a cruise ship on dry sand. Unfortunately Nora was the only soul in the classroom who happened to like "The Real Thing" and Nora herself was still thinking about college, her thoughts roiled up and her emotions disordered. She sat mutely through the endless deadly silences as Mr. Thompson tried to extract from his stolid class any sign of comprehending the underlying theme of seeming versus reality.

Home at last, Nora fled straight to her room, half-ashamed of the instant feeling of relief that Ruthie was still at band practice. The closed door muted the banging and shouting of her younger brothers playing soccer in the dining room, and an empty room and a closed door were the closest approximation to solitude and silence anyone might expect to find in the Worth house. She snatched at the nearest Dickens and collapsed backwards onto her bed.

"NORA! DINNER!" screamed several voices, snatching her from a London debtor's prison with an unpleasant jerk. Dinner was best eaten as quickly as possible, and Nora usually retired back to her room after it was over, on the plea of homework; though in truth she usually spent most of the night guiltily rereading a hundred pages of Alcott instead of a hundred pages of _World Culture: Social and Political Implications_. Tonight, however, her mother halted the retreat as Nora gathered her dirty dishes from the table.

"Nora? Don't throw your potatoes, Abby, sweetie. Your father and I want to talk to you after dinner." Correctly interpreted as applying to herself and not the scowling Abby, this last announcement sent a creeping dread through Nora's heart. She guessed instantly that Mrs. Young, with admirable concern for her students, must have called her parents to inform them that Nora was dawdling with her college applications. She'd only just survived that meeting, but a serious talk with her parents was sure to make her cry – she could feel the threatening prick of tears behind the bridge of her nose already.

"So, Nora," began Mrs. Worth when the rest of the company had retired from the table (though only to the family room just behind them, not out of earshot if it were not for the argument Justin and Mark were having over the chore of doing the dishes) – "Nora, we want to talk to you. We need to discuss college with you." She serenely ignored the crash of something from the kitchen. Mrs. Worth was unshakeable in her own way.

"You know Megan and Jessie are going to Douglas University – that's where Tim and James go, too. And then we got such a nice call today from Bill Bayfield – It would be so nice for you to be there with them. You could, um, help each other with your schoolwork and things. Wouldn't that be nice? Very generous, isn't it? We owe so much to your uncle Bill --"

Nora looked at her blankly. She had no idea what her mother was saying.

"Bill offered to pay for your college education," interrupted her father impatiently.

Nora moved her hands and then put them back in her lap. Her mother's meanderings must have confused her – she hadn't just heard what she thought she'd heard.

"– all of it, but only if you go to Douglas," continued her mother without a pause. "You must go there, he said. You know how he loves his old school – but that won't matter, because you wanted to go there anyway. Such a shame for you to be separated from Jessie and Megan, you used to get along so well when you were kids. And Tim and James are such nice boys – at least, I don't know them very well because they're not around very often anymore, but everyone says they're very good kids, and they were so well behaved at Bill and Elle's wedding, so handsome in their little tuxes. Of course that was years ago now, but they are very nice boys. I do think Bill is kind, when you're not even his blood relation, although you are a niece by marriage, but not his first marriage, and he has his own kids you know –"

"Not crying now, are you, Norrie?" shouted her father. "Come on, girl, you want to go to college, don't you? Always reading –"

* * *

Nora found that everything was made easy. She wrote a very stiff and half-hearted essay on her application, all about the great beauty of learning and how it tied in to the goodness of humanity and how humbled and awed she was by both. She hated herself for writing it. Mrs. Young suggested that she write about being the first person in her family to go to college, but Nora absolutely refused to do that. It wasn't even true: both her aunts had gone to college, and all her cousins were going, and her own mother could have gone too, if she hadn't fallen quite so madly and stupidly in love. But no – she shouldn't have thought of her mother as stupid. Trucking was a perfectly respectable profession, and her father had worked very hard before the accident, and she knew that her parents were proud of having a child going to college.

All the same, how else to account for her mother's choice? Both her aunts had found what Nora's books might have called good marriages: Aunt Doris to a well-respected author and scholar, Dr. Phillip Graham; and Aunt Elle to the wealthy and widowed Bill Bayfield. Her own mother's match with an uneducated truck driver was a family embarrassment to this day, as Nora knew very well despite the fact that no one talked about it.

But of course she didn't say any of those things to Mrs. Young. She just thanked her for the advice, and wrote her prim little essay. And she was accepted instantly. Nora wondered how it worked: did Uncle Bill just casually call up the admissions department and give instructions? Or maybe they already knew, with the speed of rumor: "The Worth application is to be accepted." She imaged the entire staff of Douglas University whispering her name to each other–but that was really a bit too depressing, not to mention paranoia-inducing.

At least Mrs. Young was happy; her advice had borne such glorious fruit! As a matter of fact everyone was happy but Nora. Her parents were pleased, obviously; and her sister Ruthie was in awe. And Nora was made to call Uncle Bill Bayfield to thank him for his generosity. She had for some reason always disliked phone conversations – so awkward when the other person answered and you couldn't be quite sure who it was, and then you had to improvise and no matter what you said, you sounded childish – but of course it would be terrible to seem ungrateful. She did realize that Uncle Bill was being incredibly kind. So she called and Uncle Bill was happiest of all.

"Very glad I thought of it – so much better for everyone. No, it's no trouble at all, Nora. Of course I don't expect you to pay me back, don't be ridiculous. I know what a good education will do for you: I feel confident you'll be the kind of person who can take advantage of it. And I expect you to be a good influence on my girls."

He said this half-jokingly, but Nora was not amused. She was the last person in the world to have any influence over Megan and Jessie. They despised her – understandably. Nora had fairly good grades in most subjects, not that it was very difficult to get them at her school, but that was about it. She had no accomplishments and no friends. Jessie, on the other hand, was a top volleyball player and set to be the valedictorian at the elite private school the cousins attended. Megan was an honor student and on the prom committee and held some kind of class office, Nora could never remember exactly what. She had heard it so many times she'd started to block it out. Yes, they were so very likely to listen to her.

As a matter of fact, she was completely shocked when Megan called the next week, and Jess the week after that, and one or both of them at least once a week for the next several months.

"Nora, did you get that letter about class schedules?" Jessie would ask. "Who do you have? Dad says to switch to Dr. Jones for Intro to History, then."

It didn't take long to figure out that they were being instructed to call her. Nora could imagine her Aunt Elle's honey-slow voice: "Now girls, call Nora right away, and make sure she knows about it too."

She was even assigned the same dorm as her cousins, not in the same room, thank goodness, but next door to them. She couldn't help but wonder if Uncle Bill had something to do with that, too. The rooms were doubles, and Nora's assigned roommate was a person called Jacqueline Cadwell. There was a phone number on the slip that came in the mail, but Nora decided they might as well just get to know each other in person. It was bad enough calling people she knew for awkward conversations; she wasn't going to call some random girl from halfway across the country, just to introduce herself. What could they possibly say? You were better off knowing as little as possible about your future roommate, Nora concluded, since you weren't allowed to switch roommates in the first semester. She hardly dared to hope that they would end up being friends; it was enough to pray that they'd at least get along.

* * *

In a way it was a relief that Uncle Bill and Aunt Elle offered to take Nora to college, since it was only forty minutes out of their way. Nora was sorry to miss out on having her parents move her in and tour the campus and kiss her good bye – but it was a theoretical sorrow, based on Nora's ideal of what going off to college should be like. In reality she knew her father would have been loud and embarrassing and would have criticized everything from the dorm floorplan to the convocation speaker. And her mother would have insisted on bringing all her siblings, and then she would have been too busy making sure Abby didn't wander across campus to really say goodbye properly.

Of course there was enough room, as Uncle Bill said jovially, for Nora's stuff in his new Escalade, since Tim and James were each driving their own cars. And sure enough, her meager pile – two duffel bags, some boxes with her books and desk supplies – seemed small enough beside Megan and Jessie's furnishings. For a minute it almost looked as if there wouldn't be enough space after all.

"I've got plenty of room in the Volvo," her cousin James said. "I left most of my things at the house over the summer. That mini-fridge could go in my back seat, and probably those computer boxes too."

"Thanks, James," said Uncle Bill. "All right, that looks like everything. Ready to go, Nora?"

"Call us when you get settled," said her mother, hugging her. "Abby, honey, come here. Say goodbye to your sister. Justin, give her a hug."

Nora was crying. She couldn't help it; she had meant not to, but it wasn't a thing she could control, much as she would like to. "Chris – Ruthie – you have to email me every day –"

"Aw, Norrie, stop worrying," said Chris. "You stay out of trouble."

She smiled, trying to wipe her streaming eyes. Chris was her favorite brother.

"They're waiting for you," pointed out Ruthie practically. "You'll see us at fall break. Go on."

It was true, everyone was standing by the cars, with fixed smiles, trying not to look impatient. Nora climbed into the Escalade. She waved through the open window until they turned the corner.

Douglas was a four hours' drive away, and Nora sniffled at intervals almost the whole way. She despised herself almost as much as she could see Megan and Jessie were despising her, but it was impossible to stop. College was going to be awful, she could feel it.


	2. Chapter 2

The smaller freshman girls' dorm was a long, low, exceedingly ugly brick building. It dated from the fifties, and some architect with no self-respect had designed it so there were no windows on the outside facade but only on the walls facing the central courtyard between its two wings. But it was not nearly so forbidding once you got through the front doors. The high-ceilinged lobby was full of shabby, saggy furniture; the stairs were wide; and the unattractive paneling had been painted a warm gold.

Nora's room, and Megan and Jessie's, were in the south wing on the upper floor. The rooms were tiny with ancient built-in desks, beds, and closets, and there was no air conditioning. But apparently there was some sort of grand Douglas University tradition attached to living in Pieper, because Uncle Bill kept telling them how lucky they were to be assigned rooms there instead of in the huge modern dorm down the street.

"Dad just wants to lock up his babies in ol' Maximum Security Pieper," snickered Tim, depositing several boxes on Megan's unmade bed, after Uncle Bill had gone to talk to the resident director.

"Don't be offensive, Tim," said James.

"Wait – what did you call it?" demanded Jessie and Megan together. Nora looked up too. Since it hadn't taken long to bring in her luggage, she was now helping stack some of Jessie's boxes on the desk.

James sighed. "Some people like to refer to this dorm as 'Maximum Security Pieper'," he explained. "It's stupid, not to mention insulting, but you can understand why. It only has one entrance, besides the emergency door at the back, and no outside windows. And because it's all-freshman, the visiting hours are stricter here than in any other dorm – there's an RA on duty every evening guarding the front lobby."

"Take a look around, girls," smirked Tim. "After move-in day they close this place down and lock you in your little cells. Don't expect to see another male face in here until spring."

Megan groaned and Jessie rolled her eyes.

Nora said nothing. _She_ wasn't going to complain about living in a girls-only dorm, but she doubted her cousins wanted her opinion on the matter. But when she turned her head, she caught a friendly smile from James – she might almost have said sympathetic. If only she had the self-possession to smile back at him before he looked away.

"Pieper really is a good place to live your first year," he said in a tone of sage advice. "It's livelier than McDonnell even though it's a little shabbier around the edges. And the resident director knows everyone. You'll like it."

"James, you are so full of it. Like you know it all. You have your own house," Megan retorted in disgust.

Uncle Bill reappeared, towing Aunt Elle behind him as usual. "I think that's it. We've just been talking to the director – she's an institution here. I've told her to keep an eye on you kids."

Jessie put her head in her hands with a dramatic sigh. "Oh, _Dad!_ "

"Now, Jess. Just making sure you're okay. We'd stay and take you to freshman convocation and make sure you find your mentor groups, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. Think you'll be all right on your own?"

"Yes, Dad."

"We'll be fine. Go ahead."

"Are you sure?" Aunt Elle hesitated.

" _Yes_ , Mom!"

But Aunt Elle insisted on hugging and kissing everyone, including Nora, before they finally left. Tim said he had stuff to do, and James admitted he should go unload his own things at their house.

"Call me if you need anything," he said from around the door.

"I'd better go back next door and unpack or something," Nora said awkwardly, after a pause.

"Has your roommate arrived yet?" Megan asked. "We have to meet her – she'll be our neighbor after all."

"We can help you unpack while we wait," suggested Jess.

Oh good. Megan and Jessie pawing through her clothes was exactly the thing to cheer her up on her first night away from home. Fortunately for Nora's self-respect, they didn't have to wait long for her roommate. Nora was putting supplies in her desk drawer, and Megan and Jessie were reclining against her duffel bags, idly removing a few sweaters (thank goodness she hadn't packed underwear on top), when a girl came around the corner into view.

Jacqueline was very petite with very curly dark hair, and she was lugging two enormous suitcases with an energy that belied her size. "Hello! Which one of you is Nora?"

"I am –" began Nora, too softly to be heard.

"She is," Jessie interrupted. "We're her cousins; we're right next door to you."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jackie." She shook hands with all three of them, ending with Nora. "Are you twins? How awesome to already have neighbors, too. We're so lucky to get Pieper."

"That's what my uncle –"

"That's what Dad kept saying! Is it really so great?"

"Oh, I assumed you'd know about Pieper," Jackie said. "With so many of you here I thought you were another 'Douglas family', like ours."

"We are," said Megan. "But my older brother keeps calling it 'Maximum Security' and saying we'll never see a male face again."

"And Tim is always to be trusted," muttered Nora.

Jackie must have heard, because she caught Nora's eye, laughing. "I heard a different story from my brother. He's a junior. What year is yours?"

"We have two brothers here, actually," said Jess. "Tim's a senior and James is a junior too."

"I'll have to ask Lee if he knows them. Well, I still have some things in the car."

"We can help," offered Nora.

"Sure," agreed Jessie. "Oh, come on, Megan, don't be a snob," she added, as her sister looked reluctant.

Megan rolled off the bed and followed them downstairs. "I suppose I could carry a few things, but we need time to get dressed for freshman convocation."

"We have plenty of time before convocation yet, and the packet said you don't have to dress up for it, anyway."

"But I'm tired of carrying boxes, and you never know whom you might meet – ooh, Jackie, is that your own car?"

"Didn't your parents bring you?"

"Dad couldn't come," said Jackie from halfway into the trunk. Something in her voice sounded muffled in a way that wasn't just being half-buried in bags of bedding. Nora gave a cautioning glance at her cousins, but Jessie's curiosity combined with the notorious Bayfield lack of tact was too much.

"That's weird. What about your mom?"

"She's dead."

"Oh – I didn't know – I'm sorry –" Jessie was abashed.

"Of course you didn't know," snapped Jackie. "It was years ago."

"Let's go," interposed Nora hastily. "It would be nice to get all of Jackie's things up to our room before convocation, or we'll have to come back later and do it."

* * *

Nora's first class on Monday was Intro to Religion. It was part of the required curriculum at Douglas, and since she had no idea what to major in, her advisor had told her just to take the standard classes for her first semester. Besides Religion, she had a History survey class, the non-science-major section of Biology 101, Intro to World Literature, and Economics. None of it sounded very interesting, except literature, and if they were reading things like Steinbeck even that could be painful.

As for Religion, Nora had grown up going to church and she believed in God, but she had a vague idea that the class would involve mostly memorizing dates of ecclesiastical councils. She found out how wrong she was in the first two minutes of the class.

"Do you _know_ what you believe?" demanded Dr. Weston, having marked attendance and passed out copies of the syllabus. The class was silent. The girl next to Nora had jumped slightly.

"Do you really know? Have you weighed the options? Or do you just accept what you are told?"

The class had decided that these must be rhetorical questions. Nora sat with her pen poised over her crisp new notebook, but she wasn't sure what notes to take, exactly.

"Let's take a poll," suggested Dr. Weston. "How many believe in prayer? Raise your hands – come on. Hmm. Most of you believe in prayer. So what does that mean?"

This, unfortunately, did not appear to be rhetorical. Dr. Weston sat on the edge of his desk and waited for an answer. "It means believing God answers prayer?" ventured someone from behind Nora after a long silence.

"Is that a question, or an answer? All right, all right. God answers prayer. How do you know that?"

"You pray for something, and you hear an answer," said the same voice, more confidently.

"Hearing voices," said Dr. Weston, moving toward the chalkboard.

"No! That's not what I meant!"

"What do you mean, then? Let me help you out. What I am looking for is a coherent, rational answer. I am not here to teach you what to believe. But I am here to teach you to think critically, to be able to defend your own opinions, to stand up for what you believe using the brains God gave you. All of you do believe God gave you brains, right?"

There was a cautious spurt of laughter. Nora sank down in her chair, wishing she hadn't sat near the front. She wouldn't have raised her hand for any money.

"Now," continued Dr. Weston. "Who can explain what an answer to prayer is like? Yes, you in front."

"It's like, you might pray for, say, a new car because you might really need one to get to work, and then you find the perfect car for sale, or your grandma gives you money, or something like that." It was the boy sitting to Nora's right. His answer made sense to Nora, but Dr. Weston wasn't satisfied.

"So is answered prayer all about getting things like cars, then? Would your grandma have given you the money even if you didn't need a car? What if you needed a car, and your grandma knew it, but you didn't pray for it? Would she not give you the money, because you didn't pray, or would she still give it to you? And if she did, how would you know the difference between an answer to prayer and something that just happened through natural cause and effect, such as your grandma giving money to her grandchildren?"

* * *

After class Nora walked across the quad toward the student union and the cafeteria. She wasn't entirely sure she liked Dr. Weston, but she reminded herself that at least this most definitely had not resembled any of her high school classes.

There was a line forming outside the cafeteria already, as all the ten-o'clock classes got out at the same time, and lunch began serving at 11:15. Nora had hoped to eat early and maybe have time to stop by the computer lab to check her email before her afternoon class; so she lined up too, feeling awkward to be all by herself in the overwhelming cacophony of talking and laughing. She distracted herself by observing the other students in line. So far all her worst suspicions about going to Douglas had been confirmed. All the girls in the freshman class could have been a hundred and fifty little Jessie and Megan clones. There were Banana Republic t-shirts and J Crew sweaters everywhere she looked. And although she wasn't knowledgeable enough to pick out the origins of the jeans, they looked expensive too.

It was, apparently, the custom at Douglas for everyone to dump their bags along the walls of the wide hallways as they went into the cafeteria, and retrieve them when finished eating. Nora followed suit, wincing a little at the sight of her seventh-grade bright aqua backpack against all the leather and earth-tone-canvas messenger bags. At least, she thought, it would be easy to find again when she came out.

After two days of meals in the cafeteria she had already learned to check the silverware in the bin for dried-on food, and to dread the moment at the end of the buffet line when she had to figure out where to sit. The cafeteria roared with waves of sound and if you stood too long looking lost and helpless you were not only embarrassed, but likely to be jostled and bumped. Nora scanned the room frantically and gave an actual gasp of relief when she saw Jessie sitting near the back at an empty table.

"Thank God!" said Jessie with equal relief, as Nora sat down. "It makes you look so creepy when you sit by yourself."

"You must have been nearly first in line," Nora said. "I thought I was early."

"Volleyball practice at noon," explained Jessie between bites of macaroni and cheese. "I wanted to beat the rush, so I left the library early. I won't do that again – I'd rather be late for practice than sit here by myself." She shuddered.

"I was thinking I'd go to the computer lab on my way to my next class," said Nora, just to make conversation.

Jessie gave her a blank look. "I suppose you don't have your own computer, but why don't you use Jackie's? Oh come on, Nora, don't be so shy. I'm sure she wouldn't care. Look, here she comes with Megan: you can ask her."

Nora squirmed. It wasn't that she thought Jackie would be reluctant to share her computer, but she hated asking people for things, especially picky, unimportant things.

"Jackie, Nora needs to use your computer," Jessie said as they sat down, without waiting for pleasantries.

"Sure," said Jackie, dismantling the overcooked turkey entrée and constructing a sandwich with its various parts. "Any time, Nora. You don't have assignments already, do you?"

"No, I just wanted to email my parents," she mumbled.

"Well, I was having trouble with the network connection, but you're welcome to try it."

"I'll just stop by the computer lab on the way to my next class, but thanks, maybe when they get the connections working better," Nora said, reprieved for the moment. She caught Jessie rolling her eyes, but she didn't care. The whole stupid conversation was embarrassing.

She rescued by the minor distraction of James joining their table.

"How are your classes going?" he leaned over to ask her.

"Fine, but I've just had Intro to Religion so far – I came straight from that," began Nora.

"Lucky!" put in Megan. "One ten-o'clock class? You can sleep in all semester."

"I _like_ to get up for breakfast, though –" said Nora, but Megan was on a roll.

"I've had three classes already this morning! Eight o'clock science with Dr. Matthews, could there be a more depressing way to start your freshman year? Econ at nine isn't much better. And to top it all off, Jackie and I both have history with Jones at ten, and he's always going to go overtime, I can see it already. I'll never get to lunch before the crowds. You'd think Daddy personally arranged my schedule on purpose to build character or something."

James laughed at her. "The lunch crowds even out after first couple of weeks, as everyone works out their schedule. Besides, I happen to know you don't have any afternoon classes, so now you get the rest of the day off. No sympathies from me. Try going to Early Church History right after lunch, and then we'll see."

"Early Church History? – Is that a Religion department class, or a History one?" Jackie asked him, leaning forward to see around Nora.

"It's a seminar co-taught by Hoffman and Lance, so – both."

"Which one is your major?"

"Both again – I'm double-majoring."

"Really?" Jackie sounded vaguely shocked. "Why'd you pick that combination?"

"Practically everyone at Douglas double-majors in History," James defended himself. Nora wasn't sure why there was any need for defense, or why Jackie seemed so scandalized. "Isn't your own brother doing the same thing, Jackie? Lee Cadwell is your brother, right? I've had some history classes with him."

"International studies is an interdisciplinary major," Jackie said. "That's not exactly the same thing as History and Religion."

James chose to ignore this. "Someone told me Lee's in France now – the whole year, or just this semester?"

"Actually, it was last semester, and then a summer term, but he took some extra time to travel, so he's missing the first few weeks of this semester. Not that any one could blame him for missing a couple of classes when he has an opportunity to see France. Actually he'd have liked to stay longer. Getting a little more _intimately_ acquainted with the French culture, or so he says." She laughed and rolled her eyes at the same time. Jessie and Megan giggled.

"He tells you about that?" Megan asked, either intrigued or disgusted, or both.

"Well, not the details, of course. His emails are always pretty short. But he mentions a lot of drinking and parties, and lots of staying over with people named Juliette. I'm not exactly sure whether she was a student or not."

Jackie's tone left little room for interpretation. Nora decided she'd rather not hear any more about Lee Cadwell's personal exploits in France. She barely knew his sister as it was. Anyway it was already a quarter after twelve and if she wanted to write a nice long email to Ruthie, she'd better go.


	3. Chapter 3

The computer lab was more crowded than Nora had expected. Apparently she wasn't the only one without a personal laptop, after all. She had to wait a few minutes for a space to open up, and after that, it looked like the login password she'd been given wasn't going to work. She triple checked the string of digits against the slip of paper from orientation, typed it in very carefully one more time, and the login screen locked her out. Nora could feel her face getting hot with frustration. After a minute, she looked around for the lab monitor, but he was talking to a girl in the front row. She breathed in hard, hoping not to disgrace herself by crying in public again.

"Nora?" said a male voice behind her. "Are you okay? I was just passing by and thought I'd make sure you found your way. What's the matter?"

It was James. Nora gestured at the screen wordlessly, still trying to force back tears.

"Yeah, they do that all time. I think the IT department likes to play tricks on freshman, just to make their lives difficult. The monitor should be able to reset it. Where – oh." James skirted around the next row and grabbed the other student by the arm. "Hey, Parsons, stop flirting and try to work on some customer service over here. Your evil login screen is locking my cousin out."

The monitor eyed Nora. "Do you still have your password from orientation?" he asked in a tone somewhere between bored and business-like.

"Yes – but I've already tried it –"

"Come on, Ted," put in James. "Don't give her a hard time. Just reset it."

"All right," said Ted, sounding more human. "Sorry, it's just that they're having us go through certain steps, supposedly to analyze the problem. I told them the problem is their method, but do they listen?" he grumbled as he put in an administrator password. "That's Douglas for you – always pick the most inefficient way to do anything. They set up all these new passwords and then copy them all by hand for orientation and some of them always get written in wrong… Why they don't just export from the database… There, you can pick a new password now, and you should be set."

"Thanks," said Nora. "I really appreciate it."

"'s my job," mumbled Ted.

"And James –" she turned, but he was at the door already. He looked back over his shoulder, nodded, and gave her a thumbs-up. She put all her gratitude into her smile.

* * *

Nora had two afternoon classes, but she was done at three. She had to admit to herself that it was pleasant walking back to her dorm across the campus in the warm afternoon. It was still and humid, and five guys in shorts and not much else were playing Ultimate Frisbee in the quad. A couple of girls were reading on the benches by the student union. It was more like her idea of college than anything yet.

Jackie was back at their room already; she had unpacked her CDs and was blasting some music Nora didn't recognize, while trying to crank open the antiquated windows as far as they would go. "Hey Nora," she said over her shoulder. "Help me with this, will you? It's like an oven in here, and these things stick. Ow!" She broke off, shaking her hand.

"You're a lot stronger than I am, but I'll give it a try," said Nora, dumping her bag on the foot of her bed. It ended up taking both of them to wrench open the window. They both collapsed on their beds.

"Now if only we had a fan…" moaned Jackie. "God, it's like a sauna in here."

"Jess and Megan have one, I think."

"Are they back yet? Let's go crash their party."

It was marginally cooler in the next room, but both the girls were wearing the smallest possible tops and shorts. Nora eyed them, and wondered how it felt to display that much skin. Not that she wanted to, of course – but her t-shirt felt heavy and clumsy on her shoulders in the heat.

"Hey girls, you look hot," said Jackie in a mock-sultry voice.

"What's up?" said Jessie. Megan was painting her toenails with her foot propped up on her desk, and didn't look up.

"We don't have a fan," explained Nora. "It's absolutely stifling in our room."

"Have a seat, floor or bed, your choice," offered Jessie. "You can help us decide what to wear tonight."

"Casual, but cute," advised Jackie.

"You think shorts then, or skirt?" asked Megan.

Nora had no idea what they were talking about, but it occurred to her that it would be better to ask now and look silly, than to end up involved in something she knew nothing about, later on. "What's tonight?" she asked.

Megan did look up, at that. "Do you walk around in a fog, Nora? Honestly."

"Not everyone memorizes the Orientation social calendar like you, Megan," Jackie defended her roommate. "There's a tent party tonight. It may not be very exciting, but we thought we'd go and scope out the guys, anyway. Some of the sophomores are going too – and I asked James to go with us."

"James is going?" Nora repeated. Somehow she hadn't thought a tent party would be James' scene. But maybe she was projecting her own preferences; just because he seemed to agree with her about some things didn't necessarily mean he hated parties, too.

"Everyone is. So you'd better make up your mind what you're going to wear."

"I have some reading to do, I'd better not," Nora excused herself.

"Oh, come on, you can't be serious!"

"I'd really rather do my homework."

"You do realize that you'll be the one and only person on campus who feels obligated to do her reading on the first day of classes?"

"Oh, give it up, Jackie," put in Megan. "You'll never get Nora to a party. She might faint if she saw people having fun."

Nora flushed, but said nothing. Jackie rolled her eyes. "You really should come, Nora. I'd hate to leave you behind. Come on, please?"

Jackie was trying to be nice, Nora could tell, but if she gave in this time she'd be expected to go with them to every event Megan thought was a good opportunity to meet guys. Since Jackie really had good intentions, she made an effort to explain. "Despite what Megan says, I have gone to parties before in high school and I never had any fun. I'm not outgoing like you, and it's hard for me to talk to people I don't know well. Really, it'll be better without me – I'd just get in the way."

Jackie begged a few more times, but in such a way it was clear she just didn't understand, not that she was making fun. Finally she gave up, but Megan and Jessie were highly amused and they kept dropping hints about it the rest of the afternoon. "Sure you don't want to go, Nora?" they kept asking. "Yeah, you could wear my pink cami," Jessie would suggest. Then they both giggled until they couldn't breathe.

When they finally departed, with a last mocking "Have fun reading" from Megan, Nora said a silent prayer of gratitude and put on the soundtrack from _The Last of the Mohicans_ , which was her favorite for studying. Even Jackie had really been getting to her, trying on every pair of shorts in her closet. They were still scattered over her side of the room.

She'd only just started on her assigned excerpts from _The Epic of Gilgamesh_ when there was a sharp knock on the half open door, and Mrs. Barnes poked her head around the door. Mrs. Barnes was the house mother, but Nora hadn't officially met her yet although she'd seen her in the hallway.

"Nora, right? What are you doing here all by yourself?"

"I'm doing my homework," said Nora, gesturing with the massive Norton Anthology and wondering that it wasn't pretty obvious what she was doing.

"All the other girls have gone to the freshman tent party," remarked Mrs. Barnes, smilingly. "Why didn't you go?"

"I'd really rather stay here," said Nora.

"I think it would be better if you go to the party," said Mrs. Barnes.

"Thank you, but I'm all right."

"You go to the party. I don't like to have my girls moping around, getting homesick. I've never had a problem with homesickness here. I have to make the shy ones go, but they thank me later. Go on, now."

"Really, I'm not homesick, I'd just rather not – I'm much happier here –" Nora was beginning to feel panicky.

"Well, I can't force you, of course," Mrs. Barnes snapped out, still smiling. "But if you refuse to go, why don't you come along and help me. I don't allow my girls to mope."

Clearly there was not much of a choice. She didn't want to be branded as the "mopey one" before her first week was even out. Nora put her anthology down and followed Mrs. Barnes downstairs.

"If you don't mind getting my laundry out of the dryer for me – I have a bad back – we can chat while we fold."

Oh boy. Tent parties were suddenly sounding pretty good.


	4. Chapter 4

Friday afternoon after her classes, Nora waited rather morosely in the student union before the cafeteria opened for dinner. There was a raucous group watching _The Simpsons_ on the big screen TV, and she hated _The Simpsons_. There was going to be some kind of freshman-class picnic on Sunday, and she would be forced to go, or spend the evening doing Mrs. Barnes's laundry again. And she was nervous about writing her first paper – it was for Dr. Janssen, who had strict and rather peculiar requirements, starting with how many spaces to put between your name and the title of your paper, not to mention the actual content.

So far, college was fulfilling all her unpleasant expectations: she could see the next four years stretching before her, a repetition of the last four years of high school, only with more work. And instead of staying away from the clique of preppy rich kids, she was unavoidably surrounded by them. She had nothing in common with anyone here. None of the girls in the dorm talked about anything but makeup, as far as she could tell; and as for boys – they were right out. Nora was afraid of them anyway. No, it was hopeless. If she couldn't make friends in high school, she'd never make friends at Douglas.

"Hey Nora."

It was James. Why did he always have to appear when she was on the point of tears?

"How are classes? You've had a week now – do you like them?" he asked, sitting down beside her on the garishly striped student union sofa.

She tried to smile. "They're all right, I guess. I know I don't like science –"

"Well, that's a given," laughed James. "Nobody would guess you for anything but a humanities person. Don't you have Religion? I thought I heard you say something about it the other day."

"Yes, with Weston. I'm not sure at all about that one."

"You have Weston?" James's face lit up.

"You like him, then?"

"He's my favorite professor of all time!"

Nora didn't know what to say.

"Go on, why don't you like him?" James asked. "I know he seems a little harsh when you're not used to his style."

"I didn't say I don't like him, exactly," protested Nora. "I don't know what it is – I just don't know what to make of him at all."

"Is it his way of asking questions that bothers you?"

"Well – yes, in a way. He seems to enjoy pushing people. It's like he wants to make sure everyone feels completely stupid. I wonder if he believes anything himself."

"I've had three classes with him," said James. "Well, four if you count the one I'm taking right now. I'm going to take him whenever I possibly can. And I can tell you, he believes a lot of things – but you have to understand that he thinks people should believe with their whole selves: intellect as well as heart. He purposely plays devil's advocate, especially with the freshman classes, because he wants to make people think about why they believe certain things, instead of just making assumptions because of their upbringing. He teaches people to use their minds. That's why I like him."

"Well," said Nora slowly. "Okay. I guess I can see that point."

"Wait until you have the class discussion on Christianity and legalism. That's the one that made me a lifelong Weston fan. Oh, and just a tip for you: I know it's intimidating to speak up, but if you want a decent grade in his class, you have to participate the discussions."

Nora didn't know about that. She gave James a skeptical look. "I could try."

"You don't have to have all the answers," James assured her. "Actually he likes it even better if you ask lots of questions."

"Okay, I'll remember that," said Nora. She still wasn't sure about speaking up in class, but she felt his kindness to the depths of her heart. She smiled at him. "Thanks, James!"

He smiled back at her. "I'm glad if I can help. I know it's difficult to get used to everything at once, and whatever my sister thinks, you probably have the hardest-hitting schedule of all. I mean, Janssen and Weston in one semester!"

Nora felt her face heat up again. "Thank you," she choked. "You don't know how I was feeling before you came over – I'm not used to this kind of – the whole atmosphere here, really. It's so – not me –" she broke off. There was no way to describe what she was feeling to someone who, as nice as he was, had grown up in the Bayfield family.

He reached out and gave her arm a quick squeeze. "Hang in there, Nora. I know you didn't get much of a choice in coming here. But you'll find your place. Not everyone here is like my sisters; you just have to be patient and find a place where you feel comfortable. It took me a while, too."

They sat for a minute in silence. "The cafeteria's opening now; do you want to go in?" asked James.

"I said I'd wait for Jackie."

"Oh, good!" James was pretty enthusiastic about that idea. "Hey, I'd been meaning to ask you what you think of Jackie yourself. Is she a good roommate?"

Nora gave him a suspicious glance. "She's a great roommate so far. Very considerate."

"Oh yeah?"

He was clearly waiting for details, so she elaborated reluctantly. "She likes to stay up later than I do, but she's always careful to be very quiet and she never leaves the light on or anything. And she's always super considerate about turning her music down. Actually I don't mind most of the CDs she plays, but she's always checks to make sure it's okay with me. I don't have any classes with her, but she seems to study pretty hard."

"I thought she'd be a good roommate for you," said James. "She seemed like such a sweet girl right from the first."

For some reason Nora found herself adding, "The only thing I'm worried about is her social life when we get settled in more. I know I'm too quiet for most people, but partying and having guys over doesn't seem to bother Jackie at all, and that's just not my thing."

James frowned. "Why do you say that? Did she say she's a partier?"

"Well, Jessie and Megan are already talking about joining a sorority, and they want Jackie to rush too. And you must have heard the way she was talking about her brother in France."

"Just because her brother parties in France doesn't mean she'll be the same, Nora," said James, gently.

"I probably shouldn't have said anything. It's not like I know her very well yet, it was just a feeling I got," she said, a little ashamed of herself for speaking up – it wasn't usually like her to voice her thoughts so plainly, but James seemed to encourage confidences.

She felt even worse when Jackie arrived a minute later and linked arms with her affectionately as they walked in to dinner. But Nora was still not convinced she had been wrong, for all that.

* * *

The all-class picnic was every bit as boring as Nora had feared. There were representatives of various campus groups and volunteer organizations with tables and signup sheets, and the freshmen were supposed to be learning all about the many opportunities at Douglas; but most people spent the time flirting or joking instead. Since Nora had neither wit nor romance to offer, she was left out, of course. Even James had fallen into a deep discussion with Jackie.

"If you play, you should definitely audition for orchestra," James was saying. "They don't have a harp player now, and that's such a beautiful instrument."

"I don't know," Jackie said. "There aren't that many orchestra pieces with a harp part. It might be more work than it's worth."

"Not if you major in music – you'd have to do performance anyway."

Jackie grimaced. "I don't think I'm going to major in music, though."

"Why not? I thought your dad was so supportive of the idea." James seemed to know quite a lot about the exact status of Jackie's prospective major.

"He is," said Jackie, "but honestly, James, the more I think about it the more I'm convinced it was a stupid idea. What would I do with a music major? Teach? Really. No thanks."

"There's nothing wrong with teaching," protested James.

"Everything's wrong with teaching! Come on, James. I don't have the patience, and besides, teaching is a stupid career move. You get stuck in the same place forever."

James hesitated. "You could do other things with it."

"If I had real talent, I could. I'm not going to get a job playing professionally – I'm not much more than a mediocre player. I just get noticed because there aren't many harp players."

"I'm sure you're just being modest –"

"You haven't even heard me yet!" Jackie laughed, poking him in the side.

"But I will," said James earnestly. "You promised to play for me. I love harp music."

Nora sighed and transferred her attention to her other side, where Megan was chatting with a sophomore from her Econ class. His name was Cole Hastings and apparently he had political ambitions.

"I have a twenty-year plan that should ensure I'm a US Senator by the time I'm forty," he said.

"Wow," said Megan breathlessly. "Let's see, law school –"

" _Harvard_ Law School," corrected Cole.

"That takes – how long did you say?"

"Law school is three years, plus summer internships, of course. I've made a list of firms already –"

"Which ones?"

Nora didn't know how Megan could be so enthralled. "I'm going to go work on my paper," she said to whomever might be listening.

The worst of it was, she thought as she walked up the hill to the main campus buildings, if she hadn't wasted two hours at the picnic she might have taken advantage of Jackie's absence to use her computer in comfort. But as it was, Jackie would be back soon too and there was always Mrs. Barnes to consider. Better just to head up to the computer labs now. She was used to it anyway.

Five hours later Nora was interrupted by the lab monitor politely requesting her to finish up, since the lab closed at one.

"Bother," she muttered. The paper was nearly done, but she needed to find a few last supporting quotations and go over it to make sure she'd exactly followed Dr. Janssen's extensive checklist of formatting and content requirements. Now she'd have to try and get an available computer tomorrow morning to finish up before class. If only she could have just a few more minutes – but the lab had emptied out and the monitor (not Ted this time) was giving her a slightly threatening glare. With a sigh she jammed her Norton Anthology and her zip disk into the top of her aqua backpack, and hoisted it to her shoulder.

The campus was silent – she'd never been out this late alone, and it was a bit disconcerting. The walk down the hill to Pieper was dauntingly dark, since two of the streetlights had burnt out. She told herself rationally that there was nothing wrong with a short walk in the dark, but despite this her heart gave a thud of relief when she saw a familiar figure passing the library.

"James?" She hadn't called loud enough in the silence, and she had to run to catch up to him, her backpack bouncing painfully against her shoulder blades. "James –"

"Nora, is that you?" He stopped to wait for her. "What are you doing up here this late?"

"Had a paper to write – Janssen."

"Oh. Janssen." The English professor's reputation rendered further explanation unnecessary. "It's pretty dark, though – I'll walk you back to Pieper."

"You don't have to do that. Isn't your house on the opposite side of campus?"

"I don't mind. I know our little campus seems safe, and I don't want to scare you or anything; but it's probably still not a good idea to wander around by yourself at one in the morning."

"Oh – but I had to. I shouldn't have gone to the picnic, I guess, but I didn't think it would take me this long to finish," Nora protested, feeling embarrassed.

"What about using Jackie's computer?"

"I don't know – I think she has a paper too, or something."

"Well, if nothing else, I work in the library a lot of nights – it's my job. I sit at the reference desk. You can always come and get me and I'd be happy to be your bodyguard." They were passing under one of the working street lamps, so he gave her a quick smile to show he meant it.

"Thanks, James," she said. "I might do that."

"My pleasure. Hey, I didn't realize you hadn't been over to our house yet," he said, changing the topic easily. "You – all you girls – should come over this weekend. We were going to grill anyway. You'll soon realize how bad the cafeteria food always is on Saturdays."

"Ick, Leftover Night – Tim warned us," agreed Nora. "Really, though? I don't want to intrude on a guys-only party or anything."

"Nothing like that. It's not a party, you're family. We should all support each other on Leftover Night. And Jackie too, of course."

Nora was too pleased that he was inviting her to mind how eagerly he mentioned Jackie. "Okay, I'll tell the girls," she said. They were just at the door of Pieper.

"Have a good night, and sleep well," he said, giving her shoulder a brief pat, and she felt sure she would.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim and James, along with a friend of Tim's, lived in a tall, narrow, creaky old house two blocks from campus. A painted wooden sign over the door read "The Sticks".

"I don't know whether Dad will appreciate the name," said Megan, skeptically, just as James opened the door.

"Come on in. Tim named the house - he thinks it's funny," explained James. "It's not really far enough from campus to make it a good pun, but this is such a ramshackle old place, it sort of makes sense anyway."

"Doesn't matter how far it is from campus - everything at Douglas is the sticks," said Jackie, which Nora's cousins thought was hilariously funny.

Uncle Bill had bought the house in Tim's second year. He said the land was a good investment, and he planned to renovate the house after all the kids graduated, and sell it at a profit. The guys were supposed to pay him minimal rent, although Jessie had whispered on their way over that Tim mostly didn't pay his.

"I don't think you know our housemate," said James, leading the way into the living room, which was furnished pleasingly with chili pepper light strings, a coffee table with only three legs being propped up by a stack of beaten Norton Anthologies, several vintage 1979 sofas, and an enormous TV. "This is Jim Blake. My sisters, Megan and Jessie, and my cousin Nora and her roommate, Jackie."

"The other James," joked Jim, shaking hands. "James, Jim, and Tim - we didn't think that through before we all decided to live together. Everyone mostly just calls me Blake. Beer, anyone?"

"You do realize they're freshmen?" asked James.

"I won't tell anyone," said Blake jovially.

"That's not what I meant. It's kind of illegal."

"Oh, call Dad and cry then," mocked Tim, coming in from the kitchen. "What does Dr. Weston say about underage drinking? Better ask him next class period."

"I'm going to check the burgers," said James and passed Tim without a look.

"No beer for me, thanks," Nora shook her head at Blake, trying to smile. She had suspected her cousins drank sometimes at parties but this was surely a bit brash. "I'll just have water."

"There's soda in the fridge, too," offered Blake, seemingly unaffected by the underage-drinking-sibling argument. He waved his hand at the doorway behind him. "Have at it."

Nora walked through into the kitchen, which had been painted from top to bottom in a beige color, including the cabinets. It probably hid dirt better than white, she thought. Feeling a little like she was snooping, she poked around in various cupboards until she found a glass, and filled it at the sink. She looked around her. The back door was open and just outside, James was leaning over the grill. He looked up and gave her a half-smile as she came out onto the sun-warmed back porch.

"Sorry about that whole drinking thing."

"You shouldn't have to apologize," said Nora. She thought of several things to say about his siblings' behavior, and discarded them all. It was probably better just to change the subject altogether. "I'm glad you invited us over. It's really nice to be away from the dorm - it feels so relaxing. I could just sit here in the sun for a week." As she spoke she sat down on the edge of the porch stairs, half-closing her eyes against the brightness.

James's smile was fuller this time. "I agree, there is something nice about having our own place to get away, even if I _am_ the only one who does the dishes."

They were silent for a while, James turning the bratwursts over with a pair of tongs, Nora leaning her head back against the railing post.

"How's Weston going this week?" James asked.

"Oh, much better! I think I get it, actually - well, not entirely, because he can be pretty deep sometimes, but I see what he's trying to do. I even asked a question in class."

"Great! You took my advice, then."

"Actually I wasn't even thinking about your advice at the time. I asked because I really didn't know, but he said it was a great question and we spent the rest of the class talking about it."

"What did you ask?"

"Oh, it was about original sin. I didn't understand whether it was completely dependent on Adam and Eve's choice, or not; and if it was, then had they always been able to choose - was the possibility of sin preexisting." She was stumbling trying to explain, but James nodded.

"Good subject. Coincidentally, my class has been discussing sin this week too."

"Which class is it?"

"It's comparative religion, and we were discussing concepts of sin in the eastern religions. It's fascinating to me how much better I understand my own faith after studying someone else's," he laughed.

Nora leaned forward on her knees. "I'd like to take that one too, I think. I know nothing at all about other religions."

"Careful, Nora, that's how he hooked me, too. You'll end up a Religion major before you know it."

"Is that such a bad thing? What are you going to do with it?"

James shot a glance at the open door. Just inside the kitchen, Jackie was talking to Tim, her head thrown back to look up at him; they were both laughing. "I've been thinking about education," he said in a lower voice. "It would mean dropping my history major to a minor, and I'd have to take a lot of education classes next year if I want to do it. But I'd really like to try teaching high school, maybe at a lower-income school. Of course it would be cool to be a professor at a college like Douglas, but I think the world needs high school teachers maybe even more. I know that sounds sort of pretentious, or something, but there are so many kids who never get to experience classes like we get here -"

It pained Nora that he seemed so ashamed of his dreams. "That's great!" she said warmly. "Professors like Weston and even Janssen, they make all the difference. I hated high school, you know - I never felt like the classes were worth while, because nobody talked about anything I was interested in. It's different here, I have to admit. I'm not sure if I've found my place, like you said, but I feel like I could really love learning here. And that's all due to the professors."

"Yes! That's just what I think!" James broke in, letting his voice rise almost imperceptibly. "I can't really aspire to be a Weston, but if I could teach half as well as he does, I would feel as if I were really helping people."

"I think you would be a great teacher. You've helped me so much already."

James looked slightly uncomfortable with her praise. "I haven't done that much, really, Nora. But I'm glad you think being a teacher is a good idea. It's not considered very glamorous in my family."

"Oh, James, that's too bad."

He cut her off. "Don't worry about it. Hey, yesterday when I stopped by Pieper on my way up to work, Jackie said you were up writing a paper in the labs. You didn't stay too late, did you?"

Nora blushed.

"Why didn't you come by the library to get me?" he pressed. His voice was soft, but Nora wished he wouldn't make such a big deal about it. She could feel tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

"I did, actually," she said when she was sure her voice was steady enough. "You were busy with someone, and I didn't want to interrupt."

James looked at her over the hood of the grill. "I just worry about you, that's all. I didn't mean to lecture. Anyway, I only brought it up because I've had an idea. I've been thinking about getting a new computer, and when I saw that Dell is having a free shipping sale, well, I just went ahead and ordered the one I had my eye on. So I was wondering if you wanted my old laptop."

Tears threatened again. Nora blinked them back and said, "Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not sure if I have the money to buy it right now." There was no point in hiding that fact. "You'd probably be better off selling it to someone on campus."

James waved this off. "Nah, I doubt I could get much for it. It's pretty old and the graphics card isn't very good. No one wants an old clunker. Most of the guys in the dorms want to network so they can run multiplayer games or share music, and it's pretty slow at anything like that. But I thought you would be able to use it as is - it may not be much, but it's perfectly capable of handling Word and email." He shot her another look and added offhandedly, "I'll sell it to you for a hundred bucks if you want it, and you don't have to pay me right away."

Nora knew quite well what he was up to, setting a low price so casually, but his tact was soothing all the same. And it would be so nice to have her own laptop - "Okay," she said slowly. "I want to get a job over Christmas, so I could pay you after the holiday."

"Good!" James grinned at her. "I hate for things to go to waste, and you need a computer. Perfect solution. My new one should get here next week, so you can have it then."

"Just in time for my next paper," Nora said. She couldn't help but smile back at him.

* * *

"Lee is coming back tomorrow," said Jackie over their burgers. "I can't wait to see him - he's been gone forever."

"Are you that close?" asked Megan, probably not intending to sound as incredulous as she did.

"Yes, since our mom died we've always stuck together. Lee is tight with our dad, but I'm -" she broke off.

It was, of course, Jessie again who couldn't resist asking. "You're what?"

"I'm not as close with my dad as Lee is," Jackie said sharply.

"It'll be great to get to know him better," said James, peacemaking with his usual ease.

Nora was making connections. "Oh -" she said. "I think he might be in my econ class. Dr. Wallis keeps mentioning a student who won't be in class until next week. I don't know why I didn't realize it would be your brother."

"He didn't say whether he had econ this semester, but I do know after being gone last semester he has to catch up on some required classes," said Jackie, recovering her equanimity. "It might very well be him. He promised to stop by Pieper first thing, so I'll make sure to introduce you."

"When? I want to meet him," said Megan.

"Me too," said Jessie.

"Fine, I'll introduce all of you, including Blake if he's that interested," said Jackie in a longsuffering tone.

* * *

In fact, Jackie was so anxious and fidgety the next afternoon waiting for Lee, that Nora felt a great deal more in sympathy with her than she ever had. Family affection was something Nora could understand and admire, and she was a little surprised to find so much of it in cool, confident Jackie. They both went down to the lobby with their books much earlier than he could possibly be expected, but Jackie was afraid of missing him, "and he'll be sure to forget our room number," she said.

"I'm feeling almost envious," Nora said. "Everyone will have their brothers here, and I miss mine terribly."

"You don't talk much about your family," said Jackie. "I didn't even know you had a brother."

"Don't I? I think about them all the time." Nora was surprised. It hadn't occurred to her that she said so little about herself. "I have three brothers and two sisters, actually, but I was thinking of my brother Chris. He's the oldest boy - we're only a year apart."

"Well, then maybe he'll come to Douglas next year."

"I don't think he'll go to college," said Nora. Jackie's eyes widened. She was too polite to say anything, but Nora could tell people who didn't go to college were an unknown phenomenon to her. "He's not good at studying, but he's amazing at woodworking, carpentry, that sort of thing. I think he should get an apprenticeship."

Jackie still didn't say anything, so Nora sighed and changed the subject hastily. "I don't really know that much about your family either, other than Lee. What does your dad do?" Too late she remembered that Jackie was touchy about her father.

"Mostly, drinks wine and picks up hot blondes." Jackie's voice was bitter, and now Nora didn't know how to respond. "He's a real estate investor, when he needs money to pay for escorts." She laughed at Nora's face.

"I'm sorry," Nora said. "I shouldn't have asked. I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah, now you know why I said I'm not very close to him. As a matter of fact, I despise him. Lee and he have some kind of man-to-man thing - they can talk about cars and football and go on 'guy weekends' to his cabin. I worry about Lee sometimes -" she cut herself off and shook her head. "Look, thanks for listening, Nora, but that's it. I'm not going to be thinking about this when he gets here. Let's read."

Nora was trying to puzzle out a supply and demand chart in her Econ book, when she was interrupted by a shriek from Jackie.

"Lee!" She jumped at the young man who had just entered the lobby, and he swung her around. When he finally put his sister down, Nora saw he was taller than she had expected, given Jackie's physique, and more angular; but there was no mistaking their resemblance. He was dark too, with Jackie's long-lashed deep-set eyes, his curly hair cut shorter than campus trends would dictate. The scarf around his neck made him look very European. Jackie pointed it out at once.

"What's this thing? Did Juliette, or whatever her name was, say she liked that look, or something? Come over here and meet my roommate. This is Nora Worth. Nora, this is my brother Lee, obviously. I wonder where Megan and Jess are? They wanted to meet you too."

"I'm flattered," said Lee. "Really. Now I'm wondering why I stayed in France all summer, if I get this kind of reception when I come back." His eyes crinkled more when he smiled than Jackie's did.

She hit him. "It's just because I've talked about you so much. As soon as they meet you they'll all be terribly disappointed, so enjoy it while you can."

"I can go see if they're in their room," offered Nora, feeling very out of place. "Jess and Megan, I mean."

Lee Cadwell looked straight at her for the first time. "You come back too, Nora," he said. "I've heard so much from Jackie, now I want to get to know all about you." He dropped his voice and his eyelashes both.

Nora wrinkled her nose as she escaped. Maybe that worked on French girls, but it wouldn't work on her. Just for that, she was going to stay in her room until dinner.

Contrary to Jackie's prediction, Megan and Jess were not in the least disappointed with Lee in the flesh. He was taking Jackie out for dinner, and as soon as they left the twins were discussing him. They came into Nora's room in order to have an audience.

"He's not cute, exactly," said Megan with authority.

"Mmm, no, not exactly," agreed Jess. "He doesn't look at all as I expected. I mean, Jackie's so pretty, but Lee isn't what you'd call gorgeous."

"Not that he's terrible-looking or anything."

"He does have great eyes."

Megan giggled. "They're kind of dreamy, really."

"Don't let your Cole hear you talking about Lee's dreamy eyes," said Jess, laughing too, but with a sharp note.

"And he's tall," continued Megan, paying no attention. "I was thinking he'd be short like Jackie, too."

"Too thin, though."

"I like slender guys."

"Why are you with Cole, then?"

"I'm not 'with' Cole."

"Oh really."

"Nothing's official!"

Nora said, "I'm going up to the library," and left.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bother! In reposting this, I skipped chapter 6. I've now uploaded the real chapter six and moved it to its proper location. Sorry, readers!

James's computer really did make life a lot easier for Nora. On weekday evenings it was lovely to put on a pair of pajamas and a big sweatshirt and settle in for the night with books and class notes spread around her. Of course, there were a few cons as well as pros. Since she was in her room every evening Jessie and Megan were always having her proofread their papers, and then if she went down to the lobby Mrs. Barnes would pounce on her, asking for help putting up signs in the halls or just wanting to chat. Mrs. Barnes had decided Nora would make a great resident assistant.

"If you apply to be an RA next year, I'll make sure you get assigned to Pieper," she assured Nora. "You know I take care of my girls."

"Yes," said Nora.

"I always have my eye out for girls I could rely on. That's why Pieper is safer and friendlier than McDonnell – I demand the best RAs and I get them, too. Besides, it would be a good job for you. You need the money, don't you? Do you have a campus job this semester?"

"No –"

"Hasn't the student employment office called you? If they haven't, I can talk to them for you. You should have a job."

"Actually I thought, for the first semester, I'd just –"

"I'll call them for you. But you just need something temporary for now. You can start as an RA next year."

Nora was rescued by Jessie shouting down the stairwell for her. For once she'd be happy to proofread, even if it was 20 pages. But when she got upstairs, Jessie was laughing.

"No, I don't need anything, actually. Jackie made me come and rescue you."

"Thanks," said Nora from her heart.

"God!" exclaimed Jackie, in the doorway of their room. "What was she talking about all that time?"

"The usual: she wants me to be an RA next year."

"Are you going to?" asked Jessie.

"Not if I can help it," said Nora. "I was thinking of applying to work in the library, like James."

"Those jobs are hard to get," warned Jackie. "That's what Lee says, anyway. But go ahead and try. Anything's better than being RA for Barnes. If we were in one of the other dorms, maybe. But here it's slave labor."

"Well, I'm glad you rescued me," said Nora. "I really do have to study and I wasn't sure how I was going to escape. Thanks."

"What are roomies for?"

"If you don't mind, I'll stay here with you girls," Jessie said. "Unofficial Cole is unofficially visiting."

Jackie snickered. 'Unofficial Cole' had become their secret nickname for him, as he and Megan still refused to admit that they were dating or seeing each other or anything remotely suggesting romance. But Jess stayed out of the room on visiting nights, for all that.

Tuesday nights, visiting hours only lasted until ten. But about nine-thirty Lee stopped by. Nora was thankful she hadn't changed into her pajamas yet.

"Hey," he greeted his sister, giving her a squeeze around the shoulders.

"Hey you," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't keep away from the gorgeous Mademoiselle Jessie," said Lee with a creditable French accent, as Jess giggled. "But besides that, I have real, live homework to do, as much as I hate to admit it. I wanted to ask Nora if I could borrow her Econ lecture notes for the first two weeks. Catching up is so boring, but alas, Wallis has two midterms."

Professors with two midterms were universally deplored, as you got your first exam early and the second one likely just after Thanksgiving, which meant that you had to spend the whole break studying. Nora wasn't sure why no one seemed to appreciate the fact that actually two exams put less pressure on you to do well in them, since you had more time to make up your grade. But then, she had always known her opinions about school were odd. She contented herself with replying that of course Lee could borrow her notes.

"I can make copies and give them back to you in class tomorrow afternoon," he said. "Now that's settled, what are we doing this weekend? Do you all usually go to parties, or what?"

"Not many, so far," said Jess. "I wish there were more to do around here."

"The eternal lament of the Douglas student," Lee sighed.

"What about the football game?" suggested Jackie. "We could all go together."

"My dear sister, you do realize that Douglas's football team is incredibly sucky?"

"I've never been to a game," Jackie said stubbornly. "Come on Nora, don't you want to go?"

"We should go to at least one game," Nora agreed, partly out of loyalty to her roommate and partly for the pleasure of disagreeing with Lee Cadwell.

Lee rolled his eyes. "I guess if we all go it wouldn't be so bad. Where's your sister, Jess?"

"Cole's here," warned Jess, but he had already gone out in the hall to knock on their door.

Megan followed him when he came back to Nora and Jackie's room a few minutes later. "And it's supposed to be beautiful weather this weekend," she was saying. "Going to the football game is a great idea, Lee – I don't know why we haven't gone before."

"It's not my favorite activity, actually, but given the alternatives…" he said. "I'll go if you go." he had dropped his voice, smiling at her.

"Tim says the student section of the stands is always full – maybe we should go early if we're all going to sit together," put in Jessie helpfully, now that the plan had Lee's stamp of approval.

"I really have to study on Saturday if I'm going to keep up my three point four GPA," said Cole loudly from the doorway, where he was standing with his arms crossed.

"I'll ask James if he wants to go," said Jackie, as nobody made any reply to Unofficial Cole.

* * *

Cole was outvoted, and when he saw that everyone was going to go to the football game anyway despite his excellent advice to study instead, he began to reconsider.

"I suppose I could study that evening instead," he said Friday evening at dinner. "And of course there's always Sunday afternoon. I usually get my best studying done on Sunday, anyway. I guess I could go to the game. Do you think I should go, Meggie?"

"Whatever you think is best, Cole," Megan snapped. At some point in the past few days she had apparently stopped fighting the fact that they were dating, but she still played the girlfriend role with a bad grace at best.

"Would you rather I went, though? I'll go if you want me to. Of course studying is very important. I do have some scholarships that I was extremely lucky to get – not that I need the money of course, but it's quite an honor to get these and I'd hate to lose them by neglecting my studies. My twenty-year plan won't work if I don't establish a solid basis in undergraduate work, you know."

Megan gave up. "Good grief, Cole, one football game isn't going to jeopardize your twenty-year plan." She gazed at him for a moment, and then said in a sugar-sweet voice, "Of course I want you to come." Cole looked satisfied; Nora couldn't tell whether he was really too dense to notice Megan's rudeness or just chose to ignore it.

Saturday afternoon was lovely, bright and pleasant, with just the slightest chill in the air to make the sludgy hot chocolate at the concessions stand a welcome treat. The trees near the stadium were starting to yellow. Despite Douglas's long tradition of losing football, the student section of the stands was rollicking: chanting, laughing, and clapping with little correlation to the happenings on the field. A whole row of guys up in front had their shirts off with large blue letters painted on their chests.

Nora didn't know much about football, but she was content sitting with her companions, sipping hot chocolate and obediently joining in the cheers a little too late. She asked James about the game a couple of times, but it was too noisy to explain much and she didn't want to interrupt his conversation with Jackie on the other side.

"What is everyone doing for fall break?" asked Megan at halftime, with the stands a little quieter.

"Not much," Jackie shrugged. "I actually thought about staying here."

"Cole was telling me about his family's lake house north of here," began Megan.

"We had it designed by an architect," put in Cole. "But that was fifteen years ago and we're thinking about doing some updates. The kitchen, maybe some relandscaping outside – the trees along the lake shore have gotten overgrown, so they may have to come out."

"Oh –" Nora protested, in a murmur.

"I was telling my mother about Megan's interest and she said it would be nice to have some houseguests before we tear everything up. So if you are free, you are all invited to spend fall break at the house. Mother will be there for the weekend."

"Ooh, how lovely!" said Jess. "A weekend at the lake would be perfect, absolutely perfect. You'll come, won't you?" she said to Lee.

"If you don't mind an outsider tagging along," he replied, looking straight at Megan. "I'd like to. What kind of landscaping do you have there now?" he said in a professional tone to Cole. "I've been on quite a few of my dad's job sites with some incredible landscape work."

"It sounds so beautiful as it is," Nora said, turning to James. "I'd have loved to have seen the trees shading over the water."

Jackie heard her. "Overgrown trees are a real pain. They block the sun, leaves get in the water and clog everything up."

"Oh, but it makes me sad to think of cutting them out altogether! Imagine the reflections in the water in the fall!"

"Nora, you'll never be able to see trees as an inconvenience, will you?" James said, laughing. "But you'll at least get to see them in two weeks."

"Oh! I wasn't sure Cole was inviting me too." Nora said, her face getting hot.

"Of course he was. He said 'you all' didn't he? And it would be rude to exclude you since you're sitting right here."

"That's a lot of people to host, though." Nora felt slightly uncomfortable, although it was probably none of her business.

"Nora," James said gently. "Just stop fussing."

Jackie nodded. "From what I've heard, the house is fairly enormous. Don't worry about it, Nora. In case Megan hasn't told you lately, Cole is rich." She whispered the last, and Nora couldn't help laughing.

"I'll have to ask my parents," she said weakly, but she could already feel her spirits rising. She'd hardly ever been on a real vacation, and the thought of fall break had not held much excitement for her. She'd be sorry not to see Ruthie and Chris, but Thanksgiving wasn't too far away, after all, and she'd be with her family then.

By the end of the third quarter Douglas was losing 43 – 17 and the student section was losing enthusiasm. Megan, Jess, and Lee were bored and Cole hadn't wanted to come in the first place. They all walked up the hill toward the campus and the dining hall together, Megan and Jess up ahead with their respective men – although which belonged to which was hard to tell if you didn't know better. James and Jackie were behind, still talking; and Nora walked in the middle, still in a happy mood in spite of the 150 pages of history that awaited her.

"– ask her, I'm sure Nora wouldn't mind," she heard James say behind her.

"Nora," said Jackie, catching up to her. "What are you doing this evening?"

"Just studying, I suppose," Nora said, wondering what they had in mind – it was so clearly a leading question.

"Paper writing?" asked James, on her other side.

"No, not tonight."

"There! It'll work out just fine then, you see," James said.

"I hate to ask, but my computer kept crashing this morning, and I have a paper to write by Tuesday," Jackie said apologetically.

"I knew you wouldn't mind Jackie using yours," said James before she could answer. "And you're always ahead on your work anyway."

"No, of course not." Nora couldn't have said anything else. It was still half James's computer, after all. "Go ahead, I need to read anyway."

"Oh thanks! I owe you one, Nora. If I can just get this paper written – Then I can worry about getting mine fixed. I thought maybe you could come have a look at it, James?"

"I'm not _that_ expert, but I'd be glad to see if I can get an idea what's wrong with it."

"Oh, that would be great." Jackie blinked up at him. "I don't know anything. I haven't touched any settings or anything since I got it. I'm always scared it will break and I won't know what to do."

James smiled at her. "I'll do my best."

"How about Tuesday during visiting hours?"

"No, can't on Tuesday evenings. I have Socrates Society meetings and this next should be a good one. I'd really hate to miss it. It's a laptop, isn't it? Why don't you just bring it up to the library when I'm on duty Monday night?"

"You go on up to dinner," Nora said as they paused at the corner near Pieper. "I'm going to run in and grab a jacket. I might be out until later and it's getting cold." If Jackie were going to be using her computer, she'd have to go elsewhere to send her weekend email to Ruthie and Chris.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry! This is actually chapter 7 - it got posted out of order! The real chapter 6 is now uploaded in proper position.

Nora decided to stop by the library after dinner to send her email; and since James had to work, he walked with her.

"Jackie said something that reminded me of a question I was going to ask you," he began. "You know the Socrates Society?"

"I know of it," said Nora cautiously. She'd seen the posters up around campus, of course, and she'd passed the side room in the student union where they met on Tuesday evenings. She didn't actually know much about them, but the group looked a little intimidating: thirty or so students sitting around a table with serious faces, talking animatedly, gestures sweeping.

"Well, I'm a regular – started going second semester last year and I've made friends there. I thought you might like it, if you're enjoying Weston's class. We have a topic every week and from there it's just discussion and sharing ideas. Everybody participates."

"I don't know," Nora said. "Would they really want me to come? I don't think I'd be much of an addition to the discussion. I'm not much for speaking up, even if I'd have anything to say."

"Are you kidding? We love having new people come. I know you'd like it if you got used to it. It's not a debate club and you don't have to give polished speeches or anything. Some people just ask good questions, or put in a thought-provoking comment at the right time."

She hesitated, torn. It was flattering to be invited, but she had to be insane even to consider going to a discussion society, when it was bad enough just raising her hand in class –

"I'd really like it if you'd come," James coaxed. "At least once, to see if you like it. Next week's topic is right up your alley: Literature and Morality. It made me think of you right away. Please come."

"Well –" She was finding it terribly hard to resist him.

"I can come pick you up," suggested James. "That way you don't have to go by yourself. It's at six-thirty."

Nora felt herself blushing. "Okay, I'll give it a try."

"Good!" James gave her a smile that could have melted her on the spot. "I'll come by Pieper at six-twenty-ish on Tuesday."

Good grief, he was making it sound almost like a date! She felt happier about being talked into agreeing than she probably should, considering she'd be sure to regret it later.

* * *

Pieper had an antiquated system of buzzers that were still used outside of visiting hours. The male who wanted to see a female student on a school night, when he was not allowed into the inner sanctuary, would press the button by her room number in the lobby, and hope she happened to be in. The female would then make him wait a certain number of minutes before descending gracefully to the lobby, depending on whether she was expecting him and the exact status of their relationship. Buzzers were always going off in Megan and Jessie's room, and though it usually turned out to be Cole coming by for Megan, that did not prevent the two of them from primping every time it happened, or Nora from wishing in her secret heart of hearts that a buzzer would go off for her occasionally.

She had intended to wait for James in the lobby on Tuesday evening, since visiting hours didn't start until seven, but as it happened she had been in the middle of reading Antigone for Janssen's class and forgot the time. When the buzzer sounded, she and Jackie both jumped.

"What the –" began Jackie, getting up.

"Oh, it's James," cried Nora. "I forgot to go down." It was ridiculous the way she was thrilling at the summons. "Sorry about that, I wasn't going to make him buzz, but I wasn't noticing the time."

"James?" said Jackie, looking at her unreadably.

Nora blushed. "We're just walking up to the Socrates Society meeting. He convinced me to go with him, just to give it a try."

"Oh," said Jackie. "Well, tell me how it goes. I'm kind of curious myself."

Nora hastily grabbed her jacket. "Okay. I'll see you later."

James was waiting by the door with his hands in his pockets.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I meant to be ready before you came, but I got caught up in my reading – it's for Janssen and I always take a lot of notes for him, you know, because otherwise he catches you in class –"

"Hey, take a deep breath there," he said, opening the door for her. "It's not a big deal; we've got plenty of time. I thought I'd explain the meeting format to you as we walk."

Almost against her will, Nora did enjoy the meeting. It wasn't the discussion so much so much as the other members. They so clearly cared passionately about literature and learning and figuring things out. She didn't dare dive into the fray, but she was dazzled just watching.

"I'm not sure there is such a thing as art for art's sake," said a thin boy from the other side of James. "Isn't all art saying something, even if it's not specifically moral, as such?"

"I agree," said a girl from across the table. "But it doesn't necessarily have to be created for the purpose of preaching, to have a moral. No one does it more subtly than Jane Austen – there are no cardboard villains and heroes in her novels, and no easy answers. But she's also not afraid to condemn and approve. Take Henry Crawford in Mansfield Park –" the girl stopped and laughed at the blank looks around her. "Oh, come on, don't tell me no one's read Mansfield Park!"

"Is that the one with the prissy heroine?"

"– named Fanny?" There were snickers from the other end of the table.

Nora could not make herself speak up, but as the other girl's gaze swept the table she met her eyes and Nora couldn't help giving her a slight nod.

As the meeting was breaking up she leaned across to Nora. "I know you're a Janeite too," she cried. "Don't try to deny it – I saw your eyes light up. Why didn't you help me out?"

"This is my first time," Nora excused herself shamefacedly. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything."

"But you know what I was getting at, don't you?" said the girl. She was tall, with light brown hair braided across her head and a shabby, bulky sweater that would have made Megan and Jessie, and probably even Jackie, turn up their noses in disgust. "About Crawford, and the way you get the feeling he could almost, almost have been a good guy."

"I think I know," agreed Nora, "but I'm not very good at explaining what I'm thinking. You all are much better."

James had turned toward them. "That's not true –"

"You'll get used to us," said the girl. "We get comfortable with each other and then we all say whatever comes into our heads, until sometimes no one knows what we're talking about."

"I'm glad you've met," put in James. "Beth Grant, friend of mine, sophomore. This is Nora Worth, my cousin, freshman. I really brought Nora along so you'd have someone to rave about Austen with, Beth. No one else can keep up with you and if you use Mr. Knightley as an example one more time we might start throwing things at you. This way you can get it out of your system."

"Oh that's likely. Didn't it occur to you that you've brought me reinforcements?"

Nora surprised herself by giggling. "And Mr. Knightley is a great example," she said, feeling bold.

"Example of what?" said James, rolling his eyes.

"Everything, of course," said Nora, and Beth clapped her hands.

"Nora, you have to come back next time! And back me up about Crawford – I think we might do a literature follow-up in a few weeks; we do that sometimes when the discussion is extra good."

The boy who had talked about art for art's sake came up behind Beth and put his arm around her. "Do you want to come?" he asked James. "We're all going over to Sharp's for a snack."

"Sure! Nora, do you want to come –?"

"I should really finish my reading for Janssen," she demurred, but three sets of hopeful eyes were too much for her. "I guess I could do it later on."

It was, as she probably ought to have predicted, after midnight by the time James pulled his Volvo up outside Pieper to let her out; and her Janssen reading was still open on the desk waiting. But she couldn't be sorry. Her brain was dancing with ideas, ridiculous quotations, and new jokes, and her face hurt from laughing so much. She couldn't get to sleep for ages.

* * *

Wednesday morning, after the previous nights' intellectual revelry, Nora slept in and had to rush to English class with her reading only halfway done, which was always dangerous with Janssen. She was skimming the last verses of Antigone frantically as he entered the classroom and looked them over.

"Miss Worth," he said deliberately. "Have you, by any chance, completed your reading for today?"

"Um, most of it," squeaked Nora. It was no use lying to Janssen, as he always found you out and then dismissed you from the class in disgrace.

"Most of it," he repeated thoughtfully. "I wonder how you would choose to define 'most' in this circumstance, Miss Worth. Well, we will see just how far you got, shall we? Perhaps you would like to explain to us, enlighten us if you will, as regards the central themes, ideas, concepts of Antigone." That was the way Janssen always talked, as if he were secretly amused by the entire concept of teaching classes.

"Well, what I noticed was the idea of family loyalty," began Nora.

Janssen rocked on his toes. "Interesting." He waited for her to go on.

"All the characters have to decide how important family loyalty is, and how it interacts with other principles, such as pride, er –" she stopped to consult her notes – "hubris, that's the Greek word you told us last week. They're all trying to do the right thing, but it depends on where they put their values, you know, higher or lower in the scale – um, not like an actual scale really, but – anyway, which thing will have precedence."

She did not feel very coherent, but here Dr. Janssen filled in, with half a smile. "Then you would say that a tragedy results from an improper or unwise deployment of various values that are interrelated?"

"Um – yes?"

"Very well said, Miss Worth."

That was like getting a gold medal, coming from Janssen. Nora beamed into her Norton as someone behind her raised his hand to ask a question. Her spirits were not even much dampened when Dr. Janssen reminded them all at the close of class that they had a paper due Friday. Her paper was still mostly in rough form, but she thought she had some good ideas organized; and once she got rolling it should only take a few hours to hammer the thing out. Maybe she could even use her idea about value scales.

After classes she stopped by the library to check out some books as sources for her paper, then adding them to her already heavy backpack she headed down the hill to Pieper. On the way she contemplated skipping dinner; there was always the option of making hot-pot ramen, and she hated to be interrupted when in the middle of writing. Nora was wavering between beef flavor and chicken flavor ramen when she opened the door of their room to find Jackie, as usual, already back, and curled up on her bed with Nora's laptop.

"I've got to look up some things for tomorrow's econ, and James hasn't fixed mine yet," she said to Nora's inquiring look. "Don't be mad at me."

"Well," said Nora. "I guess I'll go back up the hill then."

"You can have it back this evening," Jackie said, looking slightly guilty. "I just have to get some notes down –"

"It's all right. I'll see you at dinner."

She tried to tell herself as she trudged back up the long winding sidewalk from Pieper, that she didn't really mind. She'd been used to the computer labs before – it should be no different now. And Jackie always procrastinated, so no doubt she was really desperate to use the computer. Nevertheless, Nora sighed as she found a station at the back of the busiest lab. The three girls in front of her were leaning together, looking at something online and giggling, and the scowling guy beside her, who wouldn't move his chair so she had to climb over his pile of books on the floor, was listening to music with his headphones loud enough for her to hear. She sighed, put in her disk, and propped her book up against the screen.

It was a quarter to one when Nora packed up her books and stretched her arms. Her eyes were blurring, but the paper was finished, at least, and she had high hopes that this one would get at least an A minus from the fastidious Janssen. All her arguments were in place, and the library sources had been extremely helpful.

She was disappointed and a little uneasy to find that James was not at the library when she arrived – it was his usual night to work, but he must have left early. The walk down to Pieper was as dark as ever. It would be a miracle if Douglas ever replaced those streetlights. As she passed the mens' dorm across the street from Pieper a voice yelled out of the darkness, making her jump.

"Hey honey, where are you going?"

Someone else laughed.

"Don't leave us, baby." That voice sounded distinctly drunk. 

Nora couldn't see anyone. They were probably just stupid guys yelling from the windows of Johnston just above her, but just as she had convinced herself of this logical theory, she heard footsteps behind her and a loud laugh. It was all she could do not to run madly for the lighted windows of Pieper down the street. She felt a crawling sensation all up and down her spine as she made herself walk slowly on. There was a last wolf whistle, but no one approached her. Her hands were shaking when she reached Pieper and unlocked the door, of course fumbling the key in her haste.

To cap off the evening, Jackie had already gone to sleep, and she didn't dare to knock on Megan and Jess's door, so there was no one to talk to, no one to laugh at how stupid drunk boys act until it didn't seem threatening anymore, no one to reassure her and tell her everything was all right, that harassment was bad but nothing happened after all. Nora cried herself to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

James slapped his cafeteria tray down on the table at lunch, nearly spilling his milk.

"Hey," said Jackie. "You're late."

"Yes, and starving," he replied, tearing into his bagel sandwich. "Great discussion today, though. Weston can never stand to break it off, and I don't blame him."

"Of course you don't blame him."

"What does that mean?"

"Weston can do no wrong," said Jackie dramatically. "You're not exactly subtle, James."

James frowned a little, and changed the subject. "So we're leaving at three next Thursday, right, Cole? Did anyone check with Nora? – I thought she had class that afternoon."

"I'm right here," Nora said, around Jackie. "That'll be fine – I just need to pack the night before so I'm ready to go."

"You don't look so well, Nora." James leaned forward. "Are you ok? Not getting sick?"

"I'm all right," she said, trying to smile. "Just didn't sleep very well."

"When did you get back?" asked Jackie. "I didn't even hear you come in."

"I'm glad I didn't wake you up. It was after one." She tried to speak in an undertone, but she knew James wasn't going to pass that by, and he didn't.

"What were you doing out so late?"

"Oh, give it a rest, James," put in Lee, laughing. "Why does she have to report to you? Maybe she had a hot date."

Nora winced. "No, it's all right. I was just writing a paper up in the lab."

Though she hadn't wanted to draw attention to the whole stupid situation, it was gratifying that James realized what had happened at once.

"Oh, Nora, I'm sorry. I haven't looked at Jackie's computer yet, have I? Jackie, why didn't you say anything?"

Jackie shrugged. "I told her I only needed it for part of the night. I can't help it, Nora – you're so timid I just can't help taking advantage of you. It's terrible of me, I know, but you always forgive me anyway."

James was grinning for some reason Nora could not determine. "Bring your laptop by the house tonight, and I'll make you dinner, Jackie. Maybe we can figure out the problem."

Nora supposed she should be happy to get her computer back, instead of feeling so dissatisfied.

* * *

On the other hand, she reminded herself, she was really looking forward to fall break. The weather looked as if it would be perfect; not warm enough for swimming in the lake – it was probably too much to hope for that in the second week of October, anyway – but warm enough for walks and maybe making a bonfire on the beach.

Once the girls had decided exactly what kind of clothes to bring, the burning question to be decided was how to arrange the travel. Since there were seven of them, they had to take two cars, and who would go in which vehicle, and with whom, was constantly in question – though no one would admit it. James and Lee were the two driving, because Cole had a little roadster which would scarcely hold four, let alone their luggage. This left Megan in the awkward position of trying to get herself seated in Lee's car without seeming to, while Cole stubbornly insisted that it made more sense for him and Megan to go with James, because he'd like to get to know James better – his real reason being, as was sufficiently obvious, that he hated Lee immensely.

Finally, as they loaded up the cars in the parking lot of Pieper, James unwittingly settled the whole question by asking Jackie and Nora to ride with him.

"Thanks," giggled Jackie as she put her bag in the trunk of his Volvo and slid into the front seat. "What quick thinking to ask both of us! I wasn't looking forward to Cole's dissertations on lake house architecture for the next three hours."

"But I get carsick, you know that," Megan was saying plaintively by the other car, her hand on the passenger side door of Lee's car, which Jessie had just opened.

"Oh, it's not that long a trip," said Jessie. "Just tell me if you feel like puking and I'll switch with you. But I've been asking Lee to teach me how to drive a stick shift, so it would really help to sit in the front where I can see him."

"Hurry up!" yelled Jackie, sticking her head out the window. "The sooner we leave, the sooner we get there!"

Jessie got in the front of Lee's car with an expression of triumph, Megan slammed her door unnecessarily hard, and they were off.

"I get so bored of that," Jackie remarked by way of explanation, as they pulled onto the main street. "I wish Jess and Megan would settle who's going to get Lee and be done with it. It's annoying when they fight over him – not his fault of course. He can't help that he's such a flirt."

"Surely he could help flirting with both of them at once, especially when Megan and Cole are already together," Nora pointed out, as cautiously as possible.

"Who's encouraging him?" demanded Jackie.

"But he must know what's going on – he's not stupid. He must be able to see that he's stirring up all kinds of trouble between Megan and Cole."

"If Megan can't make up her mind to stick to Cole, it's better that they break up now. Lee may be doing both of them a favor, actually." Jackie spoke so authoritatively that Nora was silenced, if not convinced.

"It's true that Megan is walking on dangerous ground, there," said James. "And I've never seen my sisters fight so much."

"We'll be lucky if they don't spoil this trip." Jackie opened her window a crack. "It's so lovely outside, I hope we'll be able to enjoy it."

Nora agreed with this at least. The drive was beautiful, especially after they turned off the main highway onto a back road that wound through red and orange hills and fields of golden stubble bright in the afternoon sun. She was half-sorry when the drive came to an end and they pulled into a long driveway – and even sorrier when they got out to find Megan and Jess already at it.

The Hastings' house was a large, blue-grey one with low eaves under a row of pines. It was a pretty house, after all. You might have thought the place belonged to Megan, the way she said, "Welcome! Here we are!" in a tone of proprietary pride.

Jess took instant offense. "Yes, we can all see that we're here, but thanks for pointing it out, Meggie."

"Just trying to be polite, Jessie _darling_."

"Here is my mother," interposed Cole.

Mrs. Hastings looked exactly as anyone would have guessed, knowing her son. She was tall and heavily built, like Cole, but avoided looking awkward or out of proportion by being dressed and made up with extreme care and expense, so that her elegance of wardrobe impressed you before you had time to notice anything else.

She invited them all in to a long, paneled room with windows overlooking the lake. Nora did not know what the exact title of such a room would be – 'lounge'? 'sitting room'? Surely not something as bourgeois as 'living room'. It was simply furnished, with the simplicity that screams expense rather than restraint. All the chairs and tables were solid and modern and looked slightly like a very lush hotel.

Mrs. Hastings offered everyone drinks, "before I show you the rest of the house," she said. "I know you're all looking forward to seeing it." She did not seem to mind serving alcohol to minors either – Nora supposed that was what Cole had grown up with. She asked for water.

The tour of the house took some time, between Cole offering extensive explanations about the planning of each room and what he thought they should remodel, and Lee giving his opinion, while Megan and Jess tried to show each other up without looking rude, and James and Jackie dawdled behind everyone else.

"This is my husband's study," said Mrs. Hastings, opening a door. "He has a fascination with local history, as you'll see." She laughed as if collecting local history was an eccentricity along the same lines as collecting beer cans.

The study was paneled too, with built-in bookshelves and leather armchairs. Actually, it was Nora's favorite room so far. But Cole and Lee deplored its small size.

"Is this a load-bearing wall, Hastings?" asked Lee. "It doesn't look like it is. You could knock it out and combine this room with the lounge and get the same effect as a great room."

"We can't just knock it out," protested Cole. "This wall is right down the center of the house."

Megan looked torn, but she had the advantage of being Cole's girlfriend on his own home turf, so she agreed with him. "It wouldn't make much of a great room either, would it? This room isn't shaped anything like the lounge."

"I'm sure Lee knows what he's talking about," said Jessie. "Since his dad's remodeled so many houses."

"Well, it's not like I'm a builder myself or anything, but my dad taught me you have to have imagination when you start remodeling. Consider everything, no matter how crazy." Lee grinned rakishly at Jess, dropping his voice on the last word.

Nora had no idea what a great room was, but the idea of demolishing the secluded study made her feel about as happy as the idea of cutting down trees on the water. She walked away and went to study one of the old photographs hanging on the wall. It seemed to be an old schoolhouse, back when this would have been farming country, she supposed.

James and Jackie had come up behind her, probably with the same motives of escaping the argument over load-bearing walls.

"Ugh! Just look at that!" cried Jackie, leaning forward to get a closer look at the schoolhouse photo. "Look at the children's faces – so bored they could cry. Probably just looking forward to pushing each other in the mud at recess. And the teacher, as stiff as a board. I bet he punished jokes with beatings, or something like that."

"A lot of early teachers did the best they could, and they believed in helping people learn, even if they didn't have modern methods. That certainly hasn't changed – teachers never get paid very much, then or now." James sounded just a little distant in his reply, but Jackie didn't seem to get the hint.

"Yeah, right," she laughed. "I thought the main reason to be a teacher was to get the summer off work."

Nora winced on James's behalf. "They make up for it the rest of the year, don't they?" she said. "I'm sure there are some lazy teachers, just as in any other profession. But for the really good teachers, three months off is just their well-deserved reward for all that preparation, worry, and emotional investment. Not to mention responsibility."

"And I thought you hated high school," said Jackie skeptically.

James took over as Nora hesitated. "If she did, that just shows how difficult teaching is, and how important it is to be a good teacher."

Nora wanted to add that the teachers were not her only reason for hating high school, but they were interrupted by Jess, breaking off from the other group and running over to them.

"I bet you love this room, don't you, James?" she said. "Mrs. Hastings just told us that the desk in the corner was a teacher's desk from an old school. Don't you want to go try it out? Are you feeling a sudden urge to start lecturing?"

James looked down at Jackie. "Not really."

"Hey Cole, you'd better watch out," Jess called. "When James is a high school teacher he wants that desk for his room, so he can pretend to be Mr. Chips or something. What would you sell it for, Mrs. Hastings? Probably way more than James can afford, especially on a teacher's salary – he'll have to break in and steal it."

"Jess, shut up," said Megan, looking disgusted. "The price of the Hastings' furniture is none of our business."

"That's all right," said Mrs. Hastings graciously. "Jessie was just admiring the piece, I'm sure. It is a one-of-a-kind."

Nora shot a glance at Jackie while their hostess was speaking. She looked mortified and amused at the same time.

"Why didn't you tell me you want to be a teacher, James?" she half-whispered as they left the room. Nora could not help hearing her, as she was just in front. "I wouldn't have made half as many snide remarks about teaching if you had."

"That's exactly why I don't talk about it," said James. "My family thinks it's a big joke." Nora couldn't help being pleased that he still sounded cool toward Jackie.


	9. Chapter 9

Given the various tensions acting on the members of their party, it shouldn't have been a surprise that dinner was extremely awkward. At least Jackie looked almost as painfully uncomfortable as Nora felt. James looked grieved and Megan and Jess wore identical expressions of disgust, for their very different reasons.

Fortunately Mrs. Hastings was a talker, and she seemed fairly oblivious to the fact that most of her guests were indulging in various levels of mental violence toward each other. Nora glanced at Cole, who was absorbed in his steak, and wondered again if he were really as clueless as he seemed to be, or if he – and his mother – ignored unpleasantness for some other reason. Politeness, or denial. At the moment, Nora was nothing but grateful, whatever their motivations.

She had to admit that Lee was pretty smooth too. Whenever the conversation showed signs of wavering, he filled in. It was a help, although Nora hated the smug way he looked, as if he were fully aware of being their social savior, and proud of it.

After dinner was worse. Lee and Jess found an old pack of cards in one of the tables in the lounge, and started playing a very silly game of something; Nora wasn't sure what game exactly, but it involved slapping each other's hands with a lot of giggling from Jess.

Megan sat and read the latest issue of Vogue, which she carried everywhere with her, in icy silence, while Cole tried to look over her shoulder.

James and Jackie were talking in low voices in the corner.

It was barely an hour before Megan got up and said "Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to bed. The drive made me really sleepy." Cole followed her like a puppy, while Nora tried not to think about whether Megan was headed for the room she was supposed to be sharing with Jess, or Cole's room. She wasn't going to put any bets on Megan and Jess curled up in a queen bed in sisterly harmony all night, not in their current mood of mutual acrimony.

"G'night, Meggie," said Jess loudly. "I'll be in later. Don't wait up."

Megan didn't acknowledge this, but as she took Cole's hand, she did look back at Lee over her shoulder, a look somewhere between sullen and smoldering.

Nora retired herself not too much later. She tried not to stay awake waiting for Jackie, but she did notice sleepily that it was 1:30 before Jackie came in. When you are sharing a bed with someone, it's hard to ignore their bedtime habits.

* * *

The next morning lived up to all the meteorological predictions: fine and bright, with a promise of sunny warmth later. Nora hoped everyone would try to forget the previous night, and they started out well. Cole suggested they go down to the lake right away, an idea that met with so much satisfaction, that they were all out of the house before Mrs. Hastings had finished telling them to be careful on the rocks and not to forget life jackets if they went out in the boat.

Behind the house was a huge patio followed by a really beautiful garden in terraces, a little too sculptured for Nora's tastes, but still pretty with its Japanese maples and cobbled paths. Cole led them through a gate at the bottom of the lower terrace, onto a stair set into the hill with matched bluestones for steps. You could imagine the price of that staircase without too much effort – thousands, Nora thought. That opened onto the lake shore – a narrow, pebbly beach bordered by rocks and pines and maples. To the right was a boathouse and beside it a dock stretching out into the water.

Without any discussion, they split up into two groups much as they had in the cars. Nora stuck to James and Jackie, who had started to walk down the beach to the left, away from the boathouse. The others were still dawdling along the dock talking – from what Nora could hear, it was mostly Lee asking Cole stupid questions in a brisk professional tone. James and Jackie were not very comfortable company at the moment, either; but they were still preferable to that.

Jackie shot Nora a glance as she came up behind them, but apparently she didn't mind Nora hearing, because she continued, "James, I'm really sorry about my er… comments yesterday. Of course it's great that you want to be a teacher. Everyone should have ideals. I say that, though I don't have any ideals myself, of course." She laughed with a harsh tone, then fell silent.

"So you're just saying that," said James. "You don't really believe it."

"No, I'm not just saying it. I do think it's good to have ideals. But at some point you've got to face reality, right? I really don't get why you'd consider teaching as a career. You did mean a career, right? Not just for a year after college as a service project or something?"

"No, I meant as a career."

"But why? You do realize that there are other ways to make a difference, if that's what you're worried about, ways that are a lot more effective than trying to coerce some bored kids to appreciate literature. If I heard Jess right – you want to be a high school teacher?"

Her voice rose with every question as if James's answers increased her disbelief instead of relieving it.

"Yes, I want to teach high school. And I don't think you realize the impact that a great teacher can have on someone at that point in life."

"God, James. You've watched _The Dead Poets Society_ one too many times, haven't you? You know that's fiction! Real high school teachers are burnt out and underpaid."

"Give me some credit, Jackie. I have absolutely no ambition to be Robin Williams."

She laughed, but persisted. "Seriously. High school teacher who changes the world? That's like the plot of some awful TV special."

"Jackie, listen – I'm lucky enough to have grown up with a lot of resources. I don't think you realize what it's like in some of these urban schools. What you're saying is sometimes true, unfortunately, but it doesn't have to be. There are so few people like us who are willing to make a sacrifice and really care, and so many kids who sometimes have no one else to love them."

Jackie stopped walking and Nora almost ran into her.

"James! You're talking about teaching in some inner city school!"

"What did you think I was talking about? Prep school? Now who's got 'Dead Poets' on the mind?"

Jackie shook her head. "You're hopeless. Nora, c'mon, back me up."

The last thing Nora wanted was to be dragged into their argument, but in this case it would be unjust not to say what she thought. James had no one else to stand by him. "Actually, I think what James wants to do is amazing. I'm inspired just listening to him talk about it. I didn't go to a great school, you know – I'm only here because of Uncle Bill. And I know there are schools way worse than mine, where students never would get a chance to go to college at a place like Douglas."

"You're going to get shot in a gang fight or something, and then you'll be sorry," joked Jackie, but as her two companions just glared at her, she changed the subject. "Hey, look how far we've walked! I can barely even see the dock. I didn't realize the beach was so long, just looking at it."

"It's not that long," said James with cool certainty. "It looks longer than it is, because it's flat and narrow."

"Do you have to be such a wet blanket, James? That has to be at least a mile."

"It's probably not even half a mile."

Jackie shook her head with that way she had of tossing her hair back and smiling sideways, and Nora could see James begin to melt.

"Look at my watch," he argued, but in a lighter tone, half-laughing. "It's only been ten minutes since we left the boathouse. Are you seriously suggesting we walked six miles an hour on sand?"

"Oh no! I'm not getting into watches and math problems!" Jackie turned around and started back toward the boathouse, shaking her head over her shoulder. "You may be a teacher some day, but it's too late to start with me."

When they got back to the dock, the rest of the group was nowhere to be seen.

"Where'd they go now?" Jackie wondered. "How rude! I want to go out in the boat and Cole's not here to take me. How dare he?"

"They probably walked down the other side of the beach."

"I don't see them."

"Well, maybe they went around that little point, climbing over the rocks."

"How long is it to the point, thirty yards?" asked Jackie saucily.

"Okay, smarty, this time we're measuring exactly." James looked at his watch again.

"I don't think I can walk with you," said Nora. She was disgusted at herself for not being able to keep up, but it was true. She had barely been able to walk the last few feet to the dock, with her right calf knotted in pain. "I've got a really bad cramp in my leg."

James was instantly sympathetic. "Oh, walking on sand'll do that to you. We can wait for you."

"Yeah, stretch it out, you'll be okay in a minute," said Jackie, a little less sympathetically.

"No, don't wait – you go on without me," Nora said, feeling even stupider than usual. She hated having people make a fuss when she was just being weak and pathetic.

James hesitated, but Jackie said, "Sure, we could go down to that point and look around for the others. Besides, I'm still not convinced that James knows anything about distances." She looked up at him again. That decided it. After a few more half-hearted offers to stay, they left, promising just to walk to the point and then come back.

Nora sat down on the edge of the dock and clutched her leg, trying to stretch her toes out and wincing. After a few minutes the cramp began to subside and she scooted down the dock until she could dangle her legs over the water. The soles of her shoes just brushed the surface as she swung them back and forth. She leaned forward, watching her reflection form and shatter in the ripples, dancing over the barely visible forms that glanced underneath in the murk. She amused herself trying to make out what the shapes were – first a water weed of some kind, then a small silver fish, then a larger fish.

After a while she began to wonder about Jackie and James. Despite everything Jackie had to say, the little rocky point wasn't that far away. From where she was sitting, she couldn't quite see around the bulk of the boathouse, but even craning around backwards showed no sign of them on the little beach or even on the rocks.


	10. Chapter 10

Nearly half an hour had passed before Nora heard approaching footsteps rasping in the pebbly sand, and voices. But it didn't sound like Jackie and James.

"What are you doing all alone?" said Lee, sitting down beside Nora on the dock, a little too close for her comfort. Cole and Megan were with him, carrying sodas.

"James and Jackie went down to that point to look for you," explained Nora.

"Oh too bad! We went back up to the house for drinks."

"Jess got caught talking to Mrs. Hastings," Megan snickered.

"What really happened," Lee said, "is that you threw her under the bus and left her there."

"It was for the greater good," said Megan. They nudged each other. Cole said nothing.

"Let's go out in the boat, Cole," Megan added, after a minute or two, and more in the tone of a command than a suggestion.

"Oh, but we don't have the lifejackets down here. If I'd known, we could have collected them while we were up at the house. I wish you'd said something then, Meggie."

"Forget the lifejackets," she said.

"Wearing lifejackets is a house rule," protested Cole. "If you really want to go out on the lake, I'll have to go up and get them."

As no one contradicted him, or offered to go with him, he sighed and headed back up the steps.

"The lake looks gorgeous with the sun on it, doesn't it?" observed Megan, walking a little way down the dock. "It's too bad it's not warm enough to swim. I almost wish I had my suit with me, just for one plunge."

"I wish you had your suit with you too," said Lee. "Oh, I'm not supposed to say things like that, am I? Fine, I don't wish you had your suit. I wouldn't enjoy watching you jump into an ice-cold lake in your bikini, at all."

Nora squirmed behind them, wishing they were both in the lake so she wouldn't have to listen to this. She could hardly believe Lee meant what it sounded like he meant, but she wasn't quite naive enough to convince herself it was all innocent.

"How do you know I have a bikini?"

Lee didn't say anything, and after a minute Megan said in a sharper tone, "Maybe you'd enjoy watching Jess. She has a bikini."

"Jess is a good athlete, she'd probably be good at diving," agreed Lee.

"And I'm not a good athlete?"

"I didn't say that." Lee went on in a half-joking way, "It's not necessarily an insult to say you're not as athletic. Being athletic implies a certain type, someone who rushes into things, someone full of energy; maybe a little more down-to-earth and not as –"

"–sophisticated?"

"Maybe, if you want to put it that way."

There was another silence. Nora couldn't read either of their expressions.

After a minute, Lee sauntered down the dock himself and poked his head around the side of the boathouse.

"Hey, there's a canoe in here too," he said. "That would be fun. Let's take the canoe out a little way while we wait."

"Oh, do you think –?"

"Sure, the paddles and everything are right here, and you know Cole will take forever counting lifejackets and telling mommy what we're up to. Besides, if we go out in the water a little way we'll get a great view of the house."

"I don't think Cole will be more than a few minutes," said Nora, unable to keep quiet. "Wouldn't it be better to wait for him, since he went especially for the lifejackets?"

Megan wasn't paying any attention. She said, "I don't know…" but with the regretful drag in her voice that just begged to be persuaded.

"You said yourself, forget the lifejackets," said Lee, dropping his voice the way he always did when he was trying to be charming. Nora couldn't see why her cousins always fell for it, both of them.

The canoe was in the water in two minutes; and although Nora felt she owed it to Cole to repeat her suggestion that they wait, she could tell it was useless. Megan gaily waved her paddle at Nora as Lee shoved off from the dock. "If he gets back, tell him we just wanted to get a better view of the house."

That was the stupidest excuse Nora had ever heard, and she was already blushing with vicarious embarrassment. Of course she would have to be the one to tell Cole that his girlfriend didn't feel like waiting for him or following his rule about the lifejackets.

They were still in sight, Lee steering the canoe along a course parallel to the beach, when Jess ran breathlessly down the stairs.

"You can't get that woman to shut up," she growled to Nora. Then she caught sight of the canoe receding slowly out into the lake, in which, even at this distance, it was obvious neither Lee nor Megan were paying any attention to the house. "Okay, what are they doing? I met Cole and he said we were all going out in the boat."

Nora kept her explanation as brief as possible, and tried to keep from sounding bitter, but Jessie wasn't slow. "God, my sister is such a brat. Serve her right if Cole dumps her. Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. Where did Jackie go?"

"She and James walked down the beach the other way looking for you all. They were just going to go as far as that little point with the rocks, and then come back, but they've been gone forever."

For some reason Jessie giggled at that. "Yeah, I bet. All right, I'll go see if I can figure out where they ended up." She loped off down the beach with her easy athlete's stride, before Nora could ask to go with her. Just as well, Nora thought. She'd probably disgrace herself trying to keep up.

Five more minutes of solitude, and this time Nora rather hoped she wouldn't be interrupted in her meditations, since the next person to join her could only be Cole. Inevitably enough, he came puffing down the stairs with his arms festooned with lifejackets, the minute this thought crossed her mind.

"Where is everyone?" was his all-too-unsurprising question.

Nora explained, shamelessly trying to throw as much of the blame on Lee as she possibly could, but as was only his right, Cole was much more shocked and offended by Megan's desertion than by anything Lee could do. After standing on the dock for some minutes, trying to convince himself that it looked like they were turning the canoe around, he finally let the lifejackets drop to the ground, and with a frustrated sigh slumped down to sit on the edge next to Nora.

"I wish she'd waited for me – I wasn't gone that long, was I?" he said.

Nora half-shrugged and made an apologetic wincing face. "I don't know – it was really only a few minutes, but it's hard to judge time passing when you're waiting for someone. She was really excited about the lake, and seeing the house from the lake, like Lee suggested." Nora had brought up the house excuse only because she couldn't think of anything better to offer, and then she was sorry she had. Cole just scowled.

"They can't see the house at all from where they are now. It looks like they're going to paddle around that island in the middle and then who knows what – probably go down to the other end of the lake and back. I don't understand. Why wouldn't she wait for me?"

"Maybe when James and Jess and Jackie come back, we can all go in the boat after them," said Nora, feeling even as she said it that her suggestion was horribly cold comfort. Of course, Cole would probably love to get in a boat and chase after his girlfriend, who had taken off in a canoe with another guy. Nice one, Nora.

"I don't know that there's any point in taking the boat out now," Cole said. She could see that he was determined to be childish about it.

"Oh, come on, I know Jessie wanted to go out, and I do too," said Nora. With relief, she turned to see the other three approaching.

"I guess I did get the lifejackets already." Cole was softening. "We might as well, instead of sit around the house doing nothing. There isn't anything better to do – I didn't bring much homework with me."

Nora encouraged this with all the enthusiasm she could muster, and turned to the others, hoping with all her might that they would be quick enough to grasp the situation and give her some backup. However, while Jess did agree to go boating, Jackie said she didn't want to.

"We've already explored half the lake, and I'm worn out," she exclaimed. "You all go on. I'll just go back up to the house."

But at this James offered to go with her and keep her company. Nora had already, in her efforts to soothe Cole, more or less promised that she would go; so she found herself watching from the boat as James, his hand on her arm, ushered Jackie back up the bluestone steps.

Despite what Lee had said, from the lake the view of the house and garden was mostly blocked by the trees which Cole wanted to cut down. That the trees were in their full autumn glory was all the consolation Nora got for the trip.

* * *

The boating group never did catch up with the canoe. When they got back after an exhaustive tour of the lake as narrated by Cole, including approximate square footage and age of all the neighboring houses, it was growing dusk. It appeared that they had somehow managed to miss meeting Lee and Megan, who looked blank when asked where they had gone, and whether they had gone into any of the little bays or inlets. They didn't remember doing that, they didn't remember going around the island, and they hadn't seen the boat at any time.

Nora, observing, reflected that Cole would have been much wiser not to press it, but even Cole could not pretend he hadn't noticed what happened this time. He kept asking. They must have seen the boat. How could they not have seen it? Megan just laughed every time he asked. Lee said that they – he and Megan – were the most unobservant people in the world and shouldn't ever be allowed out together again. He looked at Megan as he spoke and she did her sulky look back at him.

It was shaping up to be another excruciating dinner, and to make things worse just as they sat down Lee said, "That sounds like rain."

They all fell silent at the same time, so everyone could hear clearly the soft thrumming of heavy drops on the roof above them. Considering they still had two whole days of vacation, and no one had brought any indoor activities, the faces around the table all went glum.

"Maybe it'll clear up," said Mrs. Hastings brightly.

* * *

But it didn't clear up. Nora woke up early the next morning, and having quietly put on a sweatshirt and jeans, so as not to wake Jackie, she tiptoed out to the lounge room or whatever you called it. It was still raining and the room looked chilly in the early morning light. Nora stared out through the picture window into solid grey. She didn't know how they were going to make it through a whole day in such close quarters. The thought was so depressing she almost wished her dad hadn't given her permission to come, or that she herself had been more determined in thinking Cole didn't mean to invite her. Anything so that she wouldn't have to be trapped here with a group of silly people who either liked each other too much or hated each other too much.

At length everyone got up and ate breakfast and listened to Mrs. Hastings talk, and found various magazines to read. The room began to feel stuffy in some indefinable way, as rooms do when you know you're stuck there, and Nora felt that she was going to have a bad headache. It hadn't come on yet, but it was going to. She could feel it hovering around her eyes.

She could have hugged James in relief after lunch, when he suggested that they might go back to campus early. He had disappeared into the study, where Mr. Hastings kept a radio, and after about half an hour he walked back out to the lounge and announced that the weather report wasn't good.

"It sounds like absolutely solid rain for the next forty-eight hours. They said the storm clouds cover the entire state."

"Oh, God," said Megan predictably.

"I was thinking, maybe we should just drive back to campus this afternoon. Not to say I don't appreciate your hospitality, Mrs. Hastings –"

But the rest of his apology was lost as everyone agreed that going back early was the most brilliant idea they had ever heard. Even Cole did not object. The only person who looked less than overjoyed was Lee, for some reason. Nora noticed him grimace and wondered what kind of a scheme he had been planning. Whatever it was, going back to college would ruin it, which as far as she was concerned, was the best reason yet to go.

Mrs. Hastings did insist on making them sandwiches and packing a cooler to take with them for dinner, which delayed the departure another whole hour, when if they had left at once they might even have been back in time for dinner at the cafeteria. Nobody objected too much, since it was Saturday and sandwiches were infinitely preferable to Leftover Night fare. But by the time Mrs. Hastings had found individual bags of chips to match the favorite flavor of each person, even James was beginning to show signs of impatience.

The drive back was silent. Jackie and James were lost in thoughts which did not seem to be entirely pleasing, whatever they were. When they pulled up in the parking lot of Pieper, they unloaded the trunk and said goodbye to James with a minimum of speaking to each other.


	11. Chapter 11

"Why isn't anyone having any Halloween parties this year?" complained Jim Blake, settling down with a beer one Saturday evening not long after Fall Break. Everyone had congregated at the Sticks to watch movies, but having come to an impasse over _Saving Private Ryan_ versus _Good Will Hunting_ , they were listening to music and watching the end of a football game on mute instead. Nora could not be sorry – she thought both choices sounded depressing, and she hated depressing movies.

"Last year," Blake continued, "the best party of the whole year was the Halloween party at that house over by the Art Center – they had awards for the best costumes, and games, and the food was fantastic, not to mention a full bar. DJ too. But the people who lived there, and hosted the party, were all seniors, and they're gone now. This year – nothing. Sorry, girls, but I can't get excited about your dorm party. Dry, and over at eleven!"

"It's awful how uncreative everyone is here," said Megan. "I didn't expect much at Douglas, but I did think there might be a little more of a social life than this. I guess with Mrs. Barnes planning our Halloween party, there's nothing we can do about it, although she'll probably be mad when no one shows up, and have no idea why. Cole, can you rub my back? My shoulder's stiff."

"New idea," said Lee. "We have a Halloween party ourselves here at the Sticks."

"Brilliant!" said Jess, who was sitting on the floor at Lee's feet.

"Fantastic," said Megan at the same time, and then to Cole, "Ow, not like that!"

"Here, let me try. I'm pretty good at massages," said Lee, reaching over.

Megan scooted over, ignoring both Cole's protests and the fact that she was pushing Jess out of the way. Lee put his hands on her shoulders caressingly, leaning in with his chin almost in her hair. "Ooooh," she moaned, kind of indecently considering her boyfriend was next to her, Nora thought.

"So you want to do a party?" said Blake, who was nothing if not persistent.

"I really don't think having a party at a house that belongs to Dad is a very good idea," said James.

"Raise your hand if you care what James thinks." Tim was, as usual, quick to mock.

"You can care what I think or not care what I think. Your opinion of me isn't the point. I seem to remember that 'no parties' was a requirement of our agreement with Dad."

"God, James, you're so literal. Dad wouldn't mind a small party – he just doesn't want the place trashed."

"So should we have a theme for the costumes, or not?"

"Definitely a theme – otherwise you get the same thing over and over. People are so boring." That was Lee, and of course the minute he spoke, Jess and Megan were all in favor of theme ideas too.

"Oooh yes –"

"Let's see, we could do movies, or retro, like fifties or something –"

"Pimps and Hos!" shouted Blake.

"– or something with food," put in Cole vaguely.

"What about Paris as a theme. Lee could help us." Megan was envisioning herself in a French maid costume, you could just see it on her face.

Blake yelled, "Pimps and Hos!" louder this time.

Nora shuddered. She looked over at James, who was stiff with anger and worry.

"Tim," she heard him say, under the noisy discussion, "I really don't think this is a good idea."

"What Dad doesn't know won't hurt him," Tim said.

"But he's trusting us to take care of the house – I don't feel right about this at all."

"Look, James – we're talking about inviting some friends over for Halloween. That's all. It's not a 'party' like Dad warned us about. We won't even advertise it. Invitation only. It's not that big a deal, okay?"

"I don't know, it sounds like it could be really expensive."

"Not if we all share the cost. You can do decorations for practically nothing. And anyway, if you're not planning it, you don't have to worry about it. Let us take care of the cost. It's none of your business."

"It is my business when it's taking place in a house I promised Dad to take care of."

"What are you going to do about it? Call Dad and tattle?" Tim was getting really annoyed.

"No, but I just want you to know that I'm not taking responsibility for any of this. I'm not getting involved, and if anything happens you can answer to Dad."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

Nora was distracted by Jackie asking her what she planned for her costume. And of course she'd missed what they had decided about themes.

"Oh, I don't really like dressing up," she demurred hastily, to a chorus of "C'mon, Nora!"

"No really, I'd rather not be involved. It's none of my business what you all do, but I owe Uncle Bill everything and I don't want to do anything he wouldn't like."

"Well, if you're not planning anything," said Megan, looking sly, "do you mind if I borrow some of your clothes?"

That was an odd request, but she found herself answering automatically, "No, of course not, but I doubt if I have anything that would fit you – you're a lot taller than me."

Megan shrieked with laughter before she had finished speaking, and Nora deduced that they must have settled on Pimps and Hos after all.

* * *

"They don't realize how this kind of thing can get out of hand," ranted James later as he walked Nora back to the dorm, leaving the party planning in full swing behind them. "The word gets out, a few people invite their neighbors, and pretty soon you have total chaos on your hands. That's exactly why Dad made the no-party rule so strict, and Tim knows it. Blake doesn't know my Dad as well, so maybe he doesn't realize that Dad always means what he says – no interpretation, no stretching a point."

"I would have thought the Cadwells might have respected your concerns a little more, considering you're the one who lives there," said Nora.

James's face softened a little. "Well, they have no idea what any of our rules are, and they're not responsible to Dad either. You notice Jackie wasn't pushing it nearly as hard as my own sisters, who ought to know better."

Nora had noticed no such thing, but she kept her mouth shut.

"Ugh! And of course they decided on the worst, tackiest possible theme idea!" James burst out as they reached Pieper. "At the very least it could have been tasteful, like when they were talking about doing 50s. I know I'm a prude, but... ugh. Do you mind if we walk down the block to the arboretum? I don't want to go back yet, and I should probably try and calm down a little anyway."

"Sure," said Nora, a lovely warm thrill at her heart. Did she _mind_?

"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to."

"Oh no – if you'd like the company – it's a beautiful night –" And it was, chill and bright with the first cold of autumn, the still air stinging her face just enough to be wakeful and not enough to be painful. For just one moment she thought how perfect it would be if James reached over and took her hand. But she knew he didn't feel that way about her. She stuck her hands deep in her jacket pockets for warmth and sighed. James was talking about Jackie.

"It's such a pity that Jackie grew up the way she did. She's an amazing person really – she's talented, she's sweet, she's funny – she could do anything she wants to. But she's so lost. I think her dad has made her cynical, so she thinks she can't do anything really worthwhile. Maybe she doesn't think there is anything worthwhile, I don't know. But I do know she's not really like that, underneath all that hard shell."

"Mmm," said Nora.

"I'm not expressing it very well, but you know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

"Yes, I know what you mean," she said, although she wasn't sure, actually. The inner Jackie was hard to get a read on. Obviously, there must be something she really cared about, but it was difficult to tell. It might be that she was just who she seemed - that she really cared about herself, and nothing else. However, that boiled down to the same thing James was saying, except that Nora didn't think it was her personal mission to save lost little Jackie.

Well, if James was biased, so was Nora. Her opinion of Jackie was inversely proportional to his, and she knew perfectly well why. She didn't want James to like Jackie. It was selfish and it was silly, but it was true. And she was afraid that in spite of all their differences, all their arguments, they would end up together. She couldn't see it working, but it would happen anyway, and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

She had tried not to fall in love with James. Even now, she tried to tell herself it was nothing but a crush. But he was too nice, too sweet, too good – she couldn't help it. She wanted him to think of her, not just as a shy cousin who needed a lot of help, but as a girl who shared his opinions, his dreams, his tastes. It would never happen. For all they weren't really related by blood, she could see that to him she was exactly the same as a sister.

"Maybe I'll talk to Megan and Jess," mused James. "Blake can be kind of dense sometimes, but if I get the girls to think about what they're doing, we can put a stop to things without making a fuss about it."

Nora doubted that. She privately thought Lee's opinion would have a lot more sway with Megan and Jess than their older brother's. They might not even have paid any attention to Tim if Lee hadn't jumped in as well. But she hoped for the best – maybe Jess at least would listen to James.

"I hope they listen," she said out loud.

"Well, if not, then I'll give up, but at least I'll have done my best," James said.

* * *

James brought up the topic of the party the next day at lunch. Lee was sitting with a group of international studies majors, and Jackie had grabbed a sandwich and run off to finish a paper before her afternoon class. Even Cole had some pre-law meeting to attend. There were only Bayfields at the table – and Nora of course – which was what James had intended.

"I wanted to talk to you two about this Halloween Party," he began, straightforward as usual.

Megan rolled her eyes. "Give it up, James. We all know what you think."

"Megan, listen for a minute. I think the theme you've picked is awful, but that's not even my main point. That's just my personal opinion. If it were just that, I'd keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. But we have a responsibility to Dad, and while you and Jess don't live in the house, you are part of the family."

"You just admitted you think it's awful – that shows you're biased. James, you're such a prude."

"There are three people who live in the house, who all had the same conversation with Dad," interposed Jessie. "Two out of three don't see a problem with having a Halloween party. So why should we believe you instead? What makes you think you should be the arbiter of Dad's wishes?"

"Probably because Blake never listens and Tim doesn't even pay Dad the rent he's supposed to according to the agreement."

Jess opened her mouth, but she didn't have an answer for that one.

James pressed his advantage, turning back to Megan. "You two are the leaders of our group, socially anyway. If you and Jess both said you had changed your minds about the party, everyone else would follow your lead."

An appeal to her vanity was a good tactic. Megan spoke without her usual sarcasm. "Look, I appreciate the fact that you're coming to us with your concern, James. But I really think you're blowing this completely out of proportion."

As she spoke, Tim walked up to their table. Almost before his tray touched the table he was talking about the party. James just looked over at Nora and shrugged. She knew what he was thinking – at least he'd tried.


	12. Chapter 12

All anyone could talk about for the next week was the Halloween Party. Tim sat with them at nearly every meal instead of with his senior friends, on purpose to discuss it. Sometimes he brought a few of the senior friends over as well.

They had apparently decided that party planning tasks should be divided up so that each person had some responsibility, but the actual work involved was shared very unequally, as far as Nora could tell.

"So Blake is going to be DJ," said Tim on Tuesday at dinner, summarizing for at least the tenth time. "Lee and Megan are doing decor and ambience - transforming the Sticks into a decadent Paris bordello."

"I'm sure I could help with decorations," put in Cole.

"Honey, you're no good at decorating," said Megan in her being-kind-to-Cole voice.

"Besides," added Lee. "You're the only person we can trust to act as bartender. You know how to make all the drinks and you have enough sense to take care of all the liquor and not let any freshmen get totally smashed."

"Jess is doing invitations," continued Tim, ignoring this interruption.

"I should be helping with decor instead of Megan - at least I have taste," said Jess in an undertone to no one in particular.

"I thought I was doing invitations?" Jackie asked.

"Oh, that's right, Jackie's doing invitations. She knows where to get them printed."

"Wait a minute, then what's Jess going to do?" asked Lee.

"That's all right," said Jess. "I can just help you out with decor."

"No you can't," Megan snapped.

Lee explained. "What we're doing is a surprise. We wanted to keep it just the two of us."

"You're kidding me. You won't let me help?"

"You should do the invitations. Didn't you tell me you can do hand-lettering? Besides, I was looking forward to being there to see your face when you see everything complete. I really wanted the surprise to be for you." Lee dropped his voice, and Jess began to look a little happier, but Tim interrupted again.

"No, we've already settled this. Jackie's doing invitations. Jess could do snacks if she wants - she knows how to make red velvet cake."

Jess blinked, and Nora thought she might have been going to cry, but she only burst out, "Don't worry, Tim, Lee. I have no intention of serving as your cook. You can get anyone to fill punch glasses or whatever. I'm absolutely not doing that. I wanted to help, but if you don't need me, it's really not a big deal." And she picked up her tray and left.

Nora half wanted to go after her, but she wouldn't know what to say, and Jess had never confided in her. So she stayed where she was, feeling sorry for Jess and wishing she had the nerve to go storming off too.

"Okay, so we've got all the assignments settled," said Jackie. "But the thing is, I might need some help with the invitations. I know a guy who works in the graphics lab and he's going to fix it so we can print for free - orange paper and everything. But he doesn't have time to help with the layout, and I'm no good with computers - I don't even know how to insert clip art, or make the letters curved like they do on invitations. And my handwriting is crap. Maybe we should have asked Jess to collaborate with me."

"Well, it's too late now. I know my sister. Once she's in a snit like that, she doesn't get over it for a while."

"Um... I guess I can ask around in some of my classes or on the hall in the dorm, or something," said Jackie. "I really need to find someone who's good with computers. Tim? Could you help me?"

"I will if I have time, but I'm supposed to be cleaning the whole house and moving the furniture around and I have a big history test next week - it couldn't be timed any worse."

Here James looked at his watch. "It's getting late. Nora - are you ready to go? Socrates society starts in fifteen minutes."

"Sure," said Nora, in relief.

James was fairly silent as they walked over to the student union. Nora wondered what he was thinking, and she was afraid she could guess. Jackie had so obviously been angling for him with her comments about a computer expert.

Watching, she thought James looked brighter as they greeted Beth Grant and Alex Martin and the other regulars. Tonight's discussion was about history - Are We Doomed to Repeat Ourselves? the flyers had demanded. As usual, Alex was playing devil's advocate, and Beth was matching him argument for argument.

"We've been making the same mistakes now for several thousand years," said Alex, leaning back in his chair with the air of having proved his point. "And the problem, as I see it, is that you only learn from your mistakes if you actually experience them. Reading about it isn't enough, because everyone always thinks they'd be smarter than that."

"How can you say we haven't learned anything?" retorted Beth. "We don't torture people anymore, do we?"

"That's just because we're on a non-torturing swing now. The pendulum will go back the other way. Maybe it already has."

"Wait," Nora began, just as Beth opened her mouth, and then, caught off guard, she stumbled and blushed. "Sorry Beth, go ahead - Oh, all right, well I was just going to say - I mean - just supposing Alex is right."

"I definitely am," put in Alex.

"You're saying we haven't learned so far - granted that's true, do you think there's _anything_ that could teach us to learn from our mistakes? If you could make it happen, how would you do it?"

Alex paused for so long that Beth, who was sitting next to Nora, nudged her with a triumphant glance. But Nora hadn't meant it as a zinger. She was relieved when James and Alex started talking at the same time about ideas that could make a difference, and then when they were joined from further down the table by a guy with a scruffy beard who seemed to be a poli-sci major.

"Good question, Nora," James said to her later, as they were walking down to Pieper through the chilly starlight. There was frost on the grass and everything had a dim and distant sparkle. "I think you single-handedly broke that discussion open."

Nora blushed again - she could feel the heat in her cheeks against the cold air. "I'm trying to participate more."

"You participated with a vengeance tonight! No, it was great, really."

After a minute of silence, James spoke again in an entirely different tone of voice. "Jackie wants me to help her with the invitations for their Halloween party."

"Wait, did she actually come out and ask you?"

"Yes, while you were turning in your dinner tray."

"What did you say?"

"I said no, of course. But I'm really concerned, Nora. I want to get your feedback on this."

"You want my advice?" Nora said, astonished. He was a junior, after all, and she was a freshman, often a foolish freshman at that.

"Yes, I need to bounce some thoughts off someone, and it has to be someone outside who also knows the people involved. Besides, you always have a lot of common sense."

She pushed her hands deeper into her jacket pockets. "Okay -"

"I told Jackie no, and she said that was fine. But then she said she'd just ask someone else. She said she thought she knew someone in her history class who would help. And here's the thing, Nora. This is turning out exactly the way I was afraid it would. The whole project is expanding exponentially by the minute. Tim's already told who knows how many of his friends, and they'll probably mention it to people they know; and here we are. We already don't know how many people are going to be showing up to this supposedly private party. All we need is for a couple of the frats to find out about it."

"I know!" agreed Nora. "But what can we do about it? It seems like it's already too late."

"That's what I wanted to ask you about. I think I could probably keep a handle on it - damage control, you know."

"How would you do that?" she asked. No one was listening to reason as it was. Nora didn't want to say that and sound like a wet blanket, but she didn't see how James was going to limit the craziness when he hadn't been able to make them show any respect for his father's rules.

"I could do it, if I get involved and help out. Think about it - if I help Jackie with the invitations I can have a say in how they get handed out, and how many we print, even."

"You'd do that, even after everything you said about your dad?" Nora could hardly believe it. And she knew who to blame. James would never be going back on his word, if not for Jackie. "They'll never let you forget that!"

"I don't care what they say, if I can contain the party to a reasonable number of people. It would be worth it. Don't you agree?"

They had stopped outside Pieper, where the yellow light from the lobby fell out on the sidewalk, and James turned to look in her face. With his eyes on her, Nora hesitated. She couldn't truthfully agree, but neither could she lecture James on her opinions. That would be awful. And maybe she was wrong - maybe she was just being uptight and pessimistic.

"So you don't agree," said James in such a disappointed voice that Nora winced. "But is there anything else I can do that would have any effect whatsoever?"

That question she could honestly answer. "No, I can't think of anything."

"Then I have to do it. I'd rather have your agreement, but I really don't think I have any choice. And of course, it will make Jackie happy. I _think_ it'll make her happy, anyway."

He clearly wanted to be reassured on that point, which was as close as he had come to asking Nora whether Jackie liked him. He _better_ not ask me that, she thought. But there was no point in denying that Jackie would be happy if she got her way.

"All right, I'll tell her when I see her at lunch tomorrow. Or maybe I'll even email her tonight. That might be better, so I can avoid making a big deal about it in front of Tim," said James. "I should go - I'm sure you have homework you have to get back to. Thanks for listening, Nora."

"Sure," she said, and even smiled at him. But when she was up in her room, there was no focusing on her history reading. She couldn't stop thinking about it. How could James ignore everything he himself had said about respect for his dad, and keeping his word? As if now it didn't matter, because Jackie needed help with some clip art. Trying to limit the damage was pointless - after he'd just said the word was already out! And what Uncle Bill would say - Nora shuddered. She'd been witness to very few Uncle Bill lectures, but they were family legend. He never gave them unless they were deserved, but when he did they would flay the skin from your bones. The whole Halloween party scheme got worse and worse - it was ruining everything. If it weren't for Lee jumping in and now Jackie -!

It was hard to feel much for her roommate at the moment besides resentment. Fortunately Nora had the excuse of bending over her book, so she didn't have to look at or talk to her. But just as she had reached this point in her thoughts, Jackie gave an excited squeak from her desk. She must have gotten James's email. He certainly didn't waste any time.


	13. Chapter 13

That weekend everyone gathered at The Sticks in a frenzy of party preparation. Halloween was a week away, on Sunday, and the same weekend was Parents' Weekend, when parents could come to campus and talk with the professors and sit in on classes. Everyone who had a parent coming thus also had to spruce up his or her dorm room, tidy away things like movies and spread the books around so it appeared that the resident had been interrupted in serious study. And all the professors seemed to think it would be a good idea to have tests and papers due, so they would have something to tell the parents about.

"That's so Douglas, still to have parent-teacher conferences," Lee complained.

"As if we're in kindergarten or something," said Megan, chiming in.

Jess ordinarily would have added something too, since it was Lee, but she was still not talking to anyone but Nora and James. Today she was back at Pieper writing a paper. Or claiming to, anyway.

Nora would have been happy to stay at Pieper too, but Jackie and James combined had dragged her along. Jackie she might have been able to resist, but not James. She was currently engaged in folding a stack of napkins while she tried to go over her science notes, which she hoped Uncle Bill would not consider "helping," if he ever knew about it.

" _Dad's_ not coming for Parents' Weekend, is he?" asked Tim, appearing in the kitchen doorway with a beer in one hand, a trash bag in the other, and an expression of horror on his face.

James shook his head. "No, he's got a conference out of state, as you'd know if you ever actually read Dad's emails."

"Are your parents coming?" Lee asked Nora.

"No," she said, without explaining.

"Too busy," said Lee, supplying his own explanation, which was close enough. Too broke would have been closer, but Nora didn't feel it necessary to volunteer that information.

She already knew from Jackie that her dad was coming, and neither Cadwell sibling seemed very happy about it. Nora knew why Jackie hated seeing her dad, but why Lee acted so grudging she didn't know, unless it was just that he was busy with the Halloween scheme.

"I could use some help with this," yelled Cole from the kitchen, where he was unpacking grocery bags full of supplies for his makeshift bar. He was still too young to buy the liquor, of course – Tim and Blake were going to pick that up later in the week, "so we don't drink it all before the party," Blake had said.

No one else moved, so Nora went out to help him.

"There's more in the car," he said as she approached. "It's open."

Nora went out back to the alley behind the house, where Cole's car was parked, and stood in shock. The backseat and the trunk were full – cases of soda, two whole bags of lemons, a bag of limes, a bunch of fresh mint in an expensive-looking plastic package, and a number of ingredients she didn't even recognize. If James had been able to limit the party planning at all, she hated to think what it would have looked like unlimited.

There was no point in worrying about that now. She made herself fill her arms with soda bottles and carry them in to Cole, who was stacking them in a cardboard box in the corner of the kitchen and counting as he went.

"Forty-two. I hope that's enough," he said as Nora handed him the last couple of bottles. "We'll have to get coolers with ice ready on Saturday, of course."

Nora went back out to get the lemons and limes, and when she came back Cole was saying, "I don't think anyone realizes what a big job this is, and they've got two people on decor of all things."

She didn't know whether he had intended to speak to himself or to her, but she agreed with him, and said so.

"At least someone agrees with me," said Cole. "Cadwell doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Speaking of Cadwell, what do you think of him, Nora?"

Nora guessed her opinion of Lee was at least as bad as Cole's, but she hated to talk about anyone behind his back. "I'm not a huge fan," she said cautiously.

"Me either," said Cole.

Having finished, Nora followed Cole to the door of the kitchen and looked past his shoulder. The living room was nearly empty. Tim, Blake, James, and Jackie had all disappeared at some point. Megan and Lee were nestled snugly in the corner of the largest sofa, apparently looking at a catalogue or magazine of some sort. Their heads were bent together and Lee had his arm around Megan.

Cole turned around. He didn't say anything to Nora, just walked out the back door and down the steps to his car, with what for Cole was a certain pathetic dignity.

Nora hesitated, on the point of saying something to Megan. But what could she say? Megan wasn't that stupid. She knew exactly what she was doing. Nora settled instead for going upstairs to see if she could find Jackie.

Jackie was not hard to find either, and she and James were bent over the computer in James's room almost as closely as Megan and Lee were bent over their magazine.

"I'm going back to Pieper, if no one needs me," Nora said, after waiting a minute to see if they'd look up or notice her presence.

"Hmmm?… okay," said Jackie.

James looked around and grinned at her, which, under the circumstances, wasn't particularly comforting.

When she got back to Pieper, Jessie poked her head out the door of her own room. She must have been listening for footsteps.

"Just you, huh?" she asked, which wasn't very flattering. Nora could hardly blame her either though. "How are the happy crew coming along?"

"You know – busy and stuff."

"Yeah. What about Megan and Lee? Still cozy?"

Nora grimaced for answer. There wasn't much to say.

"I wish Cole would dump her already!" Jess spat. "What is he waiting for?"

There was no answer to that either. Nora had been wondering herself.

* * *

Megan and Lee spent all Friday afternoon and half the night decorating the Sticks. Considering the theme was still Pimps and Hos with a heavy emphasis on realism, Nora didn't bother to go over. She couldn't even imagine what Lee's creativity had done with the decorations. She didn't want to imagine, actually.

Saturday no one came to lunch, and it looked as if Nora was going to have to endure the shame of sitting alone. She wished she'd brought a book in, so at least she could pretend she had done it on purpose in order to study. But when she was halfway through her sandwich and beginning to consider smuggling the rest of it out just so she wouldn't have to sit there looking at the wall any longer, James walked in.

"How's the party prep going?" asked Nora, which had become the only polite greeting in their group for the past two weeks.

"My part's all done, and Megan and Lee aren't letting anyone in until tomorrow. I've seen the outside though, and – well, I guess they've done a good job. They did what they set out to do, anyway. It looks – it looks indecent. I guess I'm being a prude, huh?"

"James –"

"Jackie wants me to dress up, which I'd never really thought about when I got into this. That's probably really stupid of me too. I don't know – she says all I need to do is wear a loud jacket or something, but –" he broke off.

Nora felt all the regret and pain he must be feeling. She wanted to reach out and give his hand a friendly squeeze – it wouldn't mean anything, just a show of sympathy from a friend – but she couldn't make herself do it.

Jess slid into the chair next to James, already munching on a bowl of cheerios.

"Hey," she greeted them, with more animation in her eyes than Nora had seen since the fall break trip. "Guess who's here?"

They stared at her, bewildered.

"Dad. Mr. Bill Bayfield himself." She paused to enjoy their expressions. "Yeah, his conference got cancelled, so he decided to come up for Parents' Weekend after all. He stopped by Pieper first, but I was the only one there. So where's he going next? Well, he saw flyers for a Halloween party plastered all over the dorm. So – that's right, big brother. He's headed for the Sticks. Perfect timing, now that it's all decorated."

James stood up so fast he knocked his chair into the girl sitting at the table behind them. "I'd better go. I have to warn him – it'll be ten times worse if he sees that unprepared."

"Too late – you're not going to catch him," crowed Jess, but he was already gone.

Nora stared at Jess. They were all going to get it, even James with all his good intentions. Maybe James most of all. She thought of the decorations, the flyers, the liquor, the coolers of beer all ready. She didn't know Uncle Bill very well, but there was no way that was going over well.

"I know what you're thinking," said Jess, digging into her cheerios. "I owe Lee Cadwell a big one for being such a jerk. At least now I can say I was never involved."

Nora hadn't been thinking that, but if there was any silver lining to this mess, it might be that at least Jess was putting Lee behind her. She could only applaud that.

After lunch she and Jess both went back to Pieper, ostensibly to do homework but actually to sit waiting, dreading the eventual explosion, and wondering what on earth was going on over at the Sticks.

Eventually, late in the afternoon, Megan came back followed by Jackie.

"… Stupid. What a waste," Megan was snarling as they walked down the hall.

"So what's going on?" Jess poked her head around the door.

"Dad's ruined everything. It's all off. We can't have a party, not even just for our own small group. He even threatened to confiscate all the beer. It's impossible to enforce a no-alcohol rule, of course, when Tim and Blake are old enough to buy their own. I hope Dad's smart enough to realize that."

"Was he pretty mad at Blake?" Jess asked.

"Blake? Who cares about Blake? Actually I think James is going to get it worst. I can't say a lot now though. They're waiting for us down in the lobby. Dad's taking us all out for dinner, for family solidarity or something. He wants you to come too," she added to Nora.

"Really?"

"Don't act so surprised, Miss Precious, you're the only one on his good side right now." Megan disappeared into her own room, slamming the door.

Nora looked at Jackie, who had been uncharacteristically quiet so far.

"I'm staying out of this," Jackie said. She had an odd look on her face. "I'm not a Bayfield. Anyway, I have to go out for dinner myself, with my dad and Lee. Lucky me."

That wasn't very enlightening. Not that Jackie usually was enlightening at all. Nora changed into clean khaki trousers and her nicest blouse and sweater, wishing she knew where Uncle Bill was taking them. It couldn't be too formal, though. Douglas was a small town and there were only a handful of decent restaurants.

When she got down to the lobby, she was relieved to see that she wasn't late – or at least, Jess and Megan were predictably taking longer to get dressed than she had. On the other hand, that meant she had to face Uncle Bill with just James and Tim for backup, and Tim was at the moment chatting up the RA on duty. Uncle Bill didn't look too upset, although that didn't mean anything.

"Nora," he said, spotting her on the stairs. He held out his hand and Nora shook it apprehensively. "I hear my kids have been very creatively entertaining themselves for the past few weeks. You weren't interested? Or maybe you had too much homework?"

Nora was absolutely speechless. How did you answer that without sounding like either a hypocrite or a snob? She shot a look at James, who jumped in for her.

"Dad, Nora was the only one who stood by you. You don't have to look embarrassed, Nora. I heard you say you knew Dad wouldn't like it."

She looked down, willing her eyes not to tear up.

"Is that so, Nora?" said Uncle Bill. The trouble with him was, you could never tell whether he was quietly pleased or quietly furious, he said everything in such an even tone.

"Yes," she whispered. "But I don't really care for parties, either, so that made it easier."

Uncle Bill burst out laughing. "Okay, Nora. I'll take that with the best possible interpretation. You don't care for parties, but you also knew I wouldn't like it. I appreciate your honesty."

He paused, but Nora didn't say anything, so he went on, "I talked to a few of your professors today, too – I hope you don't mind. I'm not your parent, but in the capacity of your sponsor, so to speak, I was able to get a few interviews."

"Oh no, that's fine," Nora said, still unable to meet his eyes.

"They said some pretty nice things about you, if you want to hear them."

She managed a smile. "Sure."

"Peter – Dr. Janssen – is especially keen on you. He's an old friend of mine, so maybe he was just trying to flatter me. But he says you're very sharp, have the makings of a good writer, and a lot of insight into human nature. Wishes you'd talk in class a bit more, but when you do talk it's always to the purpose, he said."

At that Nora did have to brush at her eyes a bit. "Wow… um, thanks."

"Hey, I didn't say it. James says you've been looking for a job for Christmas break."

"Yes, I haven't found anything so far," Nora said. "But I'd like to earn enough to maybe pay for my own books next semester."

"You know you don't have to do that. But I like that initiative. I've been thinking I might offer you a job at my company over Christmas. We can see how you do, and maybe I could find something for you next summer too."

"Oh, Uncle Bill, thank you –"

"Just office work, you understand. Nothing glamorous. Okay?"

She nodded.

"We can talk more when I see you at Thanksgiving, and I can run it by your parents as well."

Megan and Jess came down, looking sullen and smug, respectively, under their identical eyeshadow. Uncle Bill turned to call Tim. As they left Nora caught James's eye again, and he winked at her, which nearly made all the embarrassment worth it.


	14. Chapter 14

"Uncle Bill didn't seem too angry last night," Nora ventured to ask James the next morning as they walked back from church. Jackie had taken to going with them most Sundays, and sometimes Jess, but this morning Jess had not appeared, and Jackie had merely growled and buried her head in her pillow when spoken to; so it was just the two of them.

"That just shows you don't know Dad. He was as furious as I've ever seen him when I caught up with him yesterday at the Sticks. He just knows when to show it. And of course he wasn't mad at you."

"It doesn't seem right that he's mad at everyone else but me."

"Why not? Everyone else deserves it but you."

"At least you tried –"

James grimaced and shook his head, cutting her off. "No, please don't even say that. I can see how stupid I was, now. I didn't do any good and I got myself involved in something I should have known better than to touch. It hurts to own up, Nora, but I already said this to my dad, which was worse. So I might as well tell you."

"Oh James, I'm sorry."

"Like I said, don't be. Let's go back to you. I think you should talk to Dad more. He really likes you."

"I don't know what to say to him."

"It doesn't matter. He's just like a professor – he loves it when you show interest. Like last night, when you asked him about the company's charity efforts. He was eating that up – you should have kept going."

"Ugh, James, I sounded like a show-off."

"I'm not saying you should fake it or try and kiss up or something. I'm just saying you don't have to be so quiet. You're one of the family, you know?"

Nora didn't know, actually. Of course she was one of the family, in the sense that they were related, by marriage anyway; but she didn't feel like a Bayfield, even if she was living off Bayfield money and expected to join in the Bayfield employment at Christmas time.

* * *

When they got to the cafeteria for lunch they found a subdued-looking group at a table – everyone was there, including the two Cadwells, Cole, and Jim Blake.

"So you're saying we're not doing anything tonight?" Lee was asking Tim.

"No. Dad made that pretty clear."

"But if he doesn't know – " began Megan.

"He threatened to throw us out," said Tim. "Or worse, inform on us to the college for serving alcohol to minors, if he heard even a rumor about any party at the Sticks. Does that satisfy you?"

"Does that mean we're not allowed to hang out there anymore?"

"Don't be stupid, Megan," said Tim.

"Actually, Dad said he'd give us another chance to show that we respected his wishes," said James, sitting down, "but that he'd give us an occupancy limit if he felt he had to. We all promised to be grown ups about it."

"Which means no more fun," growled Tim.

"What it means, Tim, is that we have to stick to what we knew Dad was asking all along," corrected James.

Tim sighed heavily.

"Well, I'm not letting my costume go to waste," said Megan. "A girl only gets so many chances to wear fishnet stockings. Cole and I are going to cruise the Greek houses tonight if anyone wants to come with us."

Cole looked mildly surprised to hear his own name mentioned, but Nora might have been the only one to notice that. Or perhaps not.

Lee said, "No thanks," with such an odd twist to his smile that she couldn't help but wonder. A shift had taken place, somehow, somewhere, and she didn't see how it had been communicated. But it had.

The shift in relationships lasted past that weekend, too. It extended into November, as the weeks rushed faster and faster toward Thanksgiving and finals and semester's end. Cole and Megan absented themselves from the group more and more, and one day Jessie started sitting with the volleyball team at dinners. Nora couldn't say she was sorry. Lee was still hanging around, but he was a lot more tolerable without Jess and Megan there to squabble over him.

"Halloween changed it all," Jackie mourned one evening to Nora as they sat cozily curled up reading on their beds. "Remember what it was like just a few weeks ago?"

Nora remembered, not with any particular pleasure. A lot of inappropriate behavior and hurt feelings, was what she remembered.

"We were all so alive – there was something to be interested in at any given moment, there were debates. Our lunch table in the cafeteria was so full we had to pull up extra chairs every day! Remember, Nora?" She gave a bounce on her bed, and a huff. "Now look at us! Just you and me and James, and sometimes Lee, all staring at each other and talking about homework. God!"

"I don't know – quiet doesn't really bother me," said Nora.

"I'm not sure if I can ever forgive Mr. Bill Bayfield."

"Well, it is his house."

"Yeah, yeah." Jackie waved that off. "I know. He has a right to make the rules, blah blah blah. I've already heard it all from Mr. James the teacher. I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying, I'm so freaking bored, Nora. I can only focus on the history of the Counter Reformation so long. I can't wait for this semester to be over. Except then I'll have to go home and amuse myself watching Christmas specials while Lee and Dad talk about cigars and picking up women."

"I've liked it here a lot better than I expected I would," Nora offered. She wasn't going to touch that bit about Lee. "It took a while, though – the first few weeks I didn't feel like I'd ever fit in here."

"Yeah, maybe I should try the Socrates Society too."

"I'm sure you'd be welcome to come with us anytime," Nora said after only a slight pause, feeling horrible for hesitating at all. Of course Jackie would be great at Socrates Society, and there was no reason for Nora to feel jealous at the thought.

"I don't really think that's for me. Thanks, though. I do need something to get interested in. Maybe I'll try out for a play next semester."

"You should do that," Nora encouraged, trying to make up for her previous hesitation. "I think they're doing a musical. You sing, right?"

"Yes." Jackie looked brighter. "I guess maybe I just have mid-semester blues. It hasn't been so bad, really. We have friends, we know people, classes aren't going so badly. It's only the first semester of our whole college career, right?"

"That's right," said Nora, thinking about it herself. "A lot can change. We haven't even figured out our majors yet."

"A lot can change," repeated Jackie musingly. "Yeah. Who wants to be Megan Bayfield, after all?"

Nora frowned. She didn't see where Megan came in. Jackie had never been interested in Cole, as far as she knew. She must have meant in a general sense, but even so, Nora couldn't see much to envy Megan about.

"I need to get out and stretch my legs for a few minutes," Jackie said after a few minutes' silence. "I need to clear my head. Do you want to walk around the block with me?"

"Okay," said Nora, surprised, but reaching for her shoes. She put on a coat over her pajamas and followed Jackie out.

"Oh, look at the stars," she cried, as they walked past the lights of Pieper into the dark stretch of sidewalk that ran past the Arboretum. "That really puts it all into perspective, doesn't it? I could just stand and look up for hours, looking at them in wonder."

"I could stand here and wonder that I'm looking at the stars at all," replied Jackie. "Come on. It's too cold to star-gaze."

They walked on briskly, almost to the gate of the arboretum, turning past the Kappa sorority house and one of the upper class women's dorms.

"Are you going to rush?" Jackie asked, as if the sorority house had reminded her about the possibility of going Greek next semester. The sorority rush was held immediately after Christmas break before classes started for the spring semester.

If Nora had had any interest at all in joining a sorority, which she didn't, she wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway. Dues alone were beyond her, let alone pins and formal dresses and everything else that went with it. But she didn't say that. Uncle Bill had given her another excuse.

"No, I think I'm going to be working. I wasn't that interested anyway. Are you?"

"I was going to, but now I don't know. Independence is growing on me," said Jackie. "I don't know that I could stand having to do the kiss-kiss routine with a lot of girls I don't really like."

"I thought you wanted to have more friends to hang out with…?" Nora trailed off, making it a question.

"What made you think I just want girl friends?" Jackie said, and laughed. "I don't get along that well with girls. I used to have some girls I thought I was pretty close to, in high school, but I don't know. I think it was all fake, even then."

"Do you –" began Nora.

"What?"

"If you don't want to rush or anything, I just thought – Well, do you want to room with me again next semester? We haven't talked about it, but we have to turn in room requests next week and –"

Jackie paused for a minute. "Sure, yes – I never thought about it. I guess I assumed we would. If you want to put up with me, that is." She laughed again.

"You're a good roommate, Jackie," Nora reassured her. "I don't get to know new people that easily, so I'd really like to stay with you if you didn't have something else in mind. If you did, that's fine. You don't have to say yes if you don't want to, it's not a big deal or anything –"

"Nora?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up." Jackie squeezed her shoulder and shook her a little, and Nora smiled back.


	15. Interlude - Thanksgiving Break

From: Bayfield, Jessica [jkbayfield@douglas.edu]  
To: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: You're not going to believe this!

Hey Nora,

How's the break going for you? Did you get a lot of homework? I can't believe how the professors pile it on over break! I mean, what do they think we do all break? Sit and write? Have they ever heard of THANKSGIVING DINNER? And/or FAMILY GATHERINGS? We have so many people coming over to our house Thursday I'll be lucky if I can even remember the names of my cousins, let alone analyze word play in Hamlet. GOD, Nora, I'll end up writing gibberish.

Um, so anyway, I have news, and I'm warning you now so you don't like faint or something when you come over on Thursday for dinner. Honestly, I might as well tell you I thought Cole was going to dump Megs after that party deal. I wouldn't be surprised if you thought the same. Yeah, no. Nope! They're still together, and get this. He gave her a PROMISE RING. I am totally 100% serious. I thought my dad would flip out, too, but it seems he knew Cole's dad from business or something, going way back.

Yeah, so I'm warning you now. You have to admire her ring when you come over for dinner. She keeps telling us it's not like they're engaged, but hello? Promise ring? What are you promising, then? Sometimes I wonder about my sister, Nora.

Um, mom says to say hi to your parents.

See you Thursday,

Jess

* * *

From: Bayfield, Megan [mbayfield@douglas.edu]  
To: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: BIG favor

Hi Nora,

I have a HUGE favor to ask you! I have an English paper for Townsend due MONDAY after we get back. (Seriously – Daddy thinks it's funny! I can't believe him.) Will you read it over for me and make suggestions like you always do? I asked Dad to read it for me and he wouldn't, so you are my last hope. If you do it right away, you could print it out and give it back to me when you come over on Thursday, so I'm attaching it.

THANKS!!!!!

Megan

PS I have some news for you! I'll tell you on Thursday!!

[attachment: Townsend_stupidcrappypaper.doc]

* * *

From: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
To: Bayfield, Jessica [jkbayfield@douglas.edu]  
Subject: RE: You're not going to believe this!

Jess,

Thanks for writing! I can't believe your news! Or that your dad is okay with it – I mean, I'm sure he has good reasons and everything, I'm not saying he's wrong. I just would have guessed differently. Oh and thanks for warning me – you're right, I probably would have passed out or something. Or laughed at her, and that would probably be worse.

I guess if Megan knows what she really wants, that's good. We're really young to be thinking about marriage and stuff, but people used to get married when they were younger than we are.

Megan emailed right after you did, and said she has news, so I think she wants to surprise me. I'll act really shocked, but in a good way. I won't give you away. :-)

I got a lot of homework too. I guess I'm just glad I don't have a paper for Janssen until after we get back.

I'll see you tomorrow! My mom says to tell Aunt Elle she doesn't know if she's going to get the sweet potatoes done. Tell her we're really sorry about that, too.

Thanks again for emailing me!

Nora

* * *

From: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
To: Bayfield, Megan [mbayfield@douglas.edu]  
Subject: RE: BIG favor

Megan,

I'll bring your paper tomorrow. I'm really curious about your news, too!

Nora

* * *

From: Bill Bayfield [bill@bayfield-consulting.com]  
To: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: Working for me over Christmas break

Hello Nora,

I wanted to let you know that, as per our discussion, I'll be giving your parents a call to discuss the employment opportunity with my company.

Also, I should reiterate that this is not a glamorous job by any means. I'm offering you what amounts to an office assistant spot. It may involve a lot of boring work, filing, making phone calls, etc. However, working for Bayfield Consulting will be a great experience for you and something to put on your resume. I think you're smart enough to appreciate that. If Peter Janssen approves of you, it must be true.

I'm suggesting to your parents that you come up the week after Christmas. You can spend New Years' with our family and start work immediately Jan. 4. Your father should be able to give you a ride; if not, I'll have someone pick you up. But I'll discuss all this over the phone – you don't need to worry about it.

Please let me know if you have any more questions about the job. Thank you again for your willingness to work. Your Aunt Elle is looking forward to having you in the house, as well.

Yours,

Uncle Bill


	16. Chapter 16

Two more weeks of classes, and then finals, and the semester would be over.

Nora was just happy to have the roommate question settled for good. She'd been really worried that Jackie would want to switch and then she'd have to get used to someone new, who might very well have unpleasant roommate characteristics like leaving the light on or locking her out.

They'd pre-registered for next semester's classes, too; and despite being burdened with a name beginning in W, which meant she had to go nearly last, Nora had managed to line up a fairly decent selection. No Dr. Weston, but she hadn't really expected that. Mostly they were standard requirements, the second semester continuations of Literature and History, and another science, alas.

However, that was another thing off her mind, and despite the rather chaotic vacation week, she felt pretty confident about preparing for finals.

"What do you think about Cole and Megan?" Nora ventured to ask James, on the way to the Socrates Society meeting Tuesday.

James sighed. "I don't know what to think, honestly, Nora. It seems a little sudden to me, but what do I know? I haven't been around them for the last few weeks."

"They've only known each other for a few months," Nora pointed out.

"I know, and I don't think this semester has been the best environment for getting to know each other, although maybe they've been tested and they know what they want now."

Nora thought he was giving them a little too much benefit of the doubt. It wasn't that she wanted to be judgmental, but you could go too far with the sympathy.

"You don't think, after all that Halloween party business with Lee –"

"Oh, I'm not going to judge anything by the Halloween party. I think I'd rather believe we were all temporarily insane. No one was doing the right thing, except you of course. You can't make that the basis for deciding on anything, it was too far off course."

"Lee and Megan seemed awfully close during all that planning, though," Nora tried again.

"Maybe. I thought Lee was more interested in Jess. Either way, Megan and Cole seem to have pulled together through whatever happened. I will give her this, she really stuck to her guns over this ring business. Dad had a serious talk with her over break. I don't know what he said, of course, but they were talking in his study for hours. I know he thought she was too young for that kind of commitment. But she must have changed his mind, somehow, because he let her keep the ring, although they're not calling it an engagement ring. We all know what it means, though."

"So they're really going to get married?"

"I guess that's Cole's plan. It would be years in the future, of course."

Tonight's meeting was on ethics in technology. Nora had thought the topic would be interesting to James, but everyone seemed a little lethargic. There was too much agreement, and no one was inclined to say anything too provoking. Despite several attempts by Alex to get a serious debate burning, the meeting fizzled out in jokes and laughter.

"I can't wait for Christmas, so I can actually do some pleasure reading," said Beth to Nora as the group broke up. "I promised myself a reread of _Sense and Sensibility_ as a reward, if I make it through finals."

"I don't even know if I'll be able to read for pleasure anymore," Nora groaned. "I feel like I could sleep for a week already, and it's still two weeks till finals."

"I was wondering," Beth said. "Would you consider rooming with me next semester, Nora? My current roommate is transferring out and I've been wanting to get to know you a little better as a friend. I'm in Gordon right now."

Nora could hardly believe it – this would have to happen right after she'd settled with Jackie. "Oh, Beth –" she said, "I'm flattered and I'd really love to, but I kind of already committed to stay with my own roommate for at least one more semester. I'm really sorry. Oh, I wish I could say yes!"

"Hey, that's all right. I knew it was a long shot, especially switching mid-year."

"I'm really sorry," Nora said again, trying not to cry.

Beth touched her arm, just a light, almost a shy brush. "Don't get upset, now. I'm sorry too, but honestly it's not the end of the world. I'd still like to get to know you better, okay?"

"Sure," Nora said, and then added to make it clear, "I'd like that too."

"I might get some girls together for a movie night during finals – it's kind of a tradition we have. You can come if you want – yeah? I'll email you and let you know when."

It was too bad, Nora thought later, that the pleasure of such an offer was almost outweighed by her regret at not being able to room with Beth. She was still wishing she hadn't had to say no – it was so seldom that people asked her to do things for them, and now she'd had two in a row wanting to be her roommate.

* * *

Finals were not nearly as horrible as Nora had expected. There was no denying that exams were difficult, but she had a lot of time to study with no classes. And there was a sort of irresistible charming craziness to finals week that made her feel like anything could happen, and it would probably be amusing when it did. The cafeteria had late-night treats every day of finals. People formed study groups in empty classrooms and any available nook in the library, and when they needed a break there were silly cartoons playing in the student union and impromptu games of Uno in the snack bar. Nora finished her religion exam for Dr. Weston on Monday afternoon and rewarded herself by going down to the second basement level of the library where they kept a small section of children's books, and indulging in several chapters of _Anne of Green Gables_.

And then on Tuesday of finals week it snowed. It started in the morning and by nine o'clock that night there were nearly six inches on the ground.

"There's a snowball fight going on up on the quad," said Jessie, crashing into Nora and Jackie's room, her hair encrusted with ice pellets and her nose red with cold.

"Ew, you're melting on our carpet," complained Jackie.

"C'mon, you have to come outside! It's gorgeous."

"I've got Janssen tomorrow," objected Nora.

"I'm not going out there," said Jackie. "I just did laundry."

"Please," begged Jess. "It's guys against girls. You have to help. Don't let us down."

"Go find Blake and roll in the snow or something," said Jackie.

It may have been this remark that made up Nora's mind. "I'll go," she said. "Just let me get my coat on." She put on coat and scarf and hat and mittens, thankful that her mom had insisted on finding her old winter things while she was home. They were rather dingy-looking, but it would be dark outside so that didn't matter too much.

It was dark, but there was a half moon and the snow reflected everything. Jess had been right, it was beautiful. There were Currier-and-Ives-like snow caps on every bush and tree, and even the tracks of footsteps through the drifts looked romantic outlined in deep indigo shadows.

Jess bent down right away and started scooping up snow. "You'd better arm yourself, Nora – I'm telling you this snowball fight is serious."

Nora laughed, almost nervous, and made herself some snowballs. She put two in her coat pockets – it was so frigid that even her body heat wasn't likely to melt them. Her nose hurt from breathing, it was so cold. She and Jess sneaked up the hill to the quad by a roundabout path, skirting the library and climbing the back stairs by the little back door to the library archives.

A group of guys ran past as they crouched behind a brick wall, and Jess attacked. She had a ferocious throwing arm, and she shrieked as she threw, for added effect. Nora joined in gamely. She couldn't throw at all, but there were so many dark figures darting around on the white-covered quad that she couldn't help but hit at least a few of them.

She and Jess had made their way across to a bench on the side facing the library, which they were using as a fortress, when Nora was hit from behind by an enormous snowball.

She yelped, as it had really hurt hitting her in the back of the head, and someone said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you that hard – are you okay?"

It was James, of course. No one else would have been that apologetic.

"I'm fine, you just startled me," said Nora, trying to brush the ice off her head. It was trickling down the back of her collar.

"Here." James grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled off his glove, sticking it under his arm. She felt his fingers comb through her hair, brushing off the ice. "I really got you, didn't I? Sorry about that."

"No, it's okay –"

"This is great, huh? What a beautiful night."

"I know," she said. "I can't even think about the fact that I have an exam for Janssen tomorrow. I'd like to just lie on my back and look at the stars."

"I just got the snow off you, and now you want to lie in it," James laughed.

"Well that's different. You know, like snow angels. I haven't made a snow angel in ages."

"Let's go make some," said James, and grabbed her hand. He'd put his glove back on, and Nora's mittens were thick, but her heart still stopped for a minute at the contact.

"I don't know if I should – aren't you the enemy?" she tried to say lightly. But as she spoke James turned his head. A figure ran past them, shrieking, a bright red scarf whipping behind her. Nora didn't have to see her face – it was Jackie. She was supposed to be back at Pieper. How had she known? Did she have a sixth sense for divining James's presence?

"I'll be back in a minute," said James, and took off after her.

He wouldn't, Nora knew.

She found Jessie and tugged on her jacket sleeve. "Jess, I'm going back. I can't stay – I really have to get ready for Janssen."

"Spoil sport," said Jess, but only half-heartedly.

Nora stopped on the way back to Pieper to make some snow angels in a smooth bank, but it wasn't particularly satisfying.


	17. Interlude - Christmas Break

From: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]br /> To: Cadwell, Jacqueline [jcadwell@douglas.edu]  
Subject: Merry Christmas!

Jackie,

Hi, I hope you're having a good vacation so far. Are you watching Christmas specials, like you expected? Maybe you'll get to see some old friends or something. Well, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Merry Christmas!

Nora

* * *

From Bayfield, James [jmbayfield@douglas.edu]  
To: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: Details for tomorrow

Hi Nora,

I'll be at your house tomorrow by noon to pick you up. Looking forward to seeing you. Have you heard from Jackie at all? Never mind, we'll talk tomorrow.

James

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline [jcadwell@douglas.edu]  
To: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: RE: Merry Christmas!

God, Nora, I think if I see "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" one more time, I'll scream. Going out tonight with Laurie, tho. I knew her from high school. Can't stand her, but she knows someone who can get us in. Lee might go too. I can't wait to get back to school. Home sucks.

Thanks for writing, tho.

J

PS Tell James I say hi.

* * *

From: Ruthie [roo-girl@hotmail.com]  
To: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: How's work?

Hiiiiii sis!!!!

So do you like work? Is Uncle Bill a good boss?

We miss you. I don't mind having my room to myself to practice in though. I HAVE to keep first chair clarinet next year!!! We go back to school next week. It stinks!!! I wish we got as much time off as you!!!!!

LOVE,

Ruthie *KISS*

* * *

From: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
To: Cadwell, Jacqueline [cadwell@douglas.edu]br /> Subject: RE: Merry Christmas!

Jackie,

Did you have fun on your night out? I'm sorry it's been so boring for you so far. This may be a really stupid suggestion, but maybe you should get a job. It's good to have experience and it does make the time go faster. I'm not doing anything too exciting, but I'm really grateful to have it. I'd probably be bored at home too.

Do you want to get anything else for our room? I was going to get another shelf for storage maybe.

Nora

* * *

From: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
To: Ruthie [roo-girl@hotmail.com]  
Subject: RE: How's work?

Ruthie! Hi!

Work is fine. It's not terribly exciting or anything, but it's not like I'd get another opportunity for office experience. I mostly help file papers or call Uncle Bill's clients to set up meetings and things. I don't actually like making phone calls, but I guess it's not so bad if you get used to it. I work with Uncle Bill's secretary so I don't really see him a lot. He's nice when he's in the office, though.

At home I help Aunt Elle too. Yesterday we sorted through all her photos. She wants to make a scrapbook, although I don't know if she'll ever get around to it.

I wish I'd brought more books. Uncle Bill has a ton of books in his study at home, but he certainly doesn't have any Lucy Maud Montgomery. :-P

So you see, it's not so great having a long vacation after all. I'm looking forward to going back to school. I tell you what, Ruth, just get through high school. College isn't so bad. And you'll have it easier than I do, because you have talent. I'm so proud of you getting first chair already!

Love,

Nora

* * *

From: Chris Worth [woodshop-worth@yahoo.com]  
To: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: Siblings weekend

Hey short stuff,

Whats up? I wanted to ask you about that sibling weekend thing at your college you mentioned. Id like to come up if you still want me to. I may not ever go to college so it would be kinda cool to see what its like, ya know? I might be buying a used car anyway, so I dont have to ask dad to take me. So tell me when it is and all the details, ok?

Chris

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline [jcadwell@douglas.edu]  
To: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: RE: Merry Christmas!

Ugh. I hate vacation, it sucks so bad. May have to take your advice for summer. Not sure I could stand three months of this!

So did James say anything about my email? I haven't heard back from him yet. I probably made him mad. Still don't get why he can't do something interesting with his life – it's not like he doesn't have ability. He's so smart. So stupid. ARGH.

No ideas on our room. Maybe a mini fridge, but we can always mooch off Jess and Megan's so that's kind of pointless.

J

* * *

From: Worth, Nora [worth@douglas.edu]  
To: Chris Worth [woodshop-worth@yahoo.com]  
Subject: RE: Siblings weekend

Chris,

I'm so happy you want to come for Siblings Weekend! We'll have so much fun! Oh, I'm so excited! There's even a dance that weekend. I know, it'll probably be stupid, but maybe not quite as stupid as high school dances.

I didn't know you were going to get a car! Do you have one picked out? Did you get a job for next semester or something? You have to tell me everything!

Oh, I haven't even told you the details yet! It's the third weekend in February. You can stay at the Sticks. That's James and Tim's house. I already asked James about it and he said it would be fine. Um... I can't think of anything else you need to know. You could probably come Friday after classes.

I can't wait!

Love,  
Nora


	18. Chapter 18

On a Sunday afternoon in January, James drove Nora back to campus. Jessie and Megan had gone back early for sorority rush, and Tim was of course driving himself.

Nora had been almost nervous at the idea of four hours alone in the car with James, which was silly. She ought to relish the chance to have a little conversation with a friend, and James was just about her closest friend. She should be grateful.

James didn't seem to be bothered by any uneasiness about being alone with her.

"What classes do you have coming up? Any with Weston?" he asked.

"No, there was only one I could have taken, and it was filled by the time I got to register. You're lucky, with a name beginning with B you always get to go first. I've always been last."

"Don't worry about it. You've still got plenty of time. And next semester they'll reverse the alphabet order, so you'll be just about at the front of the line. You might as well get required classes out of the way, anyway. Did you talk to your advisor?"

"Yes, Dr. Harris. She's not that helpful – she just signs my card, she doesn't tell me much. I mean, I know she's probably really busy and all, and there's not a lot to decide yet. I've just got all the regular second semester stuff, Lit, history, science, and I'm taking Spanish now too."

"Who do you have? Did you stick with the same professors?"

"Yes, even Dr. Janssen."

"Wow, brave."

"I know, but Uncle Bill says he likes me, and I don't know – I kind of got used to his style, I guess. It's like Weston. You just have to realize he's challenging you."

"I guess you've got a handle on it. I don't know anyone else who's ever gotten an A from him."

Nora smiled with pleasure. "A minus," she corrected. James could always be counted on for a satisfactory reaction to anything. He always acted so interested, though he couldn't possibly be, not in her boring freshman classes. And he never stinted with praise.

"He didn't give you that grade because he likes you, or because he's friends with Dad, either," James continued. "There are plenty of other people with connections, but Janssen just doesn't give As to freshmen, not even A minuses. Even Dad was surprised, so you should be really proud."

Nora smiled again. "I better have earned it, because I worked harder for it than any other class. I was thinking about maybe majoring in English. I know it's sort of a useless major –"

"Hey, you're talking to the wrong person about useless majors, remember? History and religion? English is a lot more useful than that. Do you think you'd like to go on to graduate school?"

"Maybe – that still seems a long way off. I was thinking about minoring or maybe double-majoring in religion too. Literature and religion just seem to go together for me. It was that very first discussion at Socrates Society that got me started thinking about that combination, and I can't get it out of my head –"

"Nora! That's brilliant! You should talk to some of the professors about doing an interdisciplinary project or something, using both. I don't know why I never thought about that before, but it's perfect for you."

"Do you really think so?" she asked, blinking to dissipate the tears conjured by his enthusiasm. "I don't know how I'd ever get a job, writing about religion, or reading books about religion, or –"

"Maybe worshiping books?" suggested James.

Nora started laughing. "That doesn't sound so bad. If only someone would pay me to do it."

"Just start your own religion. All you need is a website, then you sit back and wait for the money to pour in."

"Oh, really?"

"That's what I've heard, anyway."

It was stupid, but she couldn't stop giggling. James looked over and grinned at her. As he turned back to the road Nora studied his profile for a minute: straight nose, a little long; strong chin, nicely cut mouth with turned-in corners. And his eyes, grey and clear, which for some reason always made her want to cry just because they were so beautiful. She wished again, for the thousandth time at least, that she could be like Jackie. Not that she really wanted to be Jackie herself, with a philandering dad and a brother nearly as bad. But if she could have a fraction of Jackie's wit and charm and prettiness – or if she could have Jessie's great body, or Megan's gorgeous face. Whatever it was that made a guy notice a girl – she didn't have it.

I was probably doomed from the start, she thought. The shy little cousin, always needing to be rescued. There's no way James would ever have seen me as an equal.


	19. Chapter 19

Pieper was looking almost homey in the dusk as they drove up. The evening after a break when everyone was arriving back, the dorm had an especially lively atmosphere. People were dragging in suitcases and then dropping them to greet each other, and there were whole hoards lounging around in the lobby playing cards and watching cartoons, trying to prolong the feeling of vacation.

Nora shook off the pensive mood that had kept her silent for the last few miles. It was good to be back, after all.

When she and James hauled her duffle bag and various crates of indispensable items up to her room, Jackie was already there, and the door was open in Megan and Jessie's room too. Jackie was shouting across to them over the sound of their music, which they had turned up to blasting level.

Since visiting hours were still on, James came in to say hi to his sisters – or to say hi to Jackie, as Nora suspected. He didn't stay long, though, since he still had to go back and unpack himself.

"So we're all here, back again in this hole," Megan groaned from her room after he'd gone.

"Hole? Don't you mean 'Cole'?" said Jess snidely, and swung out into the hall before Megan had a chance to retort. She winked at Nora and Jackie as she passed their door.

"Where's she going?" Jackie wondered.

Megan came around the door next. "She's all wound up because she's expecting someone. So immature. I don't know why it somehow makes her feel special to make comments about my relationship, but it does."

"Oh, is _he_ coming over here?" Jackie asked, smirking.

"Apparently, although I don't see why it's such a big deal. They were emailing all break."

Nora wondered why she never seemed to find out about things the same way other people did. Were there secret signals she was missing or something? She waited, hoping someone would give her a clue before she had to break down and ask, and look like an idiot.

"I really didn't think she was that into him, last semester" Jackie commented. But before Nora could figure out who on earth had been around last semester that Jess could have been said to be into or not into, Jackie changed the subject.

"So how about rush? You haven't said how it went, yet."

"Now you want to know. I still can't believe you didn't rush, Jackie. And you're a legacy!"

Nora must have been looking lost despite all her best efforts, because Jackie paused to explain for her.

"My mom was a Kappa, Megan means. So I would have gotten an offer from the Kappas without a doubt. Not that it's anyone's business."

"Well, sorry, but I think it's a shame not to honor the legacy."

"Oh God, Megan, that's exactly why! If I do anything it will be for me, not my mom. I take it you're going Kappa?"

Megan looked torn. For a minute Nora thought she was going to huff off to her room in offended dignity, but she couldn't resist an opportunity to talk about herself. "Yes, I am – well, actually we don't get official bids until tonight. But I liked Kappa the best and I'd be really shocked if they didn't give me a bid. Phi As will probably offer too."

"Only two?" said Jackie with apparently sincere concern.

"You can only accept invitations from two for the dinners," replied Megan seriously.

There was a squeal from the hallway, and they all looked around. Jim Blake was out in the hallway with Jess, giving her something between a hug and a flirty tussle. Oh, so that's what had Jess in a flurry. Not that Nora would have picked Blake as a better alternative to Lee Cadwell, but – at least he wasn't cheating on her, she supposed.

"Oh, for pity's sake," remarked Megan. "PDA much?"

"I'm going out," said Jessie, having partially extricated herself. Blake still had an arm around her.

"Jess!" Megan exclaimed. "Bids are tonight! You can't leave!"

Jess rolled her eyes. "I already know it's Lambda Zs, and they already know I'll say yes. It's not like the entire volleyball team aren't already sisters. It's not a big deal, and you already know exactly who's offering for you too, even if you pretend you don't."

"Well, of course I know who's offering me a bid. I'm not stupid. But I think it shows respect not to take off on your own on bid night."

"Have fun with that!" yelled Jess down the hallway as she left. Nora wasn't actually sure how she could walk, the way she was half entwined around Blake.

"So did that – I mean Jess and Blake – did they just get together over break then?" she asked Megan carefully, trying not to look like she had no idea what was going on.

Megan unbent a little. She always liked being the one with knowledge. "Kind of. Of course, you know Blake's had a thing for her ever since Halloween – before that, actually. I'm sure even you noticed; it was pretty obvious. But Jess wasn't really interested, not until after Thanksgiving. Personally I think she's jealous that I found someone and she didn't."

She didn't look at Jackie as she spoke, and Jackie seemed to be absorbed in checking her email. But after Megan had gone back to her room to await the call of the Kappas, Jackie turned around.

"That's all crap," she burst out. "It probably makes Meggie happy to think people are jealous of her ring, but that's not why Jess is going out with Blake. She just wanted to show Megan she didn't care. You know they're both still in love with my brother, but neither one will admit it . Stupid girls. Honestly, that's exactly why I can't stand to join a sorority. I think I'd want to shoot myself before a week was out."

Nora nodded, but privately she suspected that Megan and Jackie were equally biased. At any rate, it was likely to be in everyone's best interest that they wouldn't be seeing as much of the twins this semester.

* * *

"Hey Nora," said Lee Cadwell, slipping into the seat beside her at lunch, the first day of classes. "How's the morning gone for you?"

That being more words together than Lee had ever directed toward her before, Nora stammered as she replied.

"Um, well – fine – busy actually. Last semester I only had one morning class. This time I've got three."

"English, history, and –?" he guessed.

"Literature you got right, but the other two are science and Spanish."

"Oh, who do you have for Spanish? That was my other language, before I switched to French."

"Wilson – she seems nice, and I didn't guess because of her name, but she's a native speaker apparently."

"Oh, fantastic!" exclaimed Lee. "She's not only a native speaker, but she's good at teaching. She might be my favorite language professor – don't tell any of the French profs I said that."

Why on earth she would ever say anything to a French professor on the subject of Lee Cadwell, Nora didn't know. Neither could she figure out what he was up to, unless it was that he was feeling a lack of girls to flirt with, since Megan and Jess had both deserted their table.

"How are your Thursday afternoons looking?" was his next question.

"Um, I don't have anything on Thursday afternoons, if that's what you mean."

He laughed. "Spit it out, Lee – that's what you're thinking, isn't it? Okay, I have a proposition for you."

He paused, but since Nora didn't have anything appropriately coquettish to say, she waited for him to go on.

"I'm taking ballroom dance class on Thursdays at three," he said. "Have to get those phys ed requirements in somehow, you know. But I don't have a partner yet, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to take it with me. It's full, but I can get one more person in, since I have to have someone to dance with. If you want to, you can tell the registrar you have a partner and they'll sign you in."

Nora knew about the phys ed class requirements too, of course, and if given a choice, ballroom dance was exactly what she would have taken for her PE credit. It was a popular class, too – not easy to get in for a freshman whose name began with W. Lee was really offering her a good opportunity.

Except, of course, for the fact that in her fantasies she'd been learning to dance with James.

Still, that was unlikely ever to happen. Maybe she should just go ahead and take it with Lee. He'd probably be a good dancer, at least. Not like trying to dance with Cole. And she wouldn't want to take the class with a stranger either. If Lee wasn't her first choice of dance partners, he would be better than some.

She had hesitated so long that Lee was taking her silence as disapproval.

"If you don't want to take it, that's no big deal," he said. "I can probably find someone. I just thought it would be nice to take the class with someone I know."

"No, I'd really like to take it, actually," she broke in hastily. "Sorry, I was just going over my schedule in my head to make sure I wouldn't be too busy."

"You will?" Lee lit up like she'd granted his dearest wish in the whole world.

"I've been wanting to take ballroom," she admitted, feeling a little better in spite of herself. She didn't think Lee was being sincere, but he was flattering all the same. "Thanks for asking me – I certainly wasn't expecting to get to take it for years yet."

"We're going to have a blast, Nora!" said Lee, and he reached over and squeezed her shoulder.

Oh well, she might as well get used to that too, if they were going to be ballroom dancing together.

* * *

The next evening, as Nora was getting ready to meet James for Socrates Society, Jackie put down her book and said, "I'm going to come with you."

"Tonight's the Socrates Society meeting – that's what I'm going to," said Nora.

"Yes, dummy, I know. I want to come with you. James said tonight's topic has something to do with music."

It did – it was whether music has inherent moral qualities, a subject on which Nora knew herself to be ignorant. But she had not minded that until now; she had expected to sit quietly and listen to the others. Beth liked classical music with the same passion she had for Jane Austen, so it was likely to be interesting. But now – she could see Jackie talking about music and her harp, and James listening enraptured. And Jackie impressing everyone else at the Society. Beth being won over and ignoring Nora, Alex inviting her to present at a follow-up meeting.

"What made you decide to come all of a sudden?" she asked Jackie when she could trust herself to speak. "I thought you weren't interested. That's why I was so confused when you asked."

Jackie tossed her hair back with her hands. "I'm really not that interested, to be honest. I know you don't care if I come or not. But I think I'm going to have to start paying attention to James's hobbies, since he won't compromise and come over to my side."

They went down to the lobby, where James was already waiting, and Nora saw with no surprise that his face glowed when he caught sight of Jackie.

"You decided to come along!" he cried.

"Here I am," said Jackie, giving him that wide-eyed blink. "I thought, if I'm ever going to try it, the music night would be the best time."

"Absolutely! This is going to be great – you're going to be able to add so much," James crowed. "Beth's going to love it, isn't she, Nora?"

"Beth likes having an ally," Nora agreed, falling in behind them.

In the end it was not quite as bad as Nora feared, but it was bad enough. Beth didn't ignore her, and Alex didn't ask Jackie to lead the next meeting. But they stopped just short of that. Jackie was at her best; she was bright and quick and she matched Alex with all Beth's usual snap and more. And the worst part was, Nora didn't think she was faking it. She really was that intelligent and witty and full of spirit; and she was getting into the discussion without even meaning to. She hummed bars of music to illustrate her points, and her hands flew into the air as if searching for phantom harp strings.

"You'll come again, won't you, Jackie?" James asked as they walked back in the dark. The snow from before Christmas had gone grey and icy, and the cold had stayed. Nora wished she had worn her hat, even if it did mess up her hair – what did it matter anyway? No one cared, and her ears were cold.

Jackie skipped. "I think I might. I get the attraction now, you know? I thought it was going to be a lot more stodgy."

"That's the stupid name – I keep saying we should change it. It sounds so boring."

"I don't know if I'd be that good at the literature themed meetings. That's more Nora's thing."

"It doesn't matter," James protested. "Most of us don't know much about music either. You certainly showed me how little I know."

"This is really making me miss my harp," said Jackie. "Maybe I'll do orchestra this semester after all. I need to do something with myself – it's going to be so quiet with Megan and Jess never around."

"I hope you do play," Nora said. "I've never heard you after all this time."

"Harps are inconvenient," said Jackie. "You can't haul them around and play for people like you can with a guitar. But you could come over to the music building and listen to me practice sometime."

"When do you practice?" James asked.

She laughed. "Oh, never, so far anyway. But maybe I'll start going over there after dinner."

"Tell me if you do," he said.

"I will," said Jackie, with a definite emphasis.


	20. Chapter 20

Lee had arranged to meet her at his dorm on Thursday afternoon for the ballroom dance class – it was held at the sports complex and his dorm was on the way for Nora. She was unreasonably nervous walking up to the door – it was really no different from going over to the Sticks, but she had never been in one of the men's dorms by herself before. If Lee wasn't waiting for her in the lobby she didn't know what she'd do – maybe just leave and pretend she'd misunderstood his instructions. But he was there, thank goodness.

"Hey, Nora, cómo vas? Hace frío, no?"

"Sí, mucho, I mean muy frío," she said, panicking in that stupid way that always happens when someone tries to speak a language you don't know very well, and everything you did know instantly disappears.

"You didn't tell me which Spanish class you're in. Is it 101?" asked Lee, which made her feel worse.

"No, 102 – I tested out of the first semester," she said, feeling herself blush. "I do know how to say "very cold," I just can't speak that well yet."

"Good for you! And I know how it is – I kind of sprung it on you. How are you? You didn't answer that one."

Nora had recovered a little, and was able to say "Así así," with a tolerable accent. "Estoy alegre porque vamos a clase. Me gusta bailar," she added for good measure.

"A mí tambien," said Lee. "I'm looking forward to it. I love dancing but I don't know how to do it properly. Half the guys in France could make me look really silly."

"What are you going to do with your international studies major?" Nora said, to avoid a silence. And she was really curious. She didn't know much about Lee, other than that he was a jerk about women. "Are you going to be a translator, or teach, or something?"

"Teach! No, I'll leave that to the Jameses of the world. I'd like to get into either translation, or international politics of some sort. If I could get a post at an embassy or something, I'd have it made. That's why I wanted to study as many languages as possible."

"Do you speak any besides French and Spanish?"

"A little German, but not much; and some Portuguese I picked up when my dad hired some Brazilian carpenters on one of his jobs," he said. "I wish we had more language options here. Not that I regret going to Douglas, but it does have its limitations."

They were almost to the sports complex.

"Let me know if you ever need help with Spanish," Lee offered. "I still remember enough, though my French is better after living there, of course."

"Thanks," Nora said, with no intention of ever asking him for anything if she could avoid it. "Do you know where we're going?"

"I think the dance studio is in the upstairs somewhere. Oh, maybe we can follow them –" he pointed at another couple walking in the door. "Do they look like ballroom types to you?"

Nora gave him an involuntary half-smile. "Not really, but do we look like ballroom types either?"

Mrs. Benton, who taught the dancing classes, thought dancing was more important than anything in the world, and she hated students who gave the impression that they did not agree with this priority. But Lee was going to be a favorite of hers, clearly. He paid close attention to her instructions and when she came around to check each couple's stance he got an approving "Very nice, Mr. Cadwell. Hand on her wing, exactly like that."

Lee made a face at Nora when she had gone on to the next pair. "You didn't know you had wings, did you?"

She shook her head, half-laughing at him but suspecting him of trying to flirt all the same. 'Hand on her wing' apparently meant Lee was supposed to grab her by the shoulder blade. Mrs. Benton had been so insistent about it that the actual moment when Lee put his arm around her had passed without any of the embarrassment Nora feared.

Having mastered a simple two-step, Nora felt her spirits began to rise a little. If they had to focus on technique all the time there would be less room for flirting. She was grateful Lee took it seriously, too. Some of the guys in the room had clearly been dragged along by their girlfriends.

"So how was dancing with Lee?" Jackie asked Nora teasingly when they got to the cafeteria for dinner after class.

"It was all right," Nora said, conscious of Lee standing right behind her, close enough that she could feel his body heat. "We didn't learn anything too impressive today, but apparently Lee has perfect technique at standing, anyway."

"Nora, that's horrible," he said.

She felt her face heat up, right from her cheekbones out. "No, that's not how I meant it – I just meant we're going awfully slowly –"

"What an encouraging partner I have," Lee continued. "I have perfect technique at standing still, she thinks."

Nora began to protest again; she knew Lee was teasing her, but she felt uneasy anyway, as if she had said something wrong. But she fell silent when she caught Jackie giving her a very odd look, a knowing look. It made her very uncomfortable. There wasn't anything for Jackie to know – she had no business looking so smug.

* * *

"When is Chris coming up, again?" James asked at dinner.

Nora was happy to change the subject from her and Lee dancing together, which somehow she hadn't been able to shake yet. "Friday afternoon, two weeks from now," she replied. "He gets a half day that Friday and I don't have any afternoon classes either, so it works out perfectly. I hope the weather's good – I want to show him everything, the whole campus."

"Who's Chris?" asked Lee, frowning.

"Nora's brother, who's coming for Siblings' Weekend," Jackie answered for her. "God, Lee, pay attention. Were you dreaming over there?"

"I hadn't heard anything about it yet," Lee protested, and moved just as Jackie gave a stifled yelp. Nora suspected him of kicking her under the table. "Is he in college too, Nora?"

"No, he's a senior in high school."

"Where is he going next year, then? Douglas, I assume. It's a family curse."

Nora shook her head again. "He's not going to college. He's smart, but he doesn't like school. He wants to be a carpenter, or do woodworking. He's trying to find some way to get an apprenticeship, a job with someone who will teach him."

"More people should consider that," James said. "I think a lot of people just go to college because they don't know what else to do. And it's great to have an education, but if you're the kind of person who doesn't learn easily in a classroom, it's also a great way to end up over your head in debt."

"No, there's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to get a job in something like carpentry," agreed Lee. "Some of the guys my dad works with on his projects are amazing at what they do."

Nora felt a little better – she'd gotten so many odd looks from people when they asked about her brother, that she was starting to get defensive about it. She would expect James to be kind, but it was a surprise to have Lee chime in too.

Jackie wasn't finished, though.

"So that's what you're going to tell your students, huh, James? Don't bother going to school because it's pointless and you'll just get into debt?"

"No, of course not. That's not what I'm saying at all. It's just that if you don't know what you want to do with your life, sometimes college won't give you any answers. And if you do know, maybe you should just go ahead and pursue it, even if it doesn't involve college at all."

"Oh, so college is just for people who have it all together. What do you think I should do with it, James? Save the world with music, or something?"

"I wasn't talking about you, Jackie, and I said 'sometimes'." James lowered his voice as she raised hers.

"You're so full of it, James Bayfield! You've got your plan for your life all laid out, and God help anyone who doesn't fit into that plan!"

Nora was beginning to feel very awkward. She caught Lee's eye and they both stood up with their trays at the same time.

"My sister really likes your cousin, you know," Lee said as they walked out through the student union. "She just doesn't know what to do about it. And he's not making it very easy on her, is he? I don't care if he is your cousin."

"But he likes her, too," Nora said – as much as it hurt to say it out loud and to Lee Cadwell of all people, she was tired of skirting around the point. In a way it was better to get the whole mess out in the open, even if it was Lee. She went on, "I don't understand what the problem is. I wish they'd just stop fighting." And that was true, too – it would be a relief if James and Jackie just started dating officially. Then maybe she could get over the way she felt about him and put it behind her.

"The problem is," said Lee, unexpectedly serious, "that my sister doesn't trust men. She was really close to my mom before she died, and she probably knew a lot of things about my parents' marriage that she would have been better off not knowing. She's so absolute about it."

Wow – that was probably more than Nora should know, either. Of course she would keep it confidential, but Lee didn't know her very well yet. She felt pretty sure that Jackie would be furious if she knew he'd told Nora all this.

But she just said, "I guess that explains a lot." Which it did.

* * *

James found Nora in the library after dinner, where she was looking up some sources for her first Janssen paper of the semester.

"I have to talk to you," he said. "Do you have a few minutes?"

Nora's heart sped up, even though she could guess what he wanted to talk about and it had nothing to do with her. "Sure," she said. "Just let me check out first and maybe we can find somewhere quiet."

As usual whenever you actually wanted to find a place to talk, all of the most obvious locations were overrun. But they finally found an empty classroom in the basement down the hall from the library. Nora dumped her books on the table and sat down. "So what did you want to talk about?" she asked finally, when James had just sat in silence for a minute.

"You know, if you don't want to listen, you can stop me," he said. "I know this is probably awkward for you because she's your roommate, but I really need someone to talk to and you're my closest friend."

Nora looked down at the cover of the nearest book, so he couldn't see her face. She was his closest friend – that was something, wasn't it? "No, go ahead," she said when she realized James was waiting for her to say something. "What are friends for, right?"

"I don't know what to do with Jackie," he began, and then he spoke faster and faster, pouring it out. "I can't say anything to her that she doesn't twist around and misinterpret. I'm pretty sure that she's at least somewhat interested in me, but she won't let me in. Sometimes I can't tell if she's deliberately playing with me or if she's trying to flirt, or if she can't make up her own mind. You know what I'm talking about, Nora – you've seen it. One minute she's inviting me to listen to her practice her harp, and the next minute she's attacking me. Then she wants to know about the next Socrates Society meeting so she can go."

Nora shook her head, trying to look as sympathetic as she could. She didn't think it would be proper to say what Lee had told her, when he probably shouldn't have shared it in the first place. Was there anything else she could say to help? And for that matter, why was she even trying to help James at all? She didn't _want_ him to get together with Jackie – but she couldn't stand to see him in pain, either.

"I can't believe it's just my choice of career that's her problem," James went on. "I know it won't be as easy as some ways of living, but if I were going to be a businessman like dad, that's no walk in the park either – he leaves my mom alone at least half the year when he's gone on trips. I just don't get why she's so against it. It can't be the money – she wouldn't be so mercenary as that."

"No, I don't get it either," said Nora. "But it's not the kind of thing she's used to, you know."

"I know – it's not a typical dream, and maybe I'll give it up after a year. But I have to try, Nora."

"Of course you do," Nora said vehemently. "You can't give up a dream just like that."

"Why is she doing this to me? I've tried to ask her, to dig a little deeper and hash this out, but she avoids it. I've thought about just asking her out – just telling her I'm in love with her and letting her decide if she wants to have anything to do with me or not."

Nora froze. He'd said 'love'. He had said he was in love with Jackie. She didn't know why she didn't start crying, but she just sat there, listening to James talk.

"I don't know if I can do it, though, Nora. Not when she keeps attacking me like she did tonight. It's not worth the pain. Maybe it's a good thing I'll be gone for the next week or so."

"Where are you going?" she asked, with only the slightest shake in her voice. James was too worked up to notice it, anyway.

"Well, I won't really be gone, but I won't see much of you and the group at meals or anything. I'm observing at the high school for an education class I'm taking. It's the prerequisite for student teaching next year."

"Oh, at the high school here in town?"

"No, it's in Mason – about half an hour away. Anyway, it couldn't have come at a better time. I really need to get away from Jackie and the whole situation right now. It's eating me up and I'm not focusing on my classes as much as I should. I can't just go on seeing her every day, in suspense like this."

"James – I wish there were something I could say," Nora said. She had unfrozen, mostly. After all, it wasn't like she didn't know already that James was in love. It was hard to hear him say it, but what did she expect? He'd been interested in Jackie for months now.

"It's okay, Nora, thanks for listening." He came over and put his arm around her shoulders sideways and hugged her a little.

Nora turned her face away and grimaced to keep from crying. She was going to hug him back, but by the time she'd composed herself enough, he was moving away.

"James," she said, desperately. The look on his face was awful, it was so sad.

"If you can't say anything, don't worry, Nora – I wouldn't want you to betray any confidences. You're so good – I couldn't ask for a better friend, for me or for Jackie."


	21. Chapter 21

Someone seemed to have appointed Nora as Confidante of the Week – and it was a position she would rather not have accepted. Friday night, since there wasn't much to do, she and Jackie stayed in and watched a movie on Jackie's little miniature TV-VCR combo.

Megan and Jessie were both at their respective sorority houses for some function, which seemed to occur at least several times a week now. Their dorm room door looked like a feud between Greeks. Megan had a giant letter K with her name on it in glitter taped to the door, and almost overlapping it was a poster board sign for the Lambdas. They both had messages taped up that read "I Love My Little Sis" in various colors.

"If I'd known they get so much swag and crap, I would have joined just for the free water bottles," remarked Jackie. "Oh well. I refuse to do homework on a Friday night, anyway, independent or no independent."

So they checked out a movie from the library. Since Nora let Jackie pick, they had ended up with _Pretty Woman_ – the library didn't have anything very recent. Nora had her doubts about it, but when Jackie found out she'd never seen it she was horrified, and said it was a classic and no one should live without having seen it.

However, halfway into the movie Jackie didn't seem to be enjoying it very much either. "I used to love this movie so much," she said while Julia Roberts was busy taking a bath. "It's so unrealistic, though."

"Aren't most movies?" Nora said, wondering what had put her roommate in such a bad mood.

"Yeah, but this is really bad. They have nothing in common – they're never going to be happy together." She unwrapped another Dove dark chocolate and ate it.

Nora began to get an idea of what was going on. "But neither of them was happy before, either. They weren't suited for the lives they were living. It's not like anything would actually work out so perfectly in real life, but it's not so unbelievable that they fall in love."

"Love, love," scoffed Jackie, and threw a Dove at the screen. But she didn't say anything else until the end of the movie.

As the credits came up, she sat up and looked at Nora. "So what did you think of it?"

"It was sweet," Nora said cautiously. "Maybe not realistic, but I don't think that's so terrible. It's just a movie about two people who are very different, who would never ordinarily meet and get to know each other."

She half-hoped, half-dreaded that Jackie would say something about James. But when she did, it was not what Nora had expected.

"So you talk to James a lot, right? You're best friends or pals or whatever?"

"We're good friends, yes."

"Does he talk about girls to you? Are you that close?"

"I don't know – he's never said anything about girls." Not about girls in general, only about Jackie. She wasn't _quite_ lying.

"Does he ever mention girls in his classes, or anything? There must be someone he's interested in, someone he has a lot in common with. Maybe that girl at your club? Beth?"

Nora almost laughed. "No, you're way off. Beth has this on-again, off-again thing with Alex, the tall thin guy who was debating Debussy with you."

"Are you sure?" said Jackie. She got up and started fiddling with things on her desk, opening drawers and putting things away, then taking them out again. "You don't think she'd go for James in one of her off-again phases?"

"No, absolutely not. I don't think James has ever even thought about her that way."

Jackie sighed and sat down. "Maybe he's gay. That would make things a lot easier in some ways."

"He's not gay, Jackie, and you know it," said Nora, exasperated with the way her roommate kept skirting around the main question; but Jackie had opened her Norton Anthology and pretended not to hear her.

* * *

When Nora got an email the next day about another movie night at Beth's, she felt, like James, that the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Right now an evening watching _Persuasion_ without any bitter commentary from Jackie was exactly what she needed.

"… and you can bring your roommate if you want," Beth had said, but Nora knew at once that she wasn't going to ask Jackie. She felt a little bad about it, but Jackie clearly wasn't in the mood for romance, and she didn't like costume dramas anyway.

Beth had reserved the TV room at her dorm and bought three different kinds of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. She had asked four other girls – Nora had met most of them when they watched _Emma_ during finals. Nora was the only freshman, but no one had seemed to think she was out of place.

"We should have a secret underground offshoot of the Socrates Society," Beth said to Nora as they all curled up on the sofas. "The Austen Society – only forget the debate, we just watch movies with hot men in tall boots."

"If the Socrates Society was like that, I would have joined long ago," said one of the girls on the other side of Beth.

They all snickered, then fell silent as the movie started. Nora had seen it already, of course, but it was different watching with people who appreciated it, instead of having to hush her brothers so she could hear the dialogue.

"How are things going, Nora?" asked Beth when the movie was over, as Nora helped her clear away the remains of the ice cream. "Are you doing okay? You seem kind of quiet this semester."

"I'm all right, I guess," Nora said. And then without warning she was crying, not just wiping a few tears, but sniffling and hiccupping and the whole works.

"Hey –" Beth put her arms around her. "What's the matter? Are you homesick? Christmas too much for you?"

"Nooo –" Between embarrassment and crying, Nora could hardly speak. "It's not that at all, I'm really happy here."

"Sure, you're so happy you lost it when I asked you how you are. Come on, spill it. I said I'd be your friend, remember?"

For a minute Nora was tempted to tell her everything – that she was in love with James, who was in love with her roommate, who was in love with him but not telling him for some stupid reason – but she couldn't make herself do it. Instead she settled on something that was true, and close enough.

"I had a group of friends last semester – well, a group of people I hung out with, you know – and it sort of feels like it's all falling apart. My roommate's upset about something and my cousins went Greek, and – I don't know –"

"I know how that is, and I hate to say it, but it happens. Especially freshman year because you're all still sorting out where you belong. It happened to me too, although I didn't get it until the beginning of sophomore year."

"I'm sorry I'm being so stupid," sniffed Nora, mortified that she was making such a big deal out of nothing.

"Gosh – you should have seen me driving home with my mom for fall break, just bawling my eyes out."

"Really?" said Nora, and then hated herself for sounding so relieved that Beth suffered too.

"Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I don't have a lot of people I feel really close to myself – that's why –" and suddenly Beth looked shy. "That's why I said I wanted to get to know you a little better. I'm just kind of forward that way, I didn't mean it to seem weird."

"Oh no, it didn't seem weird. I'm reserved so it's hard for me –"

"Well, you can always come hang out with me if you need company," said Beth, and wiped her eyes too. Then she looked at Nora and giggled. "What a pair of _girls_ we are, honestly. What would Anne Elliot say about us? That's going to be my new mantra, you know."

"What would Anne Elliot say?"

"Yes, I might get a t-shirt made that says WWAS."

Nora snorted and giggled at the same time. "Perfect – it can also stand for World Wide Austen Society."

"I knew I liked you!" cried Beth, and then made a face. "Ugh, I think I ate too much Ben and Jerry's."

"Gluttony! What would Anne say?" retorted Nora, and they both snickered.

Nora wished she didn't have to go back to Pieper and her gloomy roommate. If only her life would sort out neatly like a Jane Austen novel.


	22. Chapter 22

Jackie's mood hadn't improved in the week James had been gone. She hadn't gone to Socrates Society with Nora on Tuesday, although she had gone to orchestra practice the next day. In fact as far as Nora could tell, Jackie was spending more time practicing than she was studying. But apparently all that harp-playing failed to soothe her mood. Maybe harps were only relaxing if you were listening, not playing.

On Wednesday at lunch, Nora spotted Beth sitting at an empty table on the far side of the cafeteria.

"Do you want to go sit with Beth?" she asked Jackie, who was right behind her.

"If you insist," snapped Jackie.

Beth beamed as they sat down, but Jackie was morose. She gulped her food in silence and got up with her tray before Nora had even finished her yogurt. Beth leaned over and whispered to Nora, "Oh, you really weren't kidding, were you? She is seriously grouchy! WWAS?" This made Nora feel a lot better. She felt slightly guilty for laughing behind Jackie's back, but at least Beth didn't think she was being a whiny freshman.

To ease her conscience, Nora offered to make Jackie hot chocolate when she got back to their room that evening. That didn't work either. Jackie said she hated hot chocolate.

Nora decided to give up, but it wasn't easy to ignore Jackie when she was slamming desk drawers every other minute.

She really hated to admit it, but even going to dance class with Lee was a relief. They were doing the foxtrot, which wasn't easy. Nora had to concentrate hard on the steps, but Lee was a good leader, whatever else you could say about him. Mrs. Benton adored him and was always asking him to demonstrate steps with her.

"Now since we've practiced," Lee said as he drew her back into his arms after a turn, "you'll have to dance with me at the President's Ball in a week. We'll look so impressive. Maybe you can act like you've never seen me before, and we just spontaneously burst into dance like in a musical."

Nora smiled. "I will, but I also have to dance with my brother, Chris, if he wants to. He might not be into dancing much, but I promised him college girls are a lot nicer than high school."

"We'll all make sure he has a good time. Is he quiet, like you?"

"No, Chris is really outgoing. He loves meeting new people. Sometimes people think he's older than I am, because he's mature for his age and I'm just –"

"You're just quiet," said Lee. "There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes quiet people are the best when you really get to know them." And he squeezed her hand.

Nora flushed and tried not to feel flattered. He was so obvious, and she knew he never meant a word. It was a verbal habit, no different from the way Jess said "like" all the time. She couldn't help being glad that she would get to dance at least once at the President's Ball, though.

* * *

Friday night came again and no one had anything to do. Even Megan and Jess were surprisingly unengaged. All the girls went to dinner together for the first time in what seemed like ages, and James, Blake, and Lee met them in the student union.

"Let's go see a movie or something," Lee suggested.

"There's nothing interesting playing here – I checked already," said Jackie.

Nora, who had been thinking of last semester with mixed nostalgia and pain, observed that neither Megan nor Jessie jumped to agree with Lee's proposal as they used to – it was a decided improvement.

"We could drive over to Mason – that's only half an hour away," said James. "There's a big movie theater there. I passed it when I was driving to the high school every morning this week."

"Closer to forty-five minutes," corrected Cole.

James didn't reply, although he was the one who had been driving there for a week.

"I'll call and find out what they're playing," Lee said after a pause.

Having finished dinner, they all turned in their trays and headed out to the student union, where everyone stopped to put on their coats.

Nora, who was behind the group, saw James move over to Jackie.

"Are you coming?"

Jackie shrugged.

"You don't seem yourself, Jackie – are you all right?"

"I'm kind of tired," she said, still in the distant voice she had been using all week.

"Please come," James said in a lower voice. "I've missed you – it won't seem right if you're not with us too."

Jackie looked up at him and blinked. "If you really want me to –"

Nora looked away. As they walked back to the Sticks, she quickened her pace and caught up with Lee. There wasn't much choice, since everyone else was paired up, but James and Jackie were lagging behind, deep an intense conversation, and she couldn't just trail behind them. She didn't want to seem to be listening to them, and when it came right down to it she wasn't sure she wanted to hear what they were saying anyway.

The two of them kept on talking in a corner while Lee called the movie theater; and when asked for their opinion about whether to see _Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon_ , they looked blank.

"Whatever you all want," said Jackie amiably, as if she had never expressed an opinion in her life.

"It doesn't matter – that one sounds fine," said James.

Nora realized Lee was trying to ask her something at the same time – it sounded like he'd repeated himself at least once.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" she said, flushing. "I was kind of zoning out."

"Would you like to ride with me? We'll have to split up again since there's so many – James said he'd drive too."

"Oh." Nora only weighed her options for a minute. There was no doubt that Jackie would go with James. "Yes, sure. Thanks."

"Excellent." Lee grinned and bumped her shoulder with his. "I didn't want to get stuck chauffeuring with no one to talk to."

Nora smiled politely. She wished he'd quit touching her so much, but at the moment she didn't care, as long as he didn't suspect the reason for her distraction.

She couldn't really regret her choice of transportation, not even when she found out Megan and Cole were going to be the other two passengers. It looked bad for a few minutes – Cole said something about "guys up front". How Lee maneuvered his way out of that one, Nora wasn't sure; but eventually after some laughter and Lee managing to call Cole a male chauvinist without offending him, the other two climbed in back with no complaints, and Nora got in the passenger side next to Lee.

Since neither couple had much to say to the other, they naturally began two conversations. Megan and Cole's murmurs in the back were mostly drowned out by the engine noise. Nora settled in her seat and began to feel she could get through half an hour (or even forty-five minutes according to Cole) with very little discomfort – and at least she could try and put James and Jackie out of her mind for a while.

Lee was an easy conversation partner because he did most of the talking himself, and Nora just had to answer his questions.

"So your brother's coming next weekend," he began. "Is he going to any classes?"

"No," Nora replied. "I don't have any Friday afternoon, and he'll have to head back on Sunday."

"If he wants to, he could come to Psychology with me. Just if he's interested in seeing what a class is like. That would be a fairly good one to sit in on."

"I don't know, but thanks for offering – I'll definitely ask him."

"I know he's not planning on going to college, but maybe he'd like to experience a class anyway. So does he have anything set up for next year yet?"

Lee went on asking questions about Chris, and he seemed to be actually listening to her answers, even when she kept them short. It was almost as easy as talking to James, really. Nora was thinking that maybe she had misjudged Lee a little. He might be untrustworthy but maybe there was just a little kindness in him after all, at least when it came to other guys, or hopelessly uninteresting freshmen like herself. She was surprised when they arrived at the movie theater in Mason sooner than seemed possible.

The movie was beautifully colored and the music drew you in. But Nora kept missing parts of the subtitles. It was her own stupid fault. She couldn't prevent herself from looking over to her right at James and Jackie. In the dark it was hard to tell, but it looked like James had his arm around Jackie, or at least lying on the back of her seat.

The end of the movie was tragic – lovers who could never be together. The cello on the soundtrack cried and Nora knew she was going to cry too. Lee was sitting on her other side and if she started sniffling she had a feeling he was going to try the arm-on-the-back of the seat trick too, just to make sure she was okay or something. He would do it on principle, just because he was a flirt and it was in the rules, even if it was just shy Nora on the other end.

She stared hard at the screen and hated the stupid movie with all her might, determined not to cry. It was stupid. There was no excuse for the lovers – at least they knew they loved each other, and they were just being ridiculously noble. They deserved what they got, and they weren't going to make her cry in front of stupid Lee. She despised him too, when he put his arm on her armrest, so she had to shrink in to avoid touching either him or James.

Suddenly she wished she had stayed home. She could have called Beth and maybe they could have watched tape five of the _Pride and Prejudice_ miniseries together.

To make it all worse, when they left the theater there was a shuffle of car passengers.

Jess wanted to go straight back, because she had a volleyball game the next day. Blake, of course, wanted to do whatever Jessie wanted to do. Jackie wanted to go get ice cream. She was practically vibrating with high spirits.

"Please Jess – I'll give you backrubs when you fall and hurt yourself in volleyball because you stayed up too late and you didn't see the ball in time so you dived for it. I promise I will." She made a pathetic face, and Jess half-smiled in spite of herself. But she stuck to her word.

"No. I have a rule, no later than ten-thirty on pre-game nights. I've never broken it and I don't intend to. Sorry, Jackie."

"Oh Jess, think of ice cream, it will make you happy and happy volleyball players are good volleyball players –"

"God!" broke in Megan. "Stop bugging her. You're like a hyper three-year-old tonight, Jackie."

"I know," Jackie agreed. "A hyper three-year-old who wants ice cream."

In the end, James offered to let Blake drive his car back, and Cole and Megan went too, Megan looking more and more irritated as Jackie danced around the parking lot. James was generous with letting people borrow his car, but there was no question in this case – he was doing it to please Jackie.

Nora dithered about trying to get a place in the return car as well. She didn't want to stay and watch Jackie charming James, but half an hour in a car with Megan in a bad mood could be a very long trip home. And Megan would be mad if she had to sit three in the back seat.

Lee was asking Nora about her favorite ice cream places, and when she turned to answer him she lost her chance. The others had already gone. She reminded herself to make the best of it – after all Lee was being very nice and not too intrusive this evening.

Unfortunately, when they got to the ice cream place it was hard to avoid the idea that they were very nearly on a double date. James and Lee paid for the ice cream. Nora made a faint noise of protest, but when Jackie failed to back her up she fell silent, embarrassed. They sat down with their cones and Lee slid easily into the booth beside her.

"How's the ice cream, Nora?" he said solicitously. "I haven't had butter pecan in ages."

Nora tried to thank him lightly, but across the table Jackie was offering James a taste of her ice cream. She was petrified that Lee would expect to share her butter pecan too. That was just too much like a date. Maybe it was a date. Maybe James and Jackie were dating now. It was hard to tell. Jackie was happy, but they weren't holding hands or anything. Nora was miserable. Sitting squashed into the back seat with a disagreeable Megan for half an hour would have been nothing to sitting cozily with Lee in a booth eating ice cream together.


	23. Chapter 23

Of course Jackie wouldn't say anything about James when they finally got back to Pieper around one, full of ice cream and all of them beginning to get silent and tired. Even when they were in their room undressing for bed, Jackie kept saying, "so sleepy," and yawning whenever Nora tried to hint at the subject of James. Nora had to hope that she'd get a chance to talk to James tomorrow. He'd tell her, at least. It was starting to be really bad for her, not knowing what was going on with them. It was starting to be difficult to focus on things she was supposed to be focusing on, like school work.

However, the next morning Jackie woke up unusually early and in an unusually good mood, and before she went to the bathrooms to take her shower, she said, "don't leave without me, Nora! I think I'll go to breakfast today."

Jackie never went to breakfast, and that had been Nora's best hope of catching James alone. Maybe Jackie was hoping to see him too. It looked more and more like they were actually dating, putting circumstantial evidence together. Nora tried to silence the hopeful little voice that said James might do anything for Jackie, and she might want to see him, even if they weren't dating. It was better to start working on resignation, rather than prolonging denial.

Nora was trying to practice a hearty congratulations in her head when Jackie came back from the shower, her dark curls still wet, which made them fall in perfect corkscrews. She had a highly-colored kind of face anyway, but fresh from scrubbing it looked like the face of a Preraphaelite maiden. Life was unfair.

As Nora had expected, James was waiting in the student union outside the cafeteria, but though she averted her eyes as he greeted Jackie, there did not seem to be any hugging or kissing or hand-holding going on. At least, when she looked back they were both turning toward the cafeteria entrance, engaged in no more than a normal conversation.

Jackie was still in high spirits, though – she made fun of everything from the cereal dispensers which always got jammed, to the football players eating six waffles for breakfast. Nora ended up laughing in spite of herself – that was Jackie.

"I'm scheduled to work," James said at last, regretfully.

Jackie made a face. "I guess I should go practice. There's an orchestra concert in two weeks. You're coming, right?"

"Of course," said James in a shocked tone.

"Nora?"

"Sure – I wouldn't miss my roommate's first performance."

As they got up Nora decided her paper still needed some more references which she would have to go look up in the library, coincidentally taking her to the same place as James. Jackie walked with them almost all the way to the library, which was on the way to the music building, after all. But then she stood in the library lobby chatting to James for so long that Nora gave up and went in to find some books that could plausibly be references for a paper on Hamlet.

When she came back upstairs an hour later, after a fortifying stop in the children's stacks to read half of _Jane of Lantern Hill_ , James was stationed at the reference desk and the library was nearly deserted.

"Can I help you find something?" James said, grinning at her.

Nora didn't know how to begin. "You seem happy today," was what she settled on. It sounded pathetic, but there was no help for it.

"Last night was fun – I don't know why we don't all go out more often. Don't you think?"

"Sure." Gathering her nerve, she just asked it, looking down at her books. "So – you and Jackie –? After last night, are you –?"

"Oh. No, we didn't really get that far. Not yet. But I'm feeling a lot better about it. I think we made progress – we had a really positive discussion about family and expectations, and she seemed a lot more understanding of the fact that I might not want to do exactly what my dad does for a living."

"That's great," said Nora with as much feeling as she could manage. "You're still going to ask her out, then?"

"Yeah, when the moment is right. I have to – I have to know one way or another. But I'm going to sound like such a fool; I never know what to say to her. I'm like the exact opposite of her in so many ways. She's so clever –"

"You're smart too, James."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. But thanks."

* * *

Nora had homework for Spanish class that week, and an exam in history, and a ridiculously complicated lab in biology. But as busy as she was, the week still seemed long. She was in suspense waiting for two things – Chris was coming on Friday and she could hardly wait to see him; and she expected every day to find out that James and Jackie were dating.

By Thursday she was such a mess she had real reason to be grateful that Lee was good at dancing.

Mrs. Benton had agreed to teach them the basics of swing in time for the dance on Saturday.

"I know you all want to learn the fast dances because they're 'fun,'" was what she said. "So I'll teach you some swing; but just remember the foxtrot can be equally impressive and far more elegant." Letting people dance swing was a big concession, Mrs. Benton clearly thought. She was doing everyone a favor by indulging their plebeian tastes for a fast beat.

Swing required paying a lot more attention to how the steps fit together than some of the other dances, and Nora's brain had had enough.

"All right," Lee said finally. "You don't worry about turning, don't even think about turning. Just do the step-step-back-step part and I'll worry about the rest."

He did, too. Nora step-stepped out and when Lee snapped his wrist in she flew in to his side. He laughed at her expression. "See? Just relax and I'll take you for the ride of your life." What was really annoying about his arrogance was that he was actually correct. When Nora looked at the couple nearest them, who were arguing about how to do a simple turn, she had to admit that Lee made her look good. Almost unwillingly she began to enjoy it, throwing her head back into the spins.

"Very nice, Mr. Cadwell, Miss Worth," said Mrs. Benton. "Excellent styling." Of course the minute she spoke Nora startled and missed a step. "No, you ignore me, Miss Worth. Don't pay attention to the sidelines – you let him lead. Mr. Cadwell, you look as if you would like to learn a lift."

"That would be awesome!" Lee said, predictably.

Nora burned. She was going to be too heavy for him, and he'd drop her. She just knew it. Mrs. Benton was calling the rest of the class to observe while Lee demonstrated a lift.

"Miss Worth, you will push off to give him a lift, and kick your legs up and to each side. You can brace yourself by holding on to his hands where he grasps your waist."

Nora felt stupid, but it would be stupider to refuse to try. The first time she jumped too hard and nearly came down on her butt.

"That was perfect, Lee, but please work with him, Nora."

Of course Lee was perfect. They tried it again. His hands gripped her hips and swooped her up. This time the rest of the class applauded. Nora came down lightly on her feet, but she still felt awkward. Lee was grinning.

"Then what do you do to transition out of the lift?" he asked Mrs. Benton.

"Anything you like – turn and do a step back would be easiest."

Lee was on a high as they walked up to dinner together. Nora thought perhaps he really liked tossing girls around, but then she shook herself. That was mean, and it really was fun dancing with Lee. She had a better than even chance of actually enjoying herself at the dance on Saturday, for the first time ever.

"We have to teach James and Jackie some of those moves," he was saying. "Not until after we impress them with our skills, of course."

"Of course." Nora imagined Jackie flying into the air in James's arms, her curls springing around her face, laughing down at James over her shoulder.

* * *

When they got to student union, there was a small crowd waiting for them outside the cafeteria: James, Jackie, Jess, Blake, and – someone else. Someone she wasn't expecting to see until tomorrow.

"Chris!" Nora shrieked, running at him. "How did you get here? What are you doing here early?"

He lifted her off the ground as he hugged her. "Hey little sis. You're still such a shortie – when are you going to get your growth spurt?" That was a running joke since he had gotten big enough to pick her up, years ago.

"But you weren't supposed to come until tomorrow!"

"Surprise," he said, laughing. "I'm skipping my class tomorrow. There's no point in staying around home just for that. I thought I might as well come up and check out these college girls you keep promising me."

Nora flushed and hit him in the arm. "Stop – I didn't promise you any such thing. I just said college girls aren't as snobby as high school girls."

"Well, I have to scope them out before the dance, don't I?"

"That's right," said Lee, putting out his hand. "I suppose you've already met everyone else. I'm Lee – I'm your sister's dancing partner, and her roommate's older brother."

"Got it," said Chris, gripping Lee's hand. "Nice to meet you."

There was no more conversation until they sat down for dinner, because Nora had to show Chris how to navigate the various lines in the cafeteria, and remind him to check his silverware for dried-on crusty stuff. Even that seemed like fun with Chris to share it with her, and he snickered in a very satisfactory and Chris-like way as she put back three spoons before finding a clean one.

"You can come to all my classes with me tomorrow," Nora said as they sat down with their trays. "Even Dr. Janssen – he's my favorite. I can't believe you'll get to go to his class."

"I wouldn't get too excited about Janssen, Chris," said Blake. "He's terrible – your sister only likes him because she's a masochist or something."

"No, because he's a good teacher," corrected Nora. Ordinarily she wouldn't have said anything to Blake, but having Chris by her side made it almost seem as if they were all her brothers, and she could say whatever came to her mind.

"Doesn't he teach English, though?" Chris asked. "You can't expect me to like that, no matter how good a teacher he is."

"Oh, Chris," said Nora, but she was pleased he'd remembered about Janssen from her emails.

"So you're interested in carpentry, Nora said?" Lee began, leaning forward across the table.

"Yeah, that's my passion. I love making things," Chris returned. "It's hard to find a job when you're inexperienced, but I'll just keep trying –"

He kept talking, answering Lee's questions about his projects, gesturing with his broad hands. Nora sat back, content to watch him. It was so easy to be proud of Chris, and though she had never been ashamed of his ambitions, or pressured him to try college, she did half-wish that he could attend Douglas with her next year. He would be such a great friend. He already fit in with their group so well.


	24. Chapter 24

It was hard to take classes seriously with Chris sitting next to her doodling and writing her funny notes during the lectures. "Dr. Janssen + his mustache = love" he had written while Nora was trying to take notes on _Madame Bovary_ , making her giggle so much she thought she would choke trying to keep it suppressed.

After classes Nora gave him a tour of campus, through all the buildings and down to the arboretum, and then back up to Pieper. It was still an hour before visiting hours started for the weekend, but Nora thought Mrs. Barnes would let Chris in, since he was family.

She was wrong. "Certainly not," said Mrs. Barnes, affronted. "He may or may not be your brother, but he is a young man, and I won't have my girls harassed. Visiting hours were established for a good reason, and I'm surprised to see you, of all people, questioning them, Miss Worth."

"I didn't mean to question them, I just thought you might make an exception this once –"

"If you think rules can be bent whenever it's convenient for you," snapped Mrs. Barnes, "perhaps it's a good thing you did not apply to be an RA this semester." And with the air of having given a death blow, she retired to her office.

Nora might have felt a little hurt, although she certainly had no desire to be an RA this semester or ever; but Chris made her laugh so much by making fun of Mrs. Barnes's voice, that she couldn't be upset. She made Chris wait in the lobby while she ran up to borrow Jackie's deck of UNO, and they went and sat in the student union until dinner.

Chris was still saying "If you think rules can be bent whenever it's convenient for you" in a Mrs. Barnes voice every time Nora had to draw a card, and Nora was trying to tell him not to be mean, between giggles, when she saw Beth come in.

"Oh, it's Beth! You have to meet her, Chris," she cried, and waved.

Beth was in an off-again phase with Alex. She almost flirted with Chris, while Nora observed, half-amused, half-disgusted.

"You'll dance with me tomorrow, right Chris?"

"Sure, if you want," said Chris, suddenly looking like a high-school boy after all.

"That's a promise! You have to, we're always short on guys who will dance. What are you wearing, Nora?" she asked.

"You mean to the dance?"

"Well, yes, duh."

"I got a new dress at Christmas with some present money."

"Nora! What does it look like?"

Lee and James had joined them, so Nora felt silly describing it, but Beth was not to be denied.

"Fine, it's cream and has a brocade pattern on it."

"Strapless?"

Nora blushed. "Nooo, it has straps. It's pretty simple really."

Lee wolf-whistled, which she thought was rude. There was no reason to make fun of her.

"Do you want to come over to my room to get dressed?" Beth suggested. "It might be less crowded than your dorm, since we have suite bathrooms. You wouldn't have to share sinks, except with me of course. Jackie too."

"I'll have to ask Jackie, but I'll come," Nora agreed.

Beth clapped her hands. "We can help each other with our hair!"

"Speaking of um... getting dressed up and stuff," said Chris. "Actually I have something for you."

"For me?" said Beth.

Chris flushed a little. "No, for Nora – sorry Beth. I almost forgot this, sis. Stupid. I hope you can still find something to wear it with." He dug in his pocket and pulled out a little paper envelope.

Nora unfolded the paper and her eyes filled with tears again. "Oh Chris –" It was a tiny pendant made of purple heart wood, shaped like a celtic cross and polished smooth. "You made it, didn't you?"

He nodded, and she threw her arms around him.

"Hey, Norrie – we're in public, you know," he said. "I knew there was a reason I didn't give it to you earlier."

"Chris, I love it!" she said, ignoring him. "It's gorgeous!"

"It's no big deal. I just kind of started carving one day –"

Lee leaned over. "Wow, that is really impressive, Chris. You could sell something like that."

"Nah," Chris laughed. "That's just something for shortie here. I couldn't do it again."

* * *

The problem was, of course, that Nora now had to find a chain of some kind to wear her necklace on before tomorrow night. After she'd said good night to Chris and left him at the Sticks that night, she went back to Pieper and dumped her little jewelry box on her bed. Beaded string – no. Knotted cord – no, that might work for every day but it would look horrible with her dress. Oooh, the heavy silver chain that had the heart locket on it. But no! Chris had made the little ring at the top too delicate. It wouldn't fit. Why didn't she have more necklaces? That was all of them, and she didn't have anything to wear. She had to wear Chris's cross. She'd go around the dorm room by room until she found a necklace she could borrow, if she had to.

Jackie came in just as Nora was trying to muster the nerve to actually carry out this plan.

"Hey, what are you doing?" she asked, coming up behind Nora to observe the pathetic contents of her little box strewn over the comforter.

"Trying to find something I can put Chris's cross on to wear tomorrow. I was just going to go see if anyone anywhere in the dorm has something I can borrow. Just a chain, maybe, but it has to be pretty small because –"

"Well, you could start with your roommate, you know," interrupted Jackie. "Here – take a look at mine." She went over to her desk drawer, where she kept her jewelry box, and started pulling necklaces out. "There's this one – I never wear it anymore – do you want gold or silver?"

"Either, I guess," said Nora. "I just have my plain crystal studs for earrings and I don't have any other jewelry."

"You want gold with that dress, I think," said Jackie with authority. "Here, try this one. Just take the pendant off."

The necklace she tossed over to Nora was a little fancier than she had envisioned – the links were twisted in a pattern, it had an opal pendant with tiny diamonds, and it was probably more expensive than Nora wanted to know. But it did fit in Chris's ring. "Yeah, that works," she said, holding it up and admiring the way the cross looked with light on it. "That chain is really pretty, Jackie. You don't mind my using it?"

"No, actually you can have it if you want – the whole thing, that pendant too. I never wear it, really never. I've decided I'm more of a silver person."

"Oh no, I couldn't take it," said Nora, appalled. "But if you'll let me wear it, that would be great."

"I want you to have it," Jackie said. "I didn't give you anything for Christmas, so you can call it a late present if you want."

"Jackie – maybe just the chain, but not this opal. I couldn't."

"What would I do with a loose pendant and no chain?" Jackie retorted, rolling her eyes. "No, you have it."

Nora argued, but she could tell that Jackie wasn't going to take the necklace back, and there was no way she could force it on her without being rude.

"That's way too nice for a Christmas present, but thank you – you're really generous," Nora said finally.

Jackie looked over at her and smirked. "I'll pass that on to Lee – he'll be so happy you like it."

"What?"

"Lee gave that necklace to me."

"Oh no –" Nora was getting irritated. After being pushed until she felt uncomfortable anyway, she was not in the mood to deal with the Cadwell siblings' maneuvering. "I can't accept something that was your brother's gift to you, Jackie!"

"You already did," said Jackie, triumphant. "I'm not taking it back. Lee would rather you have it than me, anyway. I think he likes you better."

She was not going to take some kind of second hand gift, or vicarious flirtation, or whatever this was supposed to be, from Lee. But Jackie wouldn't take the necklace back. Eventually Nora stopped talking. She was going to say something she regretted, or she was going to cry, either one. She changed into pajamas and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she got back, she climbed into bed and pulled the covers over her head.

* * *

The next morning Nora got up early and got dressed as quietly as possible. She thought for a minute that Jackie was going to wake up, when she opened the closet door and the automatic light came on; but she just mumbled and turned over, grabbing at her quilt.

James was at breakfast, as he always was, even on Saturdays. Nora got a bowl of cheerios, a yogurt, and a mug of Lemon Lift tea, the same as every morning, and slid her tray onto the table beside him. James didn't speak to her at first, other than a quick nod – that was also part of their routine.

"Sleep well?" he said, after ten minutes or so.

"All right, how about you?"

"Fine. Hey, isn't it your birthday next month?"

"Yes," said Nora, bewildered.

"Okay, I got you an early birthday present."

"What do you mean?"

James slid a little white box over to her, the kind of shallow box you would get at a jewelry store. "Chris gave me a hint you might need this."

Nora was afraid she already knew what was in it. She looked up at James quickly, then bent her head and lifted off the lid of the box. Sure enough, it was a thin gold chain coiled up. She picked it up. There was nothing to it – just plain delicate links. Exactly what she'd had in mind for Chris's cross.

"James, this is perfect! Absolutely perfect – if I could have picked out exactly what I wanted, this would be it. Thank you – thank you –"

"I'm glad you like it – early birthday present, remember?"

"The only thing is – I don't know what to say to Jackie."

"Jackie?" He frowned.

"She gave me something to wear with the cross, last night –"

"She _did_? She gave you a necklace too? That is too weird – we both had the same idea."

"Yeah, although yours goes much better with the cross – it looks more like what I had in mind. I'll just have to give the other one back to Jackie. Really it's better, I felt bad taking it from her anyway, because it was hers –"

"Oh no, Nora, you can't do that. You'll hurt her feelings. You can't give back a gift; if she gave it to you, she wants you to have it."

"But, you gave me this too and you planned for it and everything."

"Well, my feelings aren't going to be hurt. Wear Jackie's to the dance and you can keep mine for everyday."

"I guess I have to, but James, I'd really rather just wear yours."

"Stop it, Nora. Jackie gave you a gift too, and it's not any less of a gift because she gave you something of her own. Actually that makes it a better gift, don't you think? You know Jackie really cares about you, right?"

Nora sighed. Maybe Jackie cared about her. Certainly, James cared about Jackie. Too bad it couldn't be that James cared about her.


	25. Chapter 25

Despite Beth's promise that they could help each other get ready for the dance, Nora already had her hair done by the time Beth got finished fussing with hers.

"Why won't my hair ever _curl_?" Beth wailed, waving her curling iron at great risk of putting Jackie's eye out with it.

"It looks curly to me," said Nora, looking. She'd kept hers simple, just a french twist. She had to use a lot of pins to make it hold because her hair tended to go in all directions, but if she was careful they didn't show.

"Yeah, but it won't _stay_ curly. You watch, in five minutes it'll be straight. Straight as a stick. Straight as a... straight thing."

"Did you use hairspray?" Jackie asked. She'd moved on to makeup and was trying to make her eye shadow blend perfectly, so she wasn't paying too much attention to the hair drama.

"Of course! And gel."

Jackie went over to her bag. "Aquanet?"

Beth squealed. "That's more like it!"

"Your hair is going to be like a solid mass, but it'll stay curly all right," said Jackie from inside a cloud of Aquanet.

"Hey Nora," said Beth, emerging serene from the mist. "You look really nice. I was supposed to help you, wasn't I? Sorry about that."

"That's okay, my hair was easy."

"What about makeup?"

"I don't wear a lot," Nora demurred, but Jackie interfered.

"Here, just a little whisper of eye shadow – just a touch."

"Please don't bother –" she tried to protest, but Beth joined in.

"Oh yeah, that golden brown. That's the color for Nora. Nice. Here – I have a lip gloss. Use your finger, if you're afraid of my cooties."

When they had pronounced Nora ready, they all put on their ordinary coats over their finery and walked up the hill to the student union, gingerly since it was still icy and they all had high heels. Nora's were only two and a half inch, but Jackie screamed and grabbed at both of her companions at every other step.

All the guys were waiting up in the lobby of the student union.

"Late," said Chris. He was wearing a suit – where he had got it, Nora didn't know, because as far as she knew, he didn't own one. He kissed her on the cheek, looking half-embarrassed. "You look nice, sis."

"More than nice," said Lee. "The primping time was worth it, girls." He looked straight at Nora's throat, where Chris's pendant hung from the necklace Jackie had given her. Then he offered her his arm.

She didn't know what else to do but take it, making sure not to walk too close to him. "I was going to dance with Chris first," she said in as low a voice as she thought might be still audible over the dance band.

"No, don't worry about me," Chris said from right behind her. "I've got Beth." He grinned down at her.

"Nora – swing with me?" Lee said, and pulled her out onto the open floor. The student union had been cleared into an open hall; tables and sofas had magically disappeared and everything was dim and glowing. The band had just started "Jump Jive and Wail" and as Lee pulled her into an under hand turn Nora felt the irresistible thrill of being at a dance, in the nicest dress she had ever owned, with a partner who knew how to move and no fear of having no one to dance with her.

The dance, on the whole, went pretty well. It was better than the portions of high school dances Nora had managed to survive in the past. It was better than she had expected. There was really not much more she could have wished for. She danced with Chris, Lee didn't try to flirt too much, and she even danced with James a few times.

James wasn't much of a dancer – but he was willing, instead of just standing on the sidelines like a lot of the guys. And Jackie didn't seem to mind – she had been trying to teach him swing steps earlier. But Nora wasn't going to waste her time with him trying to show him steps. She just stepped back and forth with him, his arms around her. The back of her dress was low enough that she could feel his hand on her bare shoulder blade.

"Jackie looks great tonight, doesn't she?" He turned Nora slightly so he could look over her shoulder to watch Jackie and Lee spinning around each other. Jackie was throwing her head back and laughing. "That midnight blue is amazing on her."

"She does," agreed Nora, only a little unwillingly. It was true – Jackie was beautiful. "Are you –you know – yet?"

"Soon, Nora. I can feel it. It's going to work out; I just have to take my time. She's worth it."

She wondered what taking his time would accomplish, besides torturing her. Not that he meant to torture her, but he was doing it all the same.

"It's such a huge comfort, knowing I can talk to you about it," James continued, squeezing Nora's hand a little. "I don't think I say that to you often enough. You're such a good friend – so loyal, so unconditional about it. Those are rare qualities, you know. You should know – besides Jackie you're probably my favorite person in the world."

Nora turned her head away. "Thanks, James. That means a lot." It did mean a lot, but hearing it was bittersweet at best. She didn't doubt that James liked her as a friend, but she always had to be compared to Jackie. There would always be a qualification.

By one o'clock Nora was getting really tired. Lee tried to get her to dance again, but her efforts were half-hearted. Megan and Jess had disappeared long ago with their respective young men, although Chris was still going strong, and so were Jackie and Beth. As she put her coat on she looked back at the couples turning on the floor. It was the first dance she had ever really enjoyed, and she was only a little sorry that it was Lee walking her home and not James.

* * *

The week after the dance seemed long and dull. There wasn't much to look forward to beyond spring break, and with no other distractions the students had no choice but to buckle down and focus on school work. The first exams loomed and papers wouldn't write themselves.

Nora saw very little of James other than meal times – he had a major religion exam and a long and involved paper for an education class, according to Jackie, who seemed fairly well informed about James's activities. Nora hadn't even realized that Lee had been scarce as well, until Thursday when she met him for dance class.

"You must have been busy this week too," she observed, for something to say as they walked to the sports complex.

"Very," agreed Lee. "I've got a personal problem to solve besides exams, which involves a lot of phone calls to make. Actually I don't think I'm going to bother studying for French. Dr. Cardeau likes me too much to give me a bad grade." He winked at Nora.

That, annoyingly, was probably true, but she had nothing to say in reply, so they were silent until nearly to the door of the dance studio, when Lee asked, "Did Chris enjoy his visit?"

"Of course," said Nora, brightening. "Everyone was very nice to him – he emailed that he almost wishes he were going to college next year himself."

"Well, he was easy to be nice to," said Lee, and Nora forgave him for the comment about flirting his way to good grades in French.

The weekend passed too, with equal non-eventfulness. But Monday morning Nora got an email from Chris. It had exclamation points in the subject line, which was not like Chris at all, so she clicked on it, even though it was nearly time to leave for class.

* * *

From: Chris Worth [woodshop-worth@yahoo.com]  
To: Worth, Nora [nworth@douglas.edu]  
Subject: News!!!

I got a job! This is so cool, sis. It's an apprenticeship, for at least a year, maybe more if they like me, and paid, with benefits even. And youll never guess this – your friend Lee got it for me. His dad knew someone he worked with on a housing project, and they agreed to hire me on his word. I cant even believe it. They do finish carpentry and some custom furniture, cabinets and stuff. Just what I wanted! I'm going to start in May as soon as I graduate. Might even work some weekends before then, if they get a big project.

Tell Lee I owe him forever! Well, I'll email him too if you send me his address. But tell him right away, this is awesome.

Chris

* * *

Nora had to read the email twice over, in semi-disbelief. That Lee should do something so incredible for someone he barely knew – and so perfect, just what Chris wanted in every single detail – was shaking her entire conception of him. She was trembling with joy, but it was time for class and she had to run so as not to be late for Janssen, which would be terrible.

By lunchtime she'd still hardly had leisure time to digest the news. Spanish had gone overtime, so she got to lunch a little late, and everyone was already eating.

"Hey Nora," said Lee the minute she sat down. "I have some news for you."

"I guess I already know what it is," she said. "Chris emailed me this morning. He said to tell you he owes you forever. I can't believe you got him a job, Lee – that is the most amazing thing anyone's ever –" she stopped because she was going to start crying, but it had to be said, anyway. "I just – I don't know what to say. Thank you. That will help Chris so much. Thank you, Lee."

Here for some reason everyone but Lee got up and turned in their trays. Nora was a bit confused. She had been late to lunch, but not so late that everyone would be leaving already. She wasn't sure what was going on – maybe they were just trying to be sensitive to her emotion? But everyone should know her well enough by now to know that she cried all the time. It wasn't really unusual. Anyway, she was too distracted to worry about it.

Lee was saying something, but she was hardly paying attention. Something about how he wanted to make her happy, how important it was to make people happy, or something, except he was saying her, specifically. Probably just being Lee, he couldn't even do an amazingly good thing without flirting. She couldn't hold it against him now. She ignored him and stuck to the main point.

"Chris's whole career could depend on this – I don't know if my parents realize what you did, but I'm sure they'll want to talk to you –"

"Nora, I don't think you're listening. I'm trying to tell you, Chris is a great kid and I was happy to help him out, but that's not the real reason I did this. And I didn't do it for your parents, either. It was for you, Nora. It was to show you how I feel about you. I'm falling in love with you."

She laughed nervously. "Yeah, right."

He leaned forward and put his hand over hers on the table. Nora drew it away, looking around. They were in the middle of the lunch rush and Lee wasn't speaking in a low voice – it was impossible to be heard if you spoke quietly. He had to be making fun of her.

"I'm serious, Nora. I'm not just trying to flirt with you. I know you too well to think you'd fall for that. I'm talking about a real relationship with you."

"I don't understand why you're saying that. It doesn't change what you did for Chris, and I'll always be grateful for that, but you – you're – please don't joke about it. You don't have to pretend something like that. Really."

Lee frowned. "This isn't a joke. You've got to –" He'd put out his hand again and curled it around her wrist, despite her trying to pull away. As if he'd only just realized where they were, he stood up, pulling on her hand. "Let's get out of here. I can't talk to you like this. Let's go somewhere else – I know you don't have classes this afternoon."

"There's nothing to talk about," Nora protested, in vain. She had a funny feeling, a shaking, twisting in the pit of her stomach, that suggested maybe he wasn't kidding. The way he was looking at her, the passion in his voice – Lee wasn't usually like that, not even when he was being flirty. When he was flirting he was quick and witty and teasing and suggestive – she'd seen it often enough, after all – but not passionate.

He led the way out of the cafeteria, through the student union. Nora wanted to run away, flee back to the safety of Pieper, but she couldn't. He strode on without looking back, and she couldn't just leave without a word, not after what he'd done for Chris. Even if he was just trying to play around with her, his kindness to Chris had earned her everlasting gratitude. She couldn't be that rude.

There was a little-used study carrel in a niche upstairs in the main classroom building – and since most people were at lunch still, the back hallway was deserted. Exactly the kind of place Nora didn't want to be secluded with Lee Cadwell. He pulled out the chair for her and sat down on the edge of the desk, too close, leaning towards her too intensely.

"Why do you think I'm joking about this, Nora? Why would I make up something as serious as that? I like you – I more than like you, I'm obsessed with you. And it's not something I just decided yesterday, either. I've been thinking about you for weeks, months now. I want you to go out with me, to get to know you better."

Nora gripped the edges of the chair to keep her hands from shaking – this couldn't be happening. Lee Cadwell declaring love for her, was something like a crazy nightmare you'd get after eating too many salt-and-vinegar potato chips at bedtime, or something. It was surreal. She didn't know what to say, how to handle it.

Lee was going on. He'd wanted to do something, some unmistakable thing that would prove how much he cared about her. When Chris came to visit, he'd gotten the idea, so he'd called his dad, and made it happen. It took some time, because his dad didn't like to ask favors. But he'd kept bugging his dad, because he knew it was going to be worth it, and he knew how happy it would make Nora.

She couldn't absorb more than half of it.

"This doesn't make any sense. I'm not – I'm not the kind of girl for you. I mean, I'm flattered, if you're really serious."

"I'm serious, Nora, I keep telling you. What do I have to do to convince you?"

"Okay, I believe you," she said quickly, a little afraid of what Lee might think would be convincing. "But I don't get it. I don't think I'm your type."

"I'll be the judge of that," said Lee softly, tenderly. "But why do you say that?"

"You know, I'm too quiet, you're outgoing, we don't like the same things at all." It was a mistake to argue, she knew that right away. It gave him a chance to argue back. Lee leaned forward – his face smoothed out and he looked more confident.

"So? Opposites attract. And I don't think it's true that we don't like any of the same things. We both like languages, reading, and dancing, for instance. And those are just examples. You've got to give me a chance to get to know you a little better. I know we could be great together."

"I'm really sorry, Lee, I – I'd like to be your friend, because of what you did for Chris. But I don't think it's a good idea for us to date. I don't think it would work out and I'm pretty sure I'm not really what you want."

"You can't just say that without giving it a try."

"I know what I'm talking about."

"That's so unfair, Nora. Please give me a chance."

"I'm really sorry, Lee," she repeated, and the tears started in earnest, overflowing with embarrassing speed before she could wipe them away.

"Hey, don't cry," he said, sweetly, which made her feel a hundred times worse. "Just promise me to think about it."

"Okay," she sobbed, more to get him to stop talking than anything else. "I'll think about it."

She got up and hoisted her bag to her shoulder.

"Want me to walk you back?" Lee said. "Or you just want some space?"

"Space," she said. "Thanks."

So he just watched her walk down the hall, which was in some ways even worse than walking with her. She told herself not to look back, but when she got to the stairs she did anyway, and he was still sitting on the desk, leaning on one hand, looking at her.

She half-ran back to Pieper, not even caring how she looked to the people passing her on the sidewalk, sniffling audibly and eyes streaming so she could hardly see. She dumped her bag on the floor inside the door of their room and stumbled to her bed. Her only coherent thought was gratitude that Jackie had classes on Monday afternoons. At least she could be alone.


	26. Chapter 26

When Nora eventually stopped crying she rolled over on her back and thought. It was getting dusky outside, as she could see looking up through the ugly narrow window over Jackie's desk. It was probably almost dinner time, but there was no way she was going up to dinner. She couldn't face Lee and she couldn't face anyone else. She knew what they would all think, and it would definitely be on Lee's side. Jackie was his sister, and James would think whatever Jackie thought, naturally. Ugh. Of course, she'd have to see Jackie at some point – given that they lived in the same room. She needed someone to talk to or she wouldn't be able to survive the next day.

Nora got up, and went to the bathroom to get a glass of water and wash her face. When she got back to the room she called Beth.

"Hey girlie," Beth answered when she heard Nora's voice. "What's the matter? You don't sound so good."

"That's because I'm not so good," said Nora.

"Are you sick, honey? Can I get you something?"

"No, no – I'm not sick. I'm upset. I need someone to talk to."

"Come right over – I have some mini pizzas in the freezer," said Beth, and hung up.

Over mini pizzas in Beth's dorm kitchen, Nora explained. "Lee asked me out." She felt stupid even saying it.

Beth put down her piece of pizza and squealed. "Lee Cadwell! You are kidding me! Not that I'm surprised he likes you, but he is such a charmer – Wait a minute," she broke off. "This is bad because –?"

"I told him no. This is going to be such a mess – I mean our whole group of friends –"

"Yeah, I see, that could be awkward," said Beth. "But – don't take this the wrong way, Nora, but why did you say no? I thought you liked Lee, not in a romantic way, but – I don't know, I can see him being perfect for you, actually."

Nora sighed. Her pizza tasted bland and lumpy suddenly. "Not you too. I just don't feel that way about him."

"I didn't say you had to feel that way, and you certainly have a right to refuse him if you think that's what you have to do," said Beth. "But –"

There was way too much history to explain to Beth why it was impossible. She hadn't seen what happened last semester with Megan and Jessie, and it would sound so mean and gossipy to try and describe it in such a way that she would understand why it was so bad. And there was no way she was going to tell Beth the ultimate reason she would never say yes to Lee. She wasn't going to tell her how she felt about James.

Nora didn't know herself why she had held on to her secret so stubbornly for so long – there was no doubt that Beth would be sympathetic. But it wouldn't serve any purpose to tell her. It wasn't the kind of thing that would get better by telling it, and it would just put Beth in an awkward position as James's friend.

After a long pause, Beth said, "Is there any reason you can't just give it a try and see what happens? Maybe you'll find out you can feel that way about Lee after all."

"How is that fair to him? Besides, if it didn't work out it would split up our friendships even worse than I'm afraid will happen now," objected Nora.

"It might be worth taking a risk on."

"If you think Lee would be such a great boyfriend, why don't you date him?" Nora said, exasperated.

"Alex doesn't go for threesomes," said Beth, abandoning solemnity. "And what would Anne say, after all?"

Nora felt more alone than ever as she walked back to Pieper – it had been fun to laugh with Beth, while it lasted, but Beth's final words had been, "I think you should consider it," which were such a close echo of Lee's that Nora sank right back to despair. She was doomed. She'd end up dating Lee whether she wanted to or not.

When she got back to her room Jackie was there, which of course she had expected. She still didn't know what to say, but Jackie was direct as usual.

"Nora!" she shrieked. "I don't know what to do with you." She ran over and shook Nora by the shoulders, then pulled her into a hug. "I want to hate you, but I can't. You'll give in eventually, won't you?"

"Jackie – I can't. I just – I told Lee –" Nora stammered.

"Lee told me what you said. But I know you – you're too fair not to give him a chance eventually. You just don't want to jump into anything. I told him he needs to be patient, because you don't like to be rushed and you always have to consider things."

Nora finally wrenched herself away. "I told Lee I'd think about it," she said as her only defense. "I'd rather not talk about it right now – sorry, Jackie."

Jackie did not seem offended. "All right, I'll let you think then. Think all you want."

* * *

Nora didn't get a chance to talk to James all the next day. She skipped lunch – she didn't think she could face Lee yet. But at dinner time she had to go – she couldn't eat in her room for the rest of the semester. She couldn't afford to, for one thing. She was going to run out of ramen.

She hung back behind Jackie and Jess as they entered the student union. It was well below freezing and she delayed meeting anyone's eyes for a few minutes, pulling off her gloves and unwinding her scarf, rubbing her hands together and putting her things in her pockets. When she finally looked up, she need not have worried. Lee wasn't there yet, it was only James and Blake. As they all sat down at the table, Nora was beginning to feel safe – perhaps Lee had decided to stay away, to give her space as he had said. But just as she was thinking that, she looked up and saw him.

Of course the only empty seat at the table was next to her – she had been so anxious and strained she hadn't even noticed if the others had left it there on purpose or if it had been a cruel coincidence. Lee slid into it and smiled down at her.

"Hi Nora. Missed you – are you okay?"

The rest of the table had turned away in conversation with each other, even James, Nora saw with a pang. _That_ was on purpose without a doubt.

"I'm all right, thanks," said Nora.

"Good," said Lee, and nudged her knee under the table.

"James," Nora said, in desperation. "Have you got the results back from your exam last week yet?"

She'd spoken louder than she realized and everyone looked at her. James answered her with his usual friendliness, but she could see he was hiding a smile.

Nora could hardly eat fast enough. She got up before anyone else, mumbling an excuse about her homework.

The next day, Wednesday, she remembered it was James's evening to work in the library. It was a long morning, and after lunch Lee walked her back to her dorm. She told him not to, but he said he was going to walk that way, and she couldn't refuse to walk alongside him, even though she couldn't imagine anywhere Lee would need to go that Pieper would be on the way to. The afternoon was slow – she realized near dinner time that she had gone through her Spanish vocabulary flashcards three times in a row without even looking at them. Something had occurred to her, that she should have remembered earlier – tomorrow she would have to dance with Lee.

She had to talk to James. He might take Lee's side, but if she could get him alone – she trusted him to be honest.

Lee sat next to her at dinner again. He didn't try to touch her this time, but he did insist on asking her about her day, and no matter how shortly Nora answered he would not be put off.

"So what did you do all afternoon?" he asked.

"Tried to study."

"All afternoon? What a day, huh? Which class?"

"Spanish."

"Oh, what lesson are you doing now?"

"Household vocab and the preterit tense."

"El preterito," said Lee in a sing-song, mimicking the way Dr. Wilson always said it.

This did not require an answer. Nora thought James would never get up. He was talking to Jackie in an undertone, so there was no hope of making the conversation general. Beth and Alex were sitting with them tonight (in an on-again phase) but Beth was not going to interfere with Lee, that much was clear.

Finally James started to pick up his tray, and Nora followed suit. "Can I walk over to the library with you, James?" she asked quickly, before Lee could offer to escort her somewhere.

"Sure, let's go," he said, as if he knew and understood.

"So? You've had quite a week, I hear," he said, when they were walking down the classroom building toward the library entrance. "Has it been stressful?"

"Oh James, it's been horrible," she said, tears of relief in her eyes. "It was hard to say no to Lee and now I've got everyone telling me I did the wrong thing, which is even worse. I suppose you think I did the wrong thing, too."

"No, I wouldn't say that," said James.

"Really? You're on my side?"

"I don't think I have to take sides – Lee is my friend too. But if it were necessary, I'd always be on your side, Nora."

"You don't think I should have said yes," she sighed, still disbelieving.

"No, of course not. I'm not in favor of experimental dating. If you don't see it as a real and strong possibility that you could ever care about Lee that way, then you shouldn't say yes. No matter how awkward it is with your friends pressuring you to change you mind."

He put his arm around Nora's shoulders. "Let me check in, Nora – I'm at the reference desk again tonight and if it's not busy we can keep talking."

When he had waved to the head librarian and put on his name tag, Nora leaned on the reference desk, tracing the edge with her fingers.

"I thought for sure you were going to say the same as everyone else – no one can imagine why I could possibly refuse him."

"Like I already said, the fact that you're not in love with him is reason enough for me. I think what everyone else sees is that he could be a really good match for you."

"But you don't think that, do you?"

"Yes, I do, Nora. I'd like to hope that eventually, if you get to know him better, you would see it too. I'm not saying you should change your mind now – I hope I've made that clear enough. But I do hope that some day it will change naturally."

"James – I don't think so. I really don't think I'd be good for him, or he for me. We're too different – our beliefs about everything are polar opposites."

"You have to take into account his background. It's not that your beliefs are polar opposites, the way I see it. It's that you have beliefs, and he doesn't. But that means he's open to anything. That's true for me and Jackie, too."

"I'm not sure I could ever trust a guy who flirts so much."

"He doesn't flirt seriously, Nora. You know that."

"What about Megan and Jess, last semester?"

"I'd say, if there was anything, my sisters got themselves into it. I know Lee probably contributed his share, but we were all going a little wild then anyway. That should be behind us now, don't you think?"

Nora did _not_ think, but it was pointless to argue about it.

"What am I going to do about dance class, though?" she asked instead. "I don't think I can keep going. It would be so awkward for both of us."

"Nora, you can't drop it now – we're already past the drop-add date."

"Maybe it would be worth it – it's only one credit. It wouldn't hurt my grade point average that much. If it wouldn't seem ungrateful to Uncle Bill, after all he's done for me –" But it _would_ be ungrateful, and she knew it. She had to keep her grade point average as high as it could possibly be, to show Uncle Bill she appreciated his gift. "I guess I don't have a choice, do I? James, what am I going to do?"

"It won't be that bad," James encouraged. "It's a class, so just think about the techniques you're learning. Lee isn't going to pressure you – we've all warned him that he needs patience if he's ever going to succeed with you. So he won't say anything."

Nora grimaced at the thought of everyone discussing her with Lee. She said goodbye to James and thanked him for listening, but as she walked back to her room she thought that after all, James had been more than half discouraging instead of helpful.


	27. Chapter 27

"What are you doing for spring break?" Beth asked one day in March. It had grown unseasonably warm that week, and even though they all knew it would get cold again, and freeze, and snow, everyone's spirits were lifting anyway. Nora and Beth had gone for a walk just because it seemed necessary to be outside. Trickles of melting snow ran down the sidewalks, and Nora had taken off her gloves and hat so she could feel the air, still cold but not as sharp as it had been the week before.

"Go home, I guess," she answered Beth's question. "I haven't thought about it. It's only a week, I don't imagine that Uncle Bill will need me to work."

"Do you want to come back with me? I asked my mom and she'd love to have you come. It's a long drive, but we could watch Austen movies all week –"

"I'd really like to, Beth," Nora said, calculating quickly. Beth had her own car, so she wouldn't have any travel costs, and thanks to working for Uncle Bill at Christmas she had a little spending money for eating out. "I will, if my parents say I can."

That gave her something to look forward to in just a few weeks, and Nora needed something to look forward to. Since Lee had tried to ask her out, she had lost all the comfort of having friends. If they watched a movie, or went out to get ice cream, or went bowling, Lee was right beside her, taking the seat next to her, offering to buy her ice cream, retrieving her ball for her. Not to mention that every Thursday afternoon he got to hold her in his arms for two hours at a time. James was correct in that Lee hadn't actually said anything to her in so many words, but the look he gave her every week as he put his arm around her and took her hand, was almost worse than words would have been.

She had expected him to give up in a few weeks, but he hadn't, a fact which Nora had to admit was in his favor. She had never guessed he had it in him to be so patient, so persevering. It was flattering, if nothing else.

On top of Lee, she couldn't stop thinking about James and Jackie. They had gone out to get coffee at the new little coffeeshop downtown a couple of times. Nora wasn't sure if these counted as dates or not, since they claimed to be just studying together. But they both seemed happy – there had been no return of Jackie's gloom, and James was uniformly cheerful. Jackie had gone with them to Socrates Society every week, too. It was hard to tell if she really liked the meetings for their own sake or not, because she was fully capable of participating in the discussion no matter what the subject. All the pleasure had gone out of the meetings for Nora, but it would look strange if she stopped going, and anyway she wasn't going to retire the field to Jackie. Socrates Society had been hers first and she refused to let Jackie spoil it for her.

* * *

The Worths had no objection to Nora spending spring break away, and accordingly the last week in March Nora and Beth left early on Saturday morning for a ten-hour drive north. "The drive gets really old, yeah," said Beth. "Especially when you have to make it at least eight times a year. But we can get together some great car tunes and we'll have lots of time to talk."

They had been singing along to the _My Fair Lady_ soundtrack – Beth was a great lover of Broadway – and both belting out "I Could Have Danced All Night" at the top of their lungs between giggles.

"How's it going with Lee now?" Beth asked. "Dancing reminds me."

"I could _not_ have danced all night with him." Nora frowned. "He is a good dancer, but that doesn't make him a good potential boyfriend."

"No one would ever guess you're such a stubborn girl, Nora. WWAS?"

Nora blinked quickly. Anne Elliot had been faithful to her first love all along, and got him in the end, which was more than Nora was likely to do. "Anne would say to be cautious of guys who seem too smooth, I think."

"You don't trust Lee."

"Not one bit."

"But what if he wants to change?"

"Then he'll have to prove it," Nora said.

"By what – how long does he have to wait for you?"

"Are you the Lee Cadwell marketing committee, or what? Please Beth, I've had plenty of bugging about it from other sources. I don't need you to start in too."

"I'm sorry, Nora. I just don't get it. Lee has everything a girl could want."

Nora shook her head. It was only because she was exasperated that she had the guts to ask, "What about Alex? Does he have everything a girl could want?"

Beth made a noise between a laugh and a snort. "I don't know – sometimes I think he's everything I don't want. He's arrogant, he's inconsiderate, he's too sarcastic, and he's not even my type – he's much too thin, and I've always liked muscular men. The problem is I can't seem to see anyone else but him. Even when we break up, I try to consider other guys. I try to find someone else, even if only for comparison's sake. But I can't."

"We have opposite problems, I guess," said Nora. "That's how I feel about Lee, only reversed. I can't imagine seeing him as anything but a casual friend. It just doesn't work, even if I try."

Actually, they had the same problem, if only Beth knew it. For the moment, Nora wished she did. She didn't want to tell her, but she wished Beth knew without having to be told. They were very different in personality, but so alike in that one thing. Anne Elliots, both of them.

"I wish you could room with me," Beth said after a silence. "I know – I shouldn't have said that either. I keep bugging you about everything. But I just get along so well with you."

"I'll think about it, for next year," offered Nora. "I'll see what Jackie is planning on. Maybe she'd like something else too, and just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I could try to hint and see what she says."

Spring break was gorgeous, but it went too quickly. They sat up late watching all five hours of the _Pride and Prejudice_ miniseries, made cookies, took walks through the snow – Beth lived in the country, in a large family. Their house was a continual disaster area, but not in the same way that the Worth house was. They all did things together, even Beth's dad, and the furniture was always being kicked and pushed around, but it was so they could demonstrate fencing in the living room, for instance, or play a giant game of dutch blitz that spread across the entire floor.

And then it was Saturday again, and they had to pack.

"I don't want to go back," Nora said, rolling her socks so they would fit in the small pocket of her duffle bag.

"I'm glad you like it here, but going back isn't that bad, is it?" asked Beth.

"I haven't even thought about Lee once while we've been here," she sighed. She had thought about James and Jackie, but only in passing. Beth's house, hidden back in the woods, seemed a refuge away from the world. She hadn't even checked her email in a week.

* * *

Lee was the first person Nora saw when she got back. He was at Pieper helping Jackie carry her suitcases in. The way he looked when he saw Nora, she thought it was probably a good thing he had both arms full. As it was, when she had followed him up to their room and he put Jackie's stuff down by her bed, he put his arm around Nora anyway.

"Hey there! Did you have a good break? Did you miss me? Say you missed me, Nora, come on, a little lie won't hurt you."

"I had a great time," she said, annoyed.

"I missed you, anyway."

"He wouldn't shut up about you, actually," said Jackie from her desk. "I had to email you, I was on orders, and then you didn't email back, you cruel thing."

"Sorry – I didn't really check my email the whole week, actually," said Nora, thankful she had an excuse. "They have dial-up so I didn't want to ask about it, and I wasn't really expecting anyone to email me."

Lee mimed being stabbed in the heart with a theatrical wince. "I have something I wanted to ask you about, actually, but we can talk later. Don't worry, it's business." He winked at Nora as he left.

"I wish you'd be nicer to my brother," said Jackie, in a voice that tried to be joking but wasn't completely. "I'm all for keeping him in suspense a little while; it's probably good for him. But I'm getting tired of his moping."

"Sorry," said Nora again, since she couldn't think of an appropriate response. 'Sorry' wasn't even exactly truthful, but it was the best she could do.

When they reconvened for dinner, James wasn't back yet, and Beth was eating with Alex (on-again) so there was no one to save Nora when Lee pulled her aside afterward.

"We have to talk," he said, drawing her toward one of the window seats in the student union. "I have the coolest plan ever for you."

"Lee, please –"

"No, hear me out. I told you, business. I'm not going to tell you you're breaking my heart, even though you are."

Nora sat down in the window seat, resigned. They were in public, which was a little safer, although she only gave Lee credit for choosing the location to the extent that he probably guessed she would refuse to talk with him somewhere private. But the window seats were built into the brick walls, they were deep and large enough for two and they had a secluded air. To prevent any liberties, she turned sideways, leaning against the brick, and drew her knees up to her chin.

"Okay, I'll listen. What is it?"

"My dad's business is housing investment, you know, right? He renovates old houses and sometimes builds new ones, it just depends on the latest project."

Nora nodded.

"Well, he's got a big project for this summer, maybe bigger than anything he's done before. He's doing a whole block of houses and turning them into condos. I'm going to be working with him on the logistics, project management and that kind of thing. But he's also thinking about hiring an intern who can help him with some marketing – writing press releases and ads and things like that. I thought about you right away – well actually I think about you all the time, but I thought you would be perfect for the job. I told my dad not to hire anyone else until I'd had a chance to talk to you. So – what do you think? You're interested in writing, aren't you?"

"Yes, sort of –" she wasn't sure how Lee knew that, since she'd never mentioned writing to anyone but James. "– but I'm not a marketing person. I don't think I'm qualified to do something like that."

"Oh come on, Nora – it would be a great opportunity for you. You have to try something new once in a while. You could stay with us for the summer, so there would be no expense involved; and my dad would pay you, not a lot, but he can offer a rate that's competitive with any internship."

Stay with Lee for the summer! That decided her. "I'm honored that you asked, I really am. And tell your dad I'm honored he'd even consider me. But I think he'd be better off hiring someone with marketing experience. I'm only a freshman and I wouldn't even know where to start with marketing."

"Oh no –" Lee reached out and put his hand on her knee as she was about to get up. "You can't just dismiss it like that. This isn't because of me, is it?"

It was, of course. She half shook her head, flushed, and looked away.

"Nora, please. My dad isn't expecting someone with experience. Anything would be better than no marketing at all, which is what he has now. He'd consider it a learning opportunity for you, and I know you're talented. You could help him, whether you think you can or not. I told him I have absolute confidence you could do it. And as for me, I'll leave you alone. I promise I will. I'm not going to lie, I would like to have you stay with us for the summer, so we can get to know each other better. But if that's what's holding you back, I swear I won't even try to talk to you unless you speak first. I'm serious – you have to consider this."

She looked back at him. His eyes were on her, of course, with that passion in them that pierced her painfully to the core. "Lee –" she faltered. "I have to think about it." She was so doomed. She already knew no one would back her up on this one either, not even James.

"Okay, Nora, but I have to let my dad know in a few weeks at most, because if you can't do it he has to find someone else." He got up and looked at her again before he left. "Think about it."

Nora sat where he left her, wondering what on earth to do about this. She was thinking about just lying – she couldn't tell anyone what Lee had suggested. If no one could understand why she would refuse to date Lee, they certainly wouldn't comprehend her reasons for not accepting an advantageous offer of employment just because she'd have to live in Lee's house for the summer. Maybe the only way to get out of it would be to wait a week, and then tell Lee her parents said no, or – Uncle Bill needed her, that would work! It wasn't even a lie, not completely. She had more or less committed to work for Uncle Bill this summer, if he had enough work for her. If she didn't tell anyone else, maybe it would blow over.

No – she reminded herself, that was a foolish hope. Lee was not the kind to keep quiet. Jackie probably already knew about his plan. And if Jackie knew, James knew and he might even tell Uncle Bill.

She didn't see anything else to do, however, and it was a valid excuse. That weekend she emailed Lee that she had a previous commitment to Uncle Bill and since he was sponsoring her at college, she couldn't just renege on her promise. It was probably cowardly to email instead of talk to Lee, but she just couldn't face another intense conversation with him while he tried to persuade her against her will without seeming to force her into anything.


	28. Chapter 28

After emailing Lee to refuse the job offer, Nora waited, half expecting a general uproar from all her family and friends.

A few days went by, and Nora began to feel a faint creep of relief. She tried to shake off her worries about Lee and work on her paper for Janssen – her last one had only earned a B minus, and she knew it was because she had been distracted from giving it her full attention.

She was, in fact, in the middle of fine-tuning her final argument, with sources open all around her on the desk and even spread across the bed behind her, when the phone rang that Friday. Phones being almost always for Jackie, Nora hardly even looked up.

"It's for you, Nora," said Jackie, holding out the receiver.

"What? Who is it?" she whispered, shoving books out of the way.

Jackie shrugged.

It was Uncle Bill, in fact. "Hello Nora. How are you doing?"

"Um, fine – I was working on a paper for Dr. Janssen actually."

"Glad to hear it. I'm confident you're doing as well this semester as last."

"I hope so, Uncle Bill – I wouldn't want to waste your gift." Was that all he had called to say?

"I'm actually calling about this summer, Nora."

Oh no.

"I just had a call from Rod Cadwell – your friends Jackie and Lee's dad. Apparently he's offering you a job for this summer?"

"Yes, Lee told me about it," said Nora, bracing for the moment of impact.

"Rod was under the impression that you refused the offer because you felt committed to me, so he called me to see if we could work something out. Of course when I heard what he had in mind for you I told him I wouldn't stand in your way. I do appreciate your loyalty and dependability, Nora, and you did the right thing in referring him to me. And we like having you here – your Aunt Elle will miss you especially. But considering what a good opportunity this is for you, we can certainly do without you."

"Uncle Bill –"

"I hope you realize what a good offer this is – a paid internship is rare enough for someone as young as you are, not to mention that they are giving you free room and board, as a family friend. I was really pleased by Mr. Cadwell's suggestions."

"I can't take it, Uncle Bill," Nora said. Jackie made a noise behind her, and Nora turned around and looked at her. Uncle Bill was talking in a tone of astonishment, repeating something about the generosity of the Cadwells, but she hardly heard him. Jackie finally went out, slamming the door.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your question," said Nora miserably. "I didn't want to talk in front of Jackie, but she's just left."

"I asked you what reason you have for turning down the Cadwells' offer. I'm really surprised that you would say such a thing, but maybe you have a reason I am not aware of."

He waited. Nora, trying not to sniff, plunged in. "For one thing, I know I'm not qualified – I'm only a freshman and I would hate to be responsible for promoting Mr. Cadwell's company when I don't even know where to start."

"He must think you are qualified, or he would not be asking you," said Uncle Bill in a kinder tone.

"I don't know – I'm pretty sure the reason they're asking me is –" she didn't want to tell him the whole stupid story, but it looked like she wasn't going to have a choice. "– it's because Lee likes me. He keeps asking me out. I think he just wants his dad to hire me so he can have me nearby the whole summer."

"Of course who you date is your own business, Nora, but I don't think it's very wise to let personal concerns stand in the way of your professional advancement. Besides, that's not your problem. It's up to Mr. Cadwell to decide how to run his own business, and if he chooses to offer you a job your only responsibility is to perform your duties to the best of your ability. In fact, I raised the point with him myself, and I am satisfied that he is fully aware of what he is doing. That very fact speaks to his generosity."

"I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it, though, because of that and because of Lee –"

"Nora, considering the circumstances of your family I would expect you to jump at an opportunity like this. It's exactly what I could have hoped for in giving you an education at a school like Douglas – connections that will help you become a successful person."

"I can't, Uncle Bill, I can't do it. I'm really sorry –" she couldn't keep the sob from her voice.

"What is wrong with you?" demanded Uncle Bill. "I am extremely disappointed to get such a reaction from you. I can only assume this is based in some kind of fear or misguided sense of humility, but after all I've done for you – after all the Cadwells have done for your brother – it looks really bad. It seems ungrateful."

Nora held the phone away from her face, because she was crying in earnest.

"All right," said Uncle Bill, a little more mildly now that he could no doubt hear her sobbing over the phone. "Obviously I can't force you to accept the job if you feel that strongly about it. I hope you'll reconsider, Nora."

"I'm sorry, Uncle Bill, I'm really sorry. I just can't – please don't think I'm not grateful to you. I owe you everything, it's just that –"

"That's enough," he said, not too harshly. "It was not my intention to be cruel. And of course you're still a part of this family, even though I may be a little disappointed in you – it's not the end of the world. Why don't you take the weekend and think about this. If you change your mind you can email me."

Nora choked out a goodbye and threw herself on her bed, on top of her books and literature notes. It had been worse than she dreaded. Everything he could possibly have said to make her feel terrible, he had said.

To top it all off, while she was still crying on her bed, Jackie came back in and didn't say a word to her.

* * *

Nora got an email from Uncle Bill the following week. It wasn't an unkind email and he didn't say a word about the Cadwell's offer. It simply said that he wasn't sure he had enough work to employ her at the office for the first month of the summer at least. There might be some work after that, but it was doubtful. If she planned on going home, she might consider looking for work near her family's house. And he closed by telling her not to worry, he still planned on paying for her next semester's tuition, room and board, and books, exactly as before. Nothing would change that, as long as she kept her grades up and abided by the general rules of behavior at Douglas.

Despite the reassurance of the final paragraph, Nora knew exactly what this email meant. Uncle Bill wanted her to realize that if you turn down good job offers, you can't necessarily count on something else coming up. He wanted her to have to work at McDonald's for a month or so, and come to appreciate what she'd been given. It was a lesson for her. It was probably a well-meant lesson, because as she knew from personal experience, Uncle Bill was really a decent man. He had no way of knowing why she had refused the Cadwells. If it didn't involve his own daughters' misbehavior, she might have tried to explain why she couldn't trust Lee. But as it was, there was no help for it.

Jackie had apparently forgiven her again – just barely. She didn't mention the job offer, but she did talk about Lee.

"You won't shut Lee out forever, will you? I don't want to have to lose you, Nora," she said one day in April. That was a lot more than Jackie usually said about her own feelings, and Nora was affected in spite of herself.

"Oh, Jackie, I don't want to lose you either. I don't want to shut you out and I don't even want to shut Lee out. Jackie, it's just too much. I'd like to – I hate to disappoint people –"

"If I didn't believe you were absolutely sincere about all this, I'd really have to hate you," said Jackie. "I know you mean it, and I told Lee that. It would probably be easier on him if you were just trying to play with him. He'd know how to handle that."

Nora sighed. She just wanted the semester to end. Even if it meant going back home and working fast food – or babysitting. Her mom knew a neighbor who needed a part-time babysitter and it looked like Nora could have the job if she wanted. And she didn't really like babysitting. But it would be better than this.

And given the circumstances, she hadn't asked Jackie about switching roommates. It would be insulting on top of everything else. She didn't even hint. She just signed the paper when Jackie had filled it out. Beth would have to forgive her this time.

James was no help, although to give him credit, he tried to be. As Nora expected, he couldn't understand her really. At least he didn't accuse her of ingratitude. He just thought she was being stubborn, and probably cowardly, although he didn't say so.

"I knew that would be a lot for you to take on," he'd said, in a resigned tone. "Why that offer couldn't have come up next summer, instead – I knew as soon as Lee told me about it that would be difficult for you on top of everything else. I did hope you'd be able to overcome – but no, I'm not going to badger you about it. I told you I'd be on your side, Nora." He hugged her, but that in itself just made her want to cry again.

Finals came, and Tim and Blake's graduation loomed at the end of the week. Nora realized she wasn't the only one suffering when she walked in on Jess in tears one day.

"Jess? What's the matter?" she said hesitantly. She had hoped, after Christmas, that she and Jess might get to be better friends; but the sorority had taken up a lot of Jess's free time and Nora herself had been too distracted to make any overtures.

"What do you think?" sobbed Jess, sarcastic even in tears. "My boyfriend is graduating in a week and I still have three stupid years to go at this damn place."

Nora grabbed the box of kleenex and sat down on the bed. She put her arm across Jess's shoulders – it seemed the thing to do, although neither of them were particularly touchy usually. And she must have been right, because Jess leaned her head on Nora's shoulder after a minute.

"What's Blake doing next year?" asked Nora, when Jess had blown her nose and quieted a little. She felt bad that she didn't know, but she had hardly paid any attention to either Tim or Blake, with her own worries to absorb her.

"He's got a job in his home town," sniffed Jess. "I should be glad – it's a good job, in accounting, but all I can think about is how far away it is. And you know the worst thing, Nora? No one takes it seriously. Megs gets everyone's attention because she does stupid things like get practically engaged at eighteen. Blake and I don't make a fuss about our relationship, so everyone thinks it's just some casual fling and we'll probably break up this summer. I'm not a drama queen, so I must not have any feelings at all."

Nora sympathized more than Jess could know – not with her anger, but with her suffering unacknowledged. She pulled Jess a little closer. "I'm so sorry. I wish there were something good I could say – if it helps, I believe you that it's serious – "

"It's okay, it's nice to finally tell someone how I feel," said Jess, wiping her eyes again and looking a little more like herself. She pulled away from Nora. "Thanks. I mean it."

That was all, but with Jess, it was enough.

"Email me this summer," Nora said. "If you want to, I mean – I'd like it if –"

"Okay, Nora, I will." Jess laughed at her. "You don't have to be so shy about it. We're probably in the same boat, huh?"

Nora flushed. "I don't know – what do you mean?"

"I mean no one gets you either. But hey – I fully support you refusing Lee. I support you refusing the job, when it comes to that. Lee is a jerk and I know that from personal experience. I wouldn't work for his creep of a dad if the salary were a million dollars. And sorry, Nora, but there's no way you're qualified to be a marketing manager as a college freshman – my dad should know that. It's not even remotely appropriate to ask you, and only the Cadwells would get away with it."

Nora was so shocked she didn't know what to say. Why hadn't she thought to talk with Jessie about the situation? – she was the one person who had any chance of understanding Nora's objections, without even having to explain them. Trying to collect her thoughts, Nora blurted what she was thinking. "I wish I'd talked to you before, Jess. I sort of forgot – I mean, that sounds horrible, but I guess I'd got used to thinking I was totally alone in this. I'm sorry – forgive me –"

Jess half-smiled. "Yeah, I know how you feel. It's okay. I did the same thing, right? I never talk to anyone but Blake."

"You can talk to me whenever you need someone," said Nora, remembering that Beth had once said the same to her.


	29. Chapter 29

Home was so exactly the same that it seemed strange to Nora. So much had happened to her – she felt ages older than the girl who had been afraid to go away to college, almost a year ago. But at home, she was back to being Norrie. She set the table, went to bed at ten, and hid in her room when the boys got into fights in the living room.

The one thing she had been looking forward to about being at home was spending a little time with Chris, but that didn't really turn out as she had hoped. Chris was getting ready for graduation himself, and every free minute he took off to work. They had been going to go get hamburgers together the first weekend, but just as they were leaving Chris's new boss called and asked him to come in because they had a new job.

"I can't tell them no, Shortie," he said to Nora, a little sheepishly as if he thought she would be mad. "Rain check?"

"Of course! You have responsibilities, I understand," she said, keeping her voice cheerful. "Have a good day at work! I hope you get to do some fun router things or something."

So far, Chris said, he'd been doing mostly plain measuring and cutting while the other guys did the interesting parts. That was only what he expected, though.

When Chris left, Nora asked Ruth to go get lunch with her instead, but that was not as much fun as she had hoped, either. While she was away Nora had forgotten how Ruthie always fought with Abby, who could not be prevented from sneaking into their room to play with Ruthie's doll collection. Ruth spent most of the lunch complaining about it.

"Mom never does anything! She lets Abby get away with anything she wants, Nora – it's so not fair. You have to say something to Mom now you're home. Make her discipline Abby."

Nora blushed and tried to get Ruth to lower her voice. Everything Ruth said was true, but Nora didn't like airing their family dirty laundry in public. And it certainly wasn't her place to try and correct her mom's parenting techniques.

The second week of vacation Nora started her babysitting job. There were two children, a boy and a girl, and their fights sounded so much like home that it was like the two blended together. Nora was so tired of screaming she felt like screaming herself. There was no one to talk to. No one like Beth to trade Austen in-jokes with; no one like James to talk about religion class with; not even one like Jackie to make her laugh. Nora realized she was really getting desperate when she caught herself thinking wistfully of dancing class.

It must have been the fourth week at home when Nora came home from babysitting one day. Justin was on the computer, and she resisted the urge to use her big-sister authority and kick him off. It wasn't healthy to check her email so much anyway. But she did bring her book into the living room so she could see when he was finished. He was playing a game. Nora sat for what seemed like hours listening to explosion sound effects until Justin finally got frustrated, kicked the desk, and stood up.

She had hardly sat down at the computer desk when Mark came in.

"Norrie! Justin said I could play when he was done!" he complained.

"You can," she said. "Just let me check my email."

"Don't take forever. You check your email for hours."

Nora clicked the dial up button and waited. When her email finally opened, she only had one new message, and it was from Lee. She almost didn't open it, but it had been a long day with the kids and even a flirty email from Lee would be better than no contact at all. At least she could feel like she had adult friends.

* * *

From: Cadwell, Lee (lcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: Visit this weekend

Hi Nora,

Good news! Well, for me at least. I'm going to be in your neighborhood this weekend. My dad has a small project in the city and he wants me to stop by the site and see how it's going. If it's okay with your parents, I'd love to come by Saturday afternoon and see you.

You can't refuse me this much, Nora. I'll forgive you for not coming this summer, but you can't stop me from seeing you at all.

Let me know if Saturday is okay.

Lee

* * *

When she closed the email from Lee, another new message had popped up. This one was from James.

* * *

From: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Summer blues

Nora,

Thanks for your email. I'm sorry the summer is so slow for you. I know it's hard when you get back home at first – it's difficult to adjust when you're used to being surrounded by friends and always having someone to talk to at any hour of the day. You know you can call me if you want to talk, right?

Although, I should warn you I'll be away for the weekend and probably through the middle of next week. I'm going out to visit Jackie and Lee. This could be it, Nora. Think of me – I need to finally have a serious discussion with Jackie. We've had our moments but I need to clarify expectations for our relationship, if we're going to have one at all.

I'll let you know how it goes. Probably Wednesday next week.

Hang in there,

James

* * *

Nora wiped her eyes, clicked on Lee's email again, and replied that Saturday would be fine. She paused before she hit 'send'.

"Hey mom?" she called to the kitchen.

"Hmm, sweetie?"

"Is it okay if my friend Lee stops by on Saturday? You know, the one who got the job for Chris?"

"Of course, Norrie. We'd love to meet him."

She sent the email and a minute later her mom called, "Norrie? Do you think he'll be here for dinner?"

Nora cringed. Now that could be disastrous.

* * *

Lee knocked on the door promptly after lunch on Saturday. Nora could only be thankful that the dishes had mostly been cleared away, and though the kitchen was a mess, there shouldn't be any reason for him to go in there. It would have been even better if her dad weren't home – he usually had poker night with his friends, but he didn't leave until later.

On the whole, though, her parents were on their best behavior. Her mom was even paying more attention to the conversation than usual. She adored Chris – all her boys were her favorites. And to meet the man who had done something good for her son brought out the best in her. She couldn't be energetic, but she spoke with more precision than usual.

"We're so grateful, Lee," she repeated. "I know it probably seems like nothing to you, since you had the connections, but it was everything to us. Are you sure you don't want anything to drink?"

"No thanks, Mrs. Worth," said Lee. "I just had lunch, so I'm fine."

Nora blessed him inwardly. All the glasses had permanent greasy fingerprints on them, and she knew for a fact they didn't have anything to offer besides off-brand grape soda.

"So tell me about your dad's business," boomed her dad, putting down a newspaper from three days ago, which he was catching up on. Reading the newspaper was his only hobby. "How many people does he employ?"

Nora stiffened again, because her dad had no inner filter and he was perfectly capable of asking questions for hours. But fortunately he stuck to business, and he didn't say anything too embarrassing, other than asking if Mr. Cadwell had any illegal immigrants working for him.

And then Nora's mom interrupted.

"It's such a nice day, isn't it? Why don't you kids go out for a walk or something. Jack, you can find out about the Cadwell's business later. Go on, Nora, hon. Take Lee for a walk down to the park."

"I'll go," said Ruthie, who always wanted in on Nora's activities. "I need a break from practicing."

She could see with a glance at Lee that this wasn't really what he had in mind, but Nora was just as happy to have Ruthie along. In fact, it couldn't have been a better way to pass Lee's visit. Outside she didn't have to worry about what her parents might say or do next, and with Ruthie by her side she wouldn't have Lee coming on to her either.

They went down the street and around the corner to the big old city park. There had once been a playground, although most of the swings had been ripped off their chains. But the trees were still grand and full and a community organization kept the flower beds trimmed.

"What were you practicing," Lee asked Ruthie, apparently resigning himself to having her as chaperone. "You play an instrument?"

"Clarinet," replied Ruthie. "I'm in orchestra and band and I have to practice if I want to keep my place."

"See, my sister plays harp, and I always thought she had it easy, with no other harp players to compete with her."

Ruthie giggled, pleased.

"What grade are you?" Lee asked.

"I'm a junior."

"Are you going to college, do you think?"

"Maybe, if I can get a scholarship."

"You can do it," Lee encouraged. "Maybe even a music scholarship. I know Douglas has those. And if your grades are top-notch..."

Ruthie made a face. "I try. I didn't use to want to go to college, but Nora told me it's worth it, and you learn a lot more than in high school. So I have to pull my grades back up now. I let them go when I didn't really care much."

Lee had turned to look at Nora. "She's right, it is worth it. So how are you surviving the summer? You look a little down."

"Well, you know," Nora said, embarrassed. "It's hard to adjust. Everyone told me it would be. I'm just a little lonely, but other than that I'm fine."

He didn't say anything. She knew he was thinking that she wouldn't have been lonely if she'd accepted his offer, but at least he didn't point it out.

They had walked down the park, and at the end of the path there was a steep hill looking down over the river and the downtown buildings across it. They leaned on the wall at the edge of the bluff and looked in silence, all three of them.

"I love the city," said Lee. "There's so much life down there. If I were a painter, I'd paint that like a mountain landscape, only with buildings instead of rocks."

For a moment, Nora could see it his way. The sun was getting lower in the sky and some of the buildings glowed and shimmered.

"Jackie's really lonely," Lee said after a silence. "She'd love it if you would come visit her, Nora. I'd be away a lot working with my dad, so you wouldn't have to worry about seeing me."

"I don't know," said Nora automatically. "I have my babysitting job..."

"I wish you'd consider it." Lee spoke seriously. "Don't let me ruin your friendship with Jackie. She doesn't have many close friends – she needs you."

Nora was tempted. No one needed her at home, really, not even Ruthie. Much as she loved her sister, she missed having her own room. Nora knew it even though Ruth hadn't said anything.

"And you could use a break yourself," continued Lee. "Don't try to tell me you're happy as you are." He turned to Ruth. "You haven't seen your sister in a while, but you have to agree with me – she looks depressed. If you could see her at school – all her professors love her. She's brilliant. Not all sad and silent like she is now."

Nora was mortified, but Ruth was agreeing, flattered by Lee's attention. Typical. He was winning over one more female. Nora hardened her heart. Jackie had plenty to do – all her emails were full of parties and friends. Lee was just trying to manipulate her.

No one said much on the way back. For all her worry the day before, Lee refused to stay for dinner. He said he was meeting a business contact of his dad's, but Nora thought that might be just a kind excuse to spare her.

"Stay in touch," he said to her at the door. "Email me or Jackie any time you need a friend. I mean that – no strings attached."


	30. Interlude - Summer Break

From: Cadwell, Lee (lcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: Wonderful to see you

Nora,

Here I am back home and I'm already missing you. It's almost worse getting to see you because I end up thinking about you, what you looked like, how much I wish you had agreed to spend the summer here…

It wasn't that bad, was it? Just taking a walk and talking about nothing? That's all I want! I wish you'd at least have coffee with me when we get back to campus. It would be harmless – just coffee with a friend. We could get to know each other a little better. Say yes, come on. If you say no maybe I'll just go get you coffee anyway, and we can talk in the student union.

I can be what you want, Nora. You just have to give me a chance.

Yours, whether you like it or not,

Lee

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: Guess what I get to hear about now?

Thanks, Nora – Lee can't stop talking about you since he got back. I get to hear about you all day long, how great you are. He thinks it must have been fate, instead of the dean's office, that made you my roommate so that he got to meet you. Etc etc etc. I'm going to smack Lee the next time he mentions your name.

Just kidding – you make my brother happy. That's all I'm saying. Be nice now.

J

PS James is here. He says hi.

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Cadwell, Lee (lcadwell@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Wonderful to see you

Hi Lee,

Thanks again for what you're doing for my brother – my family really liked getting to meet you.

The reason I can't just have coffee with you is because it's more than coffee. I know you're seeing it as more than just coffee, so I have to see it that way too. I'm really sorry. I don't want to seem like I'm not grateful for what you did for Chris.

And I don't mind being your friend or even getting to know you better, but it's hard to be friends when you keep bringing up the other stuff.

Nora

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Summer blues

James,

I don't want to bug you, but I'm really anxious. How did your visit go? Did you get a chance to talk to Jackie, or not? What did she say?

Thinking of you,

Nora

* * *

From: Grant, Elizabeth (egrant@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Reading more Austen

Hey girl,

What's going on? It sounds like your summer's been a little boring so far. I wish mine were, but my dad loves to plan huge family vacations. This summer we're going to Maine. Actually it's horrible of me to complain, but traveling is never easy when you have a big family. We're leaving in a week. Write to me before we go, if you can. I miss you. Taking Mansfield Park to read on the way, and thinking of you. You're going to have to convince me of what you see in Edmund.

Can't wait for August – the WWAS is going to rule campus! Secretly, of course.

Love,  
Beth

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)  
Subject: Your summer

Hey Jessie,

How are things going for you? Did you end up getting that job teaching volleyball at the community center? That sounded like it might be cool.

It's nice to be home but I'm hoping I still get to work for Uncle Bill later on this summer. I've tried to find a job around here, but there's not much. I'm babysitting twice a week and I'm lucky to get that. Babysitting doesn't really look that good on a resumé, and the kids are kind of a pain. It's a job, though.

So James is back home now, I guess? Do you have any family trips planned or anything? I haven't heard yet how his visit to the Cadwells went. I saw Lee one day – he stopped by here.

Nora

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Guess what I get to hear about now?

Jackie,

My whole family enjoyed meeting Lee, so that was nice.

Did you have a good time with James while he was visiting?

Nora

* * *

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)  
To:Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Your summer

Hi Nora,

Yeah, super busy here. I'm teaching volleyball and most of the kids are total BRATS... love it though. We get them running around like little wild animals till they run off their sugar highs. I get to use all the facilities for free, which is cool. I swim every day... one of the lifeguards is super HOT. Don't tell Blake I said that. Not that you'll get a chance to. God, I miss him so much. This year is going to suck. Nora I know you're not sorority material but you're going to have to come over to the house and watch movies with me or something or I'll go crazy.

Haven't talked to James much since he got back. He'll probably email you. Don't give in to Lee. He had me for a while... did I ever tell you he used the L word to me last fall? Well, probably not because I didn't tell anyone that. Yeah. I would have done ANYTHING for him, while he was flirting with Megs the whole time. I can't believe how dumb I was. He is a player and not the nice kind.

Yeah, well, hang in there girl! It's almost half way through the summer already!

Jess

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)  
Subject: How are you?

James,

Are you doing ok? Just thought I'd check in, since I hadn't heard from you yet. You know, things are slow around here. I'm reading a lot. I finally finished Our Mutual Friend and I've been working on that for months. It was ok, although I actually liked the miniseries better. I know, crazy – I liked a movie better than a book. How about you? Don't keep me in suspense!

Nora

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: IMPORTANT

There are some nasty rumors going around. Don't believe everything you hear. Total mess here. I'll call you later.

J

PS My brother loves you – just remember that.

* * *

From: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: We need to talk

Are you going to be home tonight? I have to call you. Something's come up.

James

* * *

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Your summer

Nora, I'm assuming you've heard by now. I can't believe my sister would do something so stupid and underhanded and cruel and just plain STUPID. God, Nora, I am SO SORRY. I keep hoping that maybe it's a mistake, that Lee wouldn't really do that to you. I mean, like I said, he's a player, but this is WAY beyond flirting. I don't even know what to say. My parents are completely devastated, I've never seen dad like this. It's not just the obvious, but she's also basically ruined their relationship with the Hastings and a lot of other people, and I don't know what's going to happen to her. How she's going to finish college, I don't know. Right now she's refusing to give up the baby.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I really just wanted to email and say it's a disaster area around here but I thought of you right away. You can call me if you want to just talk.

Hang in there,

Jess

* * *

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: Your summer

CRAP!! crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Oh crap. James is going to kill me. I thought you knew. Please forgive me. He's calling you right now. Maybe you haven't seen my email yet. I hope. God, I'm such an idiot. I hate myself sometimes.

Jess


	31. Chapter 31

When the phone rang five minutes later, Nora guessed it would be James. She'd just been sitting at her laptop rereading Jess's email for the twentieth time, trying to figure out if she had missed something or if it really said what she thought it said. But though the email left some things still unclear, it was more than enough to guess at what had happened.

She sprang for the phone on the first ring. Talking to James was going to be unbelievably awkward and painful, but at least she'd be talking to him.

"Nora," he said. "Have you – did you –"

"Yes, I saw Jess's email," she said quickly.

"I don't even know where to start."

"If you don't mind, can you just tell me what happened?" she asked. "I got enough from Jess to guess most of it, but not everything."

"Are you okay?" he said, his voice cracking. "You sound okay, but maybe you're still just in shock."

It was going to be awfully annoying if everyone assumed that she was heartbroken. How could she explain that she was much more concerned for the Bayfields than for the Cadwells, even if Lee had been deceiving her? It was really no more than she expected from him.

"I'm sort of in shock, I guess, but I'll be all right," she said. "I really need to know what happened. Is Megan really –?"

"Yeah." James's voice dropped a degree. "She's pregnant. We still don't have all the details because she won't tell us, but as far as we can get out of her, she's more than two months along. She's been having morning sickness, but she kept telling Mom it was flu or food poisoning, until it had been going on for weeks and Mom insisted she needed to see a doctor. Then it all came out. Mom and Dad were pretty shocked, but of course they assumed it was Cole's. Megan didn't say anything at first. Dad was going to call the Hastings and talk to Cole, and that's when she told us Lee was the father. Nora, I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay, really. You need to stop worrying about me – it sounds like you've got plenty on your mind already."

"I can't believe he was cheating on you and we were all telling you to go for it. This is so horrible in every way. Every time I think about it I just – there's no one it doesn't affect, you above all; and you don't deserve to have this happen to you."

"James, he wasn't cheating on me. We weren't dating so he wasn't cheating. Tell me – Jess said that Megan wants to keep the baby?"

"Yes. Dad and Mom want her to give it up for adoption. They're barely over the shock themselves, but they're doing their best to figure out what would be the right thing to do. Dad sat her down and tried to talk about college, her future – she won't even talk to him. She won't consider adoption. She won't consider any other options. She won't talk about how she's going to be able to take care of it if she doesn't have a job or something – "

"Is she dropping out of college?" Nora couldn't keep the squeak out of her voice. Valedictorian Megan? With her starry future, her power connection with Cole's family? Nora didn't get along with Megan, but she had always considered Megan to be intimidatingly smart. And she was a Bayfield. Dropping out of school was not something Bayfields did.

"I don't know what she thinks she's going to do. Nora, she's in some kind of delusional world. None of us know how to reach her. She keeps saying she and Lee are in love and they're going to get married and live in Douglas while he finishes school. I didn't think she cared about Lee that much – I know she seemed kind of interested in him for a while, but then she and Cole started talking about marriage – Ugh, this is so horrible. How could she do this? Why? It doesn't make any sense!"

Nora was more disturbed than she had been even in the first minute of reading Jessie's email. That didn't sound like Lee, getting married at 20 and living in happy harmony while finishing college. She couldn't believe it. And if it wasn't true, then Megan was in serious trouble.

"Have you talked to –" she began and then could hardly finish. "Does Cole know?"

"I don't know," James said wearily. "Dad's trying to get Megan to say whether she's talked to Cole or not. He tried calling Lee but he couldn't get through."

"This must be awful for Aunt Elle," Nora began, thinking of her aunt in that neat shining house, surrounded by chaos and anger and hurt.

"What? Hold on –" James seemed to be talking to someone in the background. Nora heard a deep voice, and then a high one. "I almost forgot," he said after a minute. "The other thing I was supposed to ask you – is there any way you could come here? Maybe for the rest of the summer? I don't know if you can quit your babysitting job, but Dad says he'll even pay for a replacement if you can just come. Mom really needs some support right now, and Dad's going to have to be away trying to sort things out, so he could use you in the office too. Only if you want to, of course."

"I'll come right away if I can," said Nora instantly. "My job's not a big deal; I told them it might only be for part of the summer. Oh, I guess I'll have to talk to my parents, too."

"Is your mom there now? Dad says he'll talk to her, if she is."

Nora went back downstairs with the phone and put her mom on. Then she sat in a daze while her mom murmured sympathetic 'oh's and 'mmmhmm's. It was terrible for her to be happy, but she was. She was going back to the Bayfields' house – she was needed. They wanted her.

After ten minutes or so, her mom said, "Nora, Bill wants to talk to you too."

Nora didn't exactly want to talk to Uncle Bill. She couldn't think of what to say to him; but it was impossible to refuse to take the phone.

"Hi Uncle Bill," she said. "I'm really sorry. Just – about everything." To her it sounded like the most inadequate and lame thing to say ever, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Not as sorry as I am that it involves you," he replied. His voice, usually so polished and confident, was heavy and rough. "I'd say more, but we can talk in person on Friday. James is coming Thursday afternoon to pick you up, if that's acceptable to you."

"Yes, that's fine. I'll be ready."

"Not too soon for you?"

"No, it's okay, I don't have anything planned."

"Until Thursday evening then."

"Uncle Bill? – Tell Aunt Elle I'm looking forward to seeing her."

There was a pause, then he said, "Nora, you don't know how much we appreciate you." She heard the faint click as he hung up.

"Wow, it sounds like they have some crazy things going on over there," said her mom. "Abby, hon, do you want to go out shopping with mommy?"

* * *

James arrived exactly on schudule Thursday afternoon, but the minute he walked in the door Nora was struck – he looked really down. His face was creased and somehow looked thinner and his eyes – she could hardly stand to look at his eyes.

"Hi, Aunt Laurie, how are you?" he greeted Nora's mother.

She made an effort. "We were sorry to hear about your sister. That must be hard on Elle and your dad. Now, have fun, Nora. Be good for your aunt."

James half-smiled as he took Nora's suitcase out to the car. "She does realize you're nineteen, right?"

"Sometimes, I think. Are you doing all right?"

He shook his head. "I don't even know anymore. I just feel sort of numb. More stuff has come up since we talked on Tuesday. Jessie took off, and we didn't know where she was until this morning."

"What?"

"Yeah. She left sometime that night – I was kind of hard on her after she emailed you. I kind of yelled at her. Of course I feel like hitting myself now, for being so self-centered. I should have seen – but we were all under a lot of stress. She blew it off, but I think she was more upset than she seemed. Anyway, she left, and this morning she called to say she's with the Blakes and she just needed to get away."

"How could she leave without telling anyone, when you're so worried?"

"I don't know either, Nora, but at this point it's the least of our worries. Like I said, none of us is acting our best at the moment. When Dad found out she was with Blake's family and she hadn't done anything really stupid like try to run away with him or something, he just told her it was okay and to stay there until things settled down."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know. I couldn't believe it either. He's just – almost like sleepwalking, he's so upset about Megan. I'm just letting you know so you don't walk in and ask where Jess is or anything."

"It didn't have anything to do with me, did it – her leaving? Like, because she felt bad about her email or because your mom wants me to come stay, or something?" Nora felt as she asked that she already knew the answer. It must have to do with her. And the last thing she wanted was to cause more strife in the Bayfield family.

"Maybe," admitted James. "But please don't worry about it. Maybe she really did need some time away. If you provoked it, I'm sure it was indirectly."

Nora wasn't sure. But she felt a little better when they pulled in at the house. Aunt Elle came running out to hug her before she'd even got out of the car, which was a first ever. Nora held her close, feeling her ribs through her back. Aunt Elle was getting too thin – she needed Nora to make sure she ate breakfast. Poor Aunt Elle.

* * *

As much as Nora loved being with the Bayfields, the first evening was not much of a welcome for her. Megan was shut up in her room when they arrived, but she came down almost immediately for dinner.

"Oh, you're back, James," she said, without looking at Nora. As they sat down, she still wouldn't acknowledge Nora's presence. "Pass the butter please, mom?" she asked, although the butter was sitting right in front of Nora. And when Nora picked it up Megan didn't thank her, either.

It was too sad, really, for Nora to be much offended or hurt. It was easy to guess why Megan hated her for the moment, and unfortunately she probably had good reason.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, dad," Megan said towards the end of the meal. "I can't stay here."

"You're going back to Douglas?" asked Uncle Bill gently. "Did you talk to Lee?"

Megan just looked at him. Then she got up and took her plate to the kitchen. They could all hear her bedroom door slam distantly.

Nora couldn't look at anyone around the table. Finally Uncle Bill said, "Nora, did you get enough to eat? Can I get you a second helping of potatoes?" She shook her head, afraid to speak.

The rest of the evening wasn't much better. Nora tried to read, but she could feel Megan's presence upstairs. She didn't know what to say to anyone else. They all went to bed early and Nora thought her own relief was reflected on the other faces too.

The next day was a little better – it had to improve just by Megan's absence. Aunt Elle needed to have someone to talk to, and Nora spent most of the day just helping her around the house and listening to her. Since it was Friday Uncle Bill had said she needn't start work until the next week, so there was nothing else to do. Nora didn't really mind, although Aunt Elle could be a little repetitive.

"I just don't understand, Nora. I wish Megan had talked to us as soon as she found out. Maybe we could have chatted with the young man and set up a visit with his dad. Maybe we could have helped her break it off with Cole quietly. If she didn't want to be with him, we wouldn't have tried to force her."

"I know, Aunt Elle. It doesn't make any sense to me either."

"I just wish she had confided in us. If only she had talked to us. We would have supported her in anything, you know, Nora."

"Oh Aunt Elle, I know. But she didn't. I'm sure there was nothing you could have done differently."

"It would have made such a difference if we had just known. I don't understand why she's still shutting us out. We want to help her."

"I know, Aunt Elle."

It was harder and harder to pay attention and give sympathetic answers, when Nora knew Uncle Bill was closeted in his study trying to make phone calls. James had disappeared too, and she had a feeling she knew whom he was trying to contact.

Finally, late in the afternoon, Aunt Elle decided to lie down for a nap. Nora brought her some lemon tea and shut the window shades for her, and then slipped out with a long sigh as she closed the door.

On her way upstairs, James put his head out of his bedroom and beckoned to her.

"I hoped that was you. Nora, will you read this?"

She didn't know what he meant, but he pointed at his computer screen and sank down on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. Nora sat down at the desk and read.

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: What are we going to do?

I don't get it – I think you're all overreacting. Not much you can do about it now, anyway, but let Megan ruin her own life. Honestly she deserves it after trying to ruin everyone else's and bring my brother down with her. She should have said the baby was Cole's – he can afford to support it. Even if it is Lee's she didn't have to make that public. Stupid. Don't know why she's trying to make it into an epic romance – according to him they were both drunk and she was the one coming on to him, which in my book makes her the one responsible. Not to mention really slutty. She got what she had coming to her.

Anyway you should quit worrying about it. We can argue about who's to blame, but it wasn't you. You might as well get out the popcorn and sit back and enjoy the spectacle. It can't affect us, you know.

Actually if it's anyone's fault I think it's Nora's. If she weren't such a tease this never would have happened.

Call me.

J

* * *

Nora gasped a little when she read her own name. She tried not to be hurt, although it was so undeniably hurtful – but what Jackie had said about her was by no means the worst part of the email. Her comments about Megan were horrible. That any woman could say such a thing about another member of her own sex was the unbelievable thing, even if she were biased on behalf of her brother. It even sounded like Jackie thought Lee shouldn't have to take care of his own child.

She read it through again – it was every bit as bad as her first impression told her. Then she turned slowly around in the desk chair to face James. What could she say to him? What was there to say that would not make everything worse?

James wiped his face with both his hands, almost as if he were crying, but when he drew his hands away his eyes were dry.

"I've already replied –" he began, but his voice broke, and he had to start over. "I already wrote back. I told her it was over – our friendship, our – whatever else we had. I said I don't want to talk to her again, ever. I can't talk to someone who says things like that about my family members. Or about anyone. I was totally wrong about her."

"Oh James," she whispered.


	32. Chapter 32

Saturday was just awful from beginning to end.

To start, Uncle Bill insisted on taking Nora out for coffee. And then, while Nora tried to eat a scone, he apologized to her.

"I don't know how you knew that Lee Cadwell was not to be trusted, but you saw something that none of us saw, and I should have listened to you. You've proven time and again that you are a smart girl with lots of insight and I should have put your word above that of some smooth-talking young man."

Nora's eyes were wet and her mouth dry. She could hardly speak. "I wish I'd said more. Maybe if –"

"No, Nora. By the time you could have said something, the damage was already done, remember? Anyway, you aren't responsible for other people's actions, only your own."

It was true – if Megan was nearly three months pregnant, that meant Lee had been sleeping with her at some point way back in April, maybe March. At the same time he was sitting by Nora at every meal, and walking her everywhere, and plotting for a summer together. That was strange to realize, and put Nora a lot closer to hating him than she ever had been.

"I'm not blind enough or selfish enough to blame you for what happened," Uncle Bill continued. "I wish I could blame someone else, but it's my own fault more than anyone's. I feel that I've failed my daughter, maybe both my daughters. It's nice to know that I haven't completely failed you. At least I can still make it up to you for not trusting you when I should have. I owe you, Nora."

"That's really nice, but you don't owe me anything – I didn't do anything –"

"I mean it. If you want to work for me after you graduate, you have a job. If you want to go on to get an advanced degree, it's on me."

"Please, Uncle Bill –"

"You've shown me what kind of character you have, and I value character when I find it. You've been loyal to this family and that's important too."

By this time Nora was done for. She couldn't eat her scone, and she could only hope not to completely lose it and embarrass Uncle Bill by sobbing her heart out in the middle of the cafe.

But that was just the beginning of the day, and as bad as it was, there was no going uphill – somehow it seemed to get worse and worse. When Uncle Bill dropped her off at home later in the morning, she had business of her own to take care of. It was awkward, but it had to be done. First she called Beth. It would mean explaining everything to her, which would mean a really long and painful conversation, but there was no way around it. She couldn't room with Jackie next year.

Having worked herself up to make the call, and planned what she was going to say, she was just thankful Beth was at home. She sounded sleepy and Nora was afraid she'd woken her up, but she was there; and when Nora had given her as brief as possible a summary of the situation, she was definitely awake.

"Nora! You are kidding me! Of course, I've been wanting to room with you for ages, you know that. I can call the Dean of Women myself if I have to. But oh my gosh!"

"WWAS," said Nora, trying to laugh.

"I don't think Anne Elliot would know what to say either! Lee Cadwell always _has_ been a flirt, but for pity's sake, this is worse than Mr. Elliot even. Nora, are you okay? I mean, I know you turned him down, but –"

"Well, I'm not totally okay, but I'm more worried about the Bayfields than anything. James is an absolute mess. I wasn't having second thoughts about Lee."

"You've got to feel weird, though," said Beth.

"Yes. Honestly I'm glad you said that, Bethie, because I can't talk to James about it the way he's feeling right now. It's nothing to what he's going through. But it's awfully weird, considering Lee must have – um – been with Megan at the same time he was after me."

"Ugh," said Beth feelingly.

"Yeah. Well, I have to go, Beth - my aunt probably needs me and I've still got to call the Dean's office and I guess I have to email Jackie now too. I'm really glad that we're going to room together, though. I feel bad that I'm happy about it, but I am."

Beth said in a whisper, "Yay," and Nora laughed, then felt even worse.

"Stop making me laugh! Bye, Beth."

"Bye Nora – call again if you need to talk."

Nora thought, as she hung up, that she might actually do that, in spite of her usual hatred for talking on the phone.

Unfortunately, her Beth-induced contentment could not last. Trying to explain to the Dean's office why she wanted to switch room assignments in the middle of the summer was extremely difficult without pouring out the whole story. Eventually the Dean's secretary put her on hold and then it was the Dean of Women herself.

"Hello, Miss Worth?"

Nora, trying not to sigh, began to explain all over again what she wanted. But the Dean interrupted her.

"Not to worry – I am aware of the situation. I've spoken with your Uncle Bill and we are all very concerned about Megan. I'm not sure if there will be anything we can do to help her, but we will try. Meanwhile, I'm glad you have a good friend for support in such a difficult time. I will change the paperwork myself. You have spoken to Miss Grant already, I assume?"

"Yes, and she's agreed."

"Excellent. I only wish we could resolve our other problems as easily."

"Thank you, Dean Williams."

"Not at all, Miss Worth. I'm sorry this unfortunate situation affects you as well. Please let me know if you want to talk to me, or if you would like me to arrange an appointment with one of our counselors –"

"I think I'll be okay, but thank you, I'll keep that in mind," she said politely, and thank goodness, the Dean didn't press it.

Now there was only one last task, but it was not going to be easy. She'd have to email Jackie, and she had no idea what to say. Nora went to find Aunt Elle first.

Aunt Elle was eating a very late breakfast in the family room and watching Dr. Phil, so Nora left her in peace. That would be even better comfort than any Nora could provide – that show was Aunt Elle's favorite and Uncle Bill joked that the only man in the world who made him jealous was Dr. Phil.

There was no other reason Nora could think of for putting off her email to Jackie. When she went into the study to use the computer, however, she found James there before her. He was just sitting in Uncle Bill's big leather armchair, not reading, not using the computer, just sitting there.

"James?" Nora said.

"Jackie called – three times actually," he said.

"Three times? What did she say? Did you talk to her?"

He shook his head. "I didn't answer. What is there to say? I just checked Dad's caller ID and saw it was her. She didn't leave a message. I wish she'd just leave me alone. How can she think there's anything to salvage? How can she think she can possibly say anything that would change my mind?"

Nora thought Jackie probably knew she was losing James, and was desperate to try anything. She didn't speak, though – James was not in a frame of mind to hear how much Jackie wanted to keep him.

"Nora, I don't even know what I saw in her. Was I just making it all up? Was it all in my imagination? I feel like – like the floor has just slipped out from under me. I thought I was in love with her. Now I wonder if I know anything about myself at all."

She hesitated, then sat down in the desk chair, turning it so it faced him. "I don't think you were entirely wrong, James. You saw possibilities, potential maybe."

"Maybe," James said, looking up at her. "Maybe you're right. She doesn't mean to be callous or cruel, I think. But in a way, that's the worst part. She's been so corrupted by the example of her dad, that she doesn't even know why we're all upset. She doesn't have any value for responsibility, and she's incapable even of compassion for another woman. I do think she was sincere in not understanding – whatever else, she's not a dishonest person."

Nora shook her head. "No, she doesn't talk about what she feels, but what she does say is pretty straightforward." Which of course meant that James had no excuse for not seeing what Jackie was like.

"I guess you could say I haven't lost anything but my own fantasy of what I thought I'd found in her. I'd really rather have gone on thinking well of her, than have everything I believed taken away like this, though. Well, it's all over now, and there's no point in dwelling on it, I guess. We don't have to keep talking about it – you're so good to listen to me, Nora. Are you really okay yourself?"

"It's a little disconcerting to find out that Lee was – well, he wasn't cheating on me, but he was deceiving me. But I don't have a broken heart or anything like that."

"That's the one good thing I've heard all week, Nora. I'm so glad at least _you're_ going to be all right."

The implication was clear. James felt _his_ broken heart was beyond repair. Nora sighed. "Actually, what I feel worse about is – I came in here because I have to email Jackie myself. I have to tell her I'm going to room with Beth next year instead."

"I didn't think of that," said James. "Are you going to be able to get it switched? I'm sure Dad would call them if –"

"No, don't worry about it. I wouldn't put another burden on you or your dad. I already called the Dean of Women and got it taken care of. This is the last thing I have to do and –" Nora knew it was probably better not to tell James about it, but she said before she could stop herself, "I don't even know what to say to her."

"Keep it simple," said James. "She won't understand, no matter what you say." He spoke bitterly, and Nora wanted to cry again. That wasn't like James.

"We can talk more when I've got this done," she said. Poor James. He was being so quiet, she could almost forget how much he must be feeling, until he said things like that.

"I'll be upstairs," James said.

When she logged in to her email, Nora saw that Jackie had already emailed her.

* * *

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: What the hell is going on?

Nora,

Are you not talking to me either? James isn't answering the phone. Apparently they've decided all Cadwells are of the devil. Don't see how it's supposed to be my fault, but whatever. At least reply if you get this, please.

J

* * *

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
To: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)  
Subject: RE: What is going on?

Jackie,

You may not see it as a big deal, but it is to the Bayfield family. Megan's whole future is in question, and it looks like she's chosen your brother over them. You have to realize that's very upsetting to them.

I'm not sure if it would be a good idea for us to room together next year, considering everything that's happened. It would make things really awkward. I don't hate you and I don't think you're of the devil, but James is my best friend and the Bayfields are my family. I called the Dean of Women and got the room assignment changed, so I don't think you have to do anything unless there's someone else you'd like to request.

I'm really sorry about this, but I don't see how I can do anything else. I wish you all the best for next year, I really do.

Nora

PS It would be a good thing if you give James some space and don't try to call him. It's not helping and it's not going to change his mind.

* * *

She dithered a while before sending this email. It sounded so harsh. But then, so had Jackie's. Nora actually hadn't said anything hurtful – Jackie had accused Megan of seducing her brother and suggested lying about the baby as a solution.

She pressed send. No one had really thought about the baby yet, not that she had heard anyway. It was an obstacle to Megan's education. It was proof of Megan and Lee's deceit, betrayal, and wrongdoing. It was an embarrassment to the Bayfields. It stood between them and their friends the Hastings. If Megan had her way, what kind of life would the child have? She only wanted to keep it as a tie to bind Lee to her.

It wouldn't be the first time a baby was used as a strategic pawn, Nora supposed. But maybe Uncle Bill was right to push for adoption. At least then it would have parents who loved it. Suddenly she felt lucky – she'd never felt that before. But after all, her mom and dad had really loved each other once, and they had wanted her, in spite of their poverty. That was something she'd taken for granted.

She went upstairs. James was lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling.

"Did you email?"

"Yes. I hated doing it, but it's done now. It's over."

"It seems like the consequences will never end. I hope I don't have to explain to Lee that he's not welcome to live at the Sticks next year."

"I forgot about that too," admitted Nora. "Do you have anyone else in mind for the third spot?"

"No, but maybe Alex will have someone to ask."

James paused, then broke out again. "I still can't understand how I could have been so blind."

It seemed he had to go over all the same ground again. Nora was a little surprised – she thought he had determined not to talk about it any more. But when she thought about it, maybe it was understandable. There was nothing else to think about. He was suffering and it had to come out somehow.

She listened and comforted as well as she was able. And there was a certain happiness in that – she could be there for James, when he really needed her. She didn't know whether to be regretful or relieved when eventually she had to cut him off and go to check on Aunt Elle.


	33. Chapter 33

That was how the rest of the summer went – Nora spent her days at Uncle Bill's office, the afternoon when she got home with Aunt Elle, and the evenings with James. Jess came home at the end of July. She seemed a little stiff in her first greeting to Nora. When a couple of days had gone by and she still hadn't said anything, Nora could see she should be the one to begin. She just didn't know how to approach it, and she was terrible at saying comforting things – they always sounded so inadequate.

She had rehearsed several beginnings in her head, only to lose her nerve whenever she found a decent opportunity to talk with Jess. But one afternoon when she got home from work, she walked into the family room and found Jess alone reading a magazine. If she didn't say something now, it would seem like she was the one avoiding Jess.

"Hi Jess –"

Jessie only nodded at her, which wasn't too encouraging.

"Did you have a good visit with Blake's family?" Nora tried.

"Okay, under the circumstances," snapped Jess.

"What about you? Are you –?"

"I'm fine."

"I just wanted to make sure you're not worried about that email, or anything," Nora blurted out. "I was happy you thought of me, actually – I mean, it was a shock, but that wasn't your fault. Please don't be mad at me, Jess. We were just getting to be friends."

Jess looked up. "Yeah, okay, Nora, but try telling that to James. You would have thought I did it on purpose. I kind of figured you wouldn't be too mad at me, but that makes it worse. It's everyone else. I'm the villain and you're the victim, and forgiving me in such a saintly way too. I couldn't stand it – that's why I left."

Nora's eyes welled up.

"Sorry," Jess said quickly, her voice softening. "Don't – I shouldn't have said that. It's just that my dad and James seem to think you're pretty near perfect and I'm always the one screwing things up. Don't cry, Nora – I know you don't try to be like that."

Nora was tempted to run up to her room, but something in the way Jess spoke stopped her. Uncle Bill really _was_ hard on his kids sometimes – maybe Jessie was really hurting. Maybe she'd never noticed how much Uncle Bill loved her. That kind of thing is always easier to see when you're on the outside, Nora thought.

"You know that's not true." She wiped her eyes and tried to speak firmly. "If I lived here all the time I bet Uncle Bill would find plenty of things I do wrong."

Jess laughed. "Well, that's probably true. Dad could find fault with Mother Teresa."

"I didn't mean that," said Nora, blushing. "I just meant it's because he doesn't see as much of me as he does of you. And anyway James knows he shouldn't have yelled at you. It was just the reaction of a moment. Please, Jess, I need you – you're the only one who backed me up about Lee."

Jess made a face. "All right, Nora. Don't make sad puppy eyes at me; I'm not mad at you. I'm just annoyed with life in general. Let's not talk about it. Let's talk about something else, like – um, do you like this dress?" she waved the magazine at Nora.

"I'm no expert," said Nora, but she sat down on the couch next to Jess and looked over her shoulder.

* * *

Nora went back home for a few days in August to pack her own stuff. After that first slow month, the summer had gone quickly after all. And yet it seemed years had passed since then. She took a last walk down to the park and couldn't help thinking of Lee. It was still hard to believe – he had seemed so sincere. And maybe he was. Maybe Megan really was nothing to him. But that just made it worse for Megan. Nora shuddered. How close she had been – she might eventually have given in, if he had kept after her.

James came to pick her up that weekend. Nora thought again about last year as they drove silently back to Douglas. It was like looking in a mirror: the same, but backwards. Instead of dreading it, she could hardly wait to get back; and James was the one depressed. Instead of the strange and intimidating chaos of Pieper on that first day, she was moving into quiet Gordon, which was already familiar to her from movie nights with Beth last year. Instead of the whole noisy group of Bayfields, it was just James, since Jess had her own car now.

Beth hadn't arrived yet, having so much longer a drive from up north, so when James had helped her carry everything in and then departed for the Sticks, Nora went to check in with the house director, get her keys, and introduce herself. The house director at Gordon was a small, plump English lady, as different from Mrs. Barnes as could be imagined. She invited Nora into her apartment for lemonade, which she made with real lemons and an old-fashioned juicer. She even put a slice of lemon over the edge of the glass, exactly like something in a TV commercial.

"The girls just call me Nana," she said. "Are you a sophomore, dear?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Most of the girls are juniors, but we have some sophomores. I imagine you won't have too much trouble getting to know everyone, since Beth was here last year, but you let me know if you have any concerns."

"I will, thank you Nana."

"And you have family here, dear?"

"Yes, my cousins. Jessie I think wanted to live in this dorm too, but she got a place at her sorority house so she's there instead. And my cousin James will be here quite a bit, I think."

"I know your cousin James," nodded Nana. "I know most people on campus, you'll find."

Nana liked to talk. Nora finally excused herself after over an hour, before Nana could start telling her another scandalously funny story about past years in the dorm, or recount another professorial romance.

When Nora got back to her room, Beth was just coming in, towing a suitcase and lugging a box under the other arm.

"There you are, roomie mine!"

"I went to talk to Nana and get my keys."

"And you ended up staying two hours," guessed Beth.

"Well, just one. Do you need help?"

"No, this is just about everything," she said, dumping the box on the bed and gesturing at the pile of bags and crates on the floor. "Ugh, I'm so tired of unpacking. And I've still got another year and a half of moving every six months. Ah, college life – the stuff they never tell you at orientation." Beth bounced onto her bed and leaned an elbow on the box beside her. "So tell me about your cousin – I'd rather gossip than organize my stuff."

Such was the state of Nora's mind that for a moment she thought Beth was talking about James and she wondered how Beth could have known about her feelings for him – but then she realized that of course Beth meant Megan.

"I don't know what there is to tell. She left home halfway through the summer. Supposedly she and Lee got an apartment together somewhere in the town of Douglas. The baby's due right after the new year, although I didn't actually ever hear the specific date. She was refusing to tell her mom and dad anything, so it's a little difficult to pin it down. Uncle Bill is making her go to prenatal care doctor appointments – she was blowing it off, but I think he bribed her with tuition money or something."

"You're kidding. She's still going to school?"

"I guess she's going this semester. She thinks she's going to go next semester too, from what I heard. I don't know how that's going to work out. Honestly, Beth – I don't know how any of it is going to work. Uncle Bill said Megan has made her choice and he's not going to pay her living expenses, unless he finds out the baby is starving or something.

"That's kind of harsh," said Beth.

"Yeah, but he said people who are living together and starting a family should be able to take care of themselves, and if they can't, they might as well find out now."

Beth sighed. "Ugh. I admit it sort of makes sense. So are they going to find jobs?"

"I have no idea. All I know is what Uncle Bill said, and I didn't really ask a lot of questions – it was kind of awkward. But I suppose they'd have to."

They stared at each other, and Nora knew from the expression on Beth's face she was thinking the same thing. Nora said it.

"Maybe this could work out, if they were really committed to trying hard and supporting each other, but I really can't see Lee –"

"Lee as a dad? Lee enjoying a domestic small town life? Lee changing diapers while Megan's in class?" Beth finished for her. "Um, no, I can't either. What a mess!"

"I _know_."

"I bet she hated having you at their house. She must know Lee was in love with you the whole time."

"Well, she certainly didn't speak a word to me, and she left as soon as she possibly could. I don't know if Lee was in love with me, but he thought he was, and that's enough."

"He was in love with you," said Beth emphatically. "I'm not saying that he's not a jerk and a despicable flirt and a liar, but he had to be in love with you. Otherwise why would he go after you? Clearly he had other options."

"Beth!"

"I'm just saying –"

Nora sighed. On one hand, it was nice to talk things over with Beth, who always saw things practically. On the other hand, gossip didn't really make her feel any better and it definitely didn't help James. And she didn't want to think about Lee – it left her with a strange unpleasant creepy-crawly feeling.

"I'm sorry, Nora," said Beth. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, you didn't. I'm not upset. It's just so – it's all so – sordid." She finished up with the only word that seemed to fit, although it wasn't a word she had ever expected to use in everyday conversation.

Beth got it, of course. "A very Austenian word, but I totally know what you mean."


	34. Chapter 34

"It's hard to believe I always used to love that Douglas is such a small school," said James at breakfast one Saturday morning.

Nora winced. There was nothing to say. James had stopped mentioning Jackie, but she knew exactly what he meant. It was impossible to completely avoid someone at Douglas. James was student teaching at the high school this semester, but that could only keep him from seeing Jackie at lunch. Sometimes she even came to breakfast, when the cafeteria was nearly empty. Nora resented that. There was no reason to think Jackie was purposely intruding, trying to provoke James – but she did think it.

On the other hand, she'd hardly seen Lee at all, though she'd been steeling herself for that first meeting. In a way, it would have been easier to see Lee than always Jackie, but Nora was grateful for small mercies. Such as the fact that this morning, they were alone. Even Jackie wouldn't get up early on Saturday just to make a point.

"I'm sorry, I'm not much fun to be around, am I?" James said. "I wish – look, Nora. I'm not much of a friend for you. Why don't you find someone else to hang out with? I mean it. You're too loyal for your own good. You don't have to sit here and suffer with me."

"That wouldn't make _me_ much of a friend, would it?" Nora asked. "Friends don't abandon their friends when life is tough."

They sat in silence for a minute.

"Besides," she added, "Beth is a bit preoccupied right now and you know I'm not good at making new friends. I guess I'll have to put up with you."

James half-smiled, which was her goal. Half-smiles were as good as laughing out loud these days. She was even getting better at being funny, Nora thought.

"You can come over if you want to," James said when they left the cafeteria. "Alex said Beth was coming over later, so maybe we can all watch a movie or something after homework."

Since Alex was living at the Sticks, Beth and Nora spent a lot of their time at the house. It was more comfortable than the dorm, and it didn't have visiting hours. Alex had apparently suggested his friend Brandon as a third housemate. Nora recognized him from Socrates Society, although he'd never said a lot. He was quiet at the house too; sometimes he watched movies with the group, but more often he stayed in his room playing online games. The Sticks was a very different house altogether this year. Beth and Alex were in a serious on-again phase, so as often as not it was just Nora and James hanging out in the living room doing homework or watching TV.

That was fine with Nora. She didn't mind quiet evenings at the Sticks, and anyway there wasn't much to do in Douglas that didn't remind her painfully of evenings with Lee and Jackie. It must be even worse for James, although he didn't say anything. Anyway bowling was no fun with two people and it was getting too cold already for ice cream.

Sometimes they played games. The best was prying Alex and Beth apart to play UNO – they kept a running score all semester. Nora always lost because she couldn't bear to play Draw 4s on James or Beth, although she didn't mind punishing Alex a little. He was too smug about winning.

When she went to put the UNO game away in the closet one evening, Nora was struck with inspiration. Besides the UNO deck there were a few decks of regular cards and Alex had a shiny new Risk board. He tried to coerce everyone to play Risk but Nora backed out whenever possible. She hated Risk. Under that was a Monopoly set – between Risk and Monopoly, it was like choosing between boring and monotonous. Alex had horrible taste in games. But wedged at the back of the shelf she had spied a battered box.

"Do you want to play Scrabble?" Nora asked James the next evening when she had finished her reading for English.

"Love to, but where are we going to get a Scrabble set?" he said.

Nora grinned. She just knew James would be a Scrabble kind of person. "You have one, silly!" she cried. "I saw it in the back of your games shelf."

Scrabble required concentration, and she made sure to do a little trash talking to wake James's competitive spirit. He couldn't win by spelling 'Jackie' over and over – for one thing, Scrabble only had one J tile. Nothing like spelling to put heartbreak out of his mind, she thought.

They played Scrabble most evenings after that, if only for a few minutes after homework was done. If they kept the board in a box they could shove it under the couch and save the set-up for next time.

Sometimes when they were too worn out from writing papers or studying flashcards, the games devolved into misspelling words creatively. James was better at cheating than she was, but Nora had never been happier, even when he beat her.

* * *

About half way through the semester, she went over to the Sticks on a windy Friday afternoon. It was starting to get cold again. Most of September had been overcast, hot, and humid, but it was bright and cool now. Nora leaned into the wind, half-closing her eyes against the glare of sun on golden yellow leaves. By the time she got to the Sticks, her nose was chilled and her eyes were watering. She knocked, and then let herself into the closed-in entry way, calling James's name. He was always there on Fridays, but the whole house was quiet. She was about to leave again when he appeared in the kitchen doorway, holding the phone.

"Sorry – I was talking to dad," he said in a dull voice.

"James, what's the matter?" she said. Not again. It was like watching him after he'd read that last email from Jackie, all over again.

"What else would it be? It's Megan. She's at home. According to her, she broke up with Lee because he wasn't treating her right. But apparently what really happened was she'd been paying for their apartment on a credit card and when her limit ran out Lee did too."

"She's at _home_? You mean she's dropping out of her classes?"

"Of course. That was about the only thing she hadn't messed up yet. She's refusing to come back and finish the semester even, but she doesn't want to stay at home either."

"What is Uncle Bill going to do?"

"He's trying to arrange for her to go stay with Aunt Doris for a while. Nora – it just seems like this is never going to end. I don't know why I'm so upset by this. It's more or less what I expected."

"Yeah, me too," she whispered.

"I guess it's just that – I'll always love Megan, of course. She's my sister. But the way she's acting, it's like she's some other person. Someone I don't know, someone who doesn't share any of my values, who doesn't care about my family or the way we were brought up. That's what hurts. It seems like she doesn't care about us."

Nora hesitated, then she reached over and patted James's shoulder. "I know it doesn't really help, but the rest of your family cares about you. I – I care about you."

"Thanks, Nora," he said, half-smiling. He looked at her for a minute, then sighed and looked away.

She had to distract him. "If it helps, I have some news too. Good news, although it can't outweigh this, of course."

"Yeah?" he said, not really succeeding at acting interested.

"I heard it from one of the girls in my Spanish class who lives in Davidson. Jackie is transferring at the end of this semester. She'll be gone."

James's face lightened. "Actually, that does help. Wow. That helps a lot. You can't imagine how much, Nora."

"Now if we could just get rid of Lee too –" she said, trying to joke.

"I don't have much of a hope for that. He's a senior. There's no way he'll transfer with one semester left."

"I suppose not."

"But still – not to have to see her every day. Trailing guys behind her everywhere she goes. The rest of my senior year might not be a complete torture, after all."

Nora frowned. He still sounded so bitter. She privately thought Jackie was looking for something in the guys she always hung out with, and failing to find it. She wasn't happy either. Nora didn't know how she knew that, but she did. Jackie wouldn't be transferring if she were happy. But Nora didn't say anything to James – she wasn't stupid enough to think that would be a good idea, even if it was momentarily comforting to him.

"Did they say where she was going?" James said after another minute.

"Um. M State I think. I'm not absolutely sure that's what the girl said, but it would make sense. Closer to home."

"Good. That's far enough away, so she won't be coming back here often. And another thing – I can fill out my class schedule for next semester without worrying she'd somehow end up in my class. Lee might, I suppose, but that's different. I despise him but I don't –"

"I know. Not the same."

"Have you looked at classes yet?"

Nora nodded. "That was actually the original reason I was coming over. I wanted to ask you about which religion class would be good for me to take. I guess I probably should declare my major soon too. That might help."

"You should definitely declare your major," agreed James, diving into the discussion with more life than he had shown in months. "Then you can switch to an advisor who can help you in your chosen subject. Are you still going to double religion and literature?"

"I think so. I'm going to take the second semester of both of the American and British lit survey classes next, and probably Spanish again. And I might take Psychology since I have a social sciences requirement to fulfill. But that still leaves me with room for another class. What do you think? Should I take Church History? Or the Comparative Religion – that's a survey so it seems like it might be better. The only thing is –"

"You already know what I'm going to say. Weston is teaching church history, so that's the one you should take." He grinned at her, with the old James grin, all the way up to his eyes.

Nora smiled back. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed him, the happy James. "What about you? Have your schedule all figured out?"

"Just about. I have a lot of education program requirements to do, unfortunately. But there's another seminar on theologians of the middle ages I might take. And I have one more requirement myself. I'd better make sure I fit that into the schedule or I can't graduate."

"Which requirement?"

"General humanities. I was thinking about taking Art History."

"Really?" Nora flipped through the schedule hastily. "The section on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons? I was trying to make up my mind between that and Psych."

"Yes, that's the one. Why don't you take it with me? It would be fun to have a class together. And art history goes so well with religion and literature both."

"It _would_ be fun," said Nora. She was proud of herself – her voice was fairly calm, considering the way her heart was jumping.


	35. Chapter 35

Despite many promises at the end of the summer, Nora had seen very little of Jessie. Of course she thought about it every time she passed Jessie's sorority house, but she couldn't quite bring herself to go inside. Nora was convinced that sororities had a secret code of behavior which she was sure to violate in some way the minute she rang the doorbell. She wasn't even sure if ringing the doorbell was allowed to outsiders. The closed door with its shiny brass Greek letters was just too intimidating, even though Nora felt she probably ought to try.

It was nearly Thanksgiving before she finally bumped into Jess in the upstairs hallway of a classroom building. Nora had gone to see a professor and apparently Jess had a class getting out at just that time. She felt so guilty that she did not even notice at first that Jess looked equally abashed.

After the first awkward greeting they both spoke at once.

"I've been meaning to –"

"I know I should have called –"

Jess burst out laughing. "You too? And I've been feeling horrible about not talking to you before."

"Oh no, don't feel bad," Nora assured her quickly. "It's my fault at least as much as yours."

Jess pulled her to the window at the end of the hall. "The truth is, Nora – well, I kind of hate to hang out anywhere on campus. I can't stand seeing _them_ , you know? The House is like my safe cave now."

Nora was struck afresh with how much the entire Bayfield family had been altered by what Lee did. She'd never seen Jess afraid of anything. "That's so –" She didn't know how to continue, so she gave Jess a quick pat.

"I know. But I hate what he did to Megan. We've had our ups and downs but I always knew what she was thinking, even when we were fighting. I don't know anymore."

"You miss her."

"Not even that. I'm glad she's gone. And I feel like a horrible person for thinking it."

After a silence, Jess spoke again in a changed tone. "The worst is I can't stop thinking about it! Here I am seeing you for the first time in weeks and I have to bring it up. God, Nora! So depressing!"

"Well, let's not talk about it then. How are classes? How's volleyball?" Nora offered.

Jess checked her watch. "I have to go, speaking of volleyball. Can't we have a movie night or something soon?"

"Yeah! And come over to the Sticks some time. James would love having us all over, I know."

Jess shot her a look over her shoulder as she turned to go. "I have to ask you about that too. Call you!"

That look made Nora a bit nervous. Jess had looked so knowing. But she was probably being over-sensitive, she thought. And in fact when Jess came over to spend the next evening at Gordon, she seemed to be asking mostly whether James was doing better.

"I talked to James yesterday too," Jess said, flipping through Beth and Nora's shelf of movies. "He sounded a lot happier than I expected. I didn't know Jackie was leaving Douglas, though – I guess that's what I get for hiding at the House all the time."

"I think that helped a lot," agreed Nora.

"James is so smart," interjected Beth. "I couldn't understand what he saw in her."

Nora was surprised. She didn't remember Beth having said anything of the kind, before. But maybe Beth had kept her theories to herself. She was sharper than she acted, sometimes. Just not about Lee – but she hadn't seen the way Lee acted with Jess and Megan.

"Jackie's pretty and acts helpless all the time," said Jess, answering Beth's implied question. "And she's really good at disguising the fact that she's a bi – sorry Nora. A witch."

Nora frowned. She couldn't say what she thought in front of James, of course, but she'd gotten tired of hearing everyone call Jackie names. "I don't think that's it. She's really intelligent – that's what got James. She has wit."

"Oh my God, Nora! Did you just defend her?" Jess dropped two DVDs and turned around.

Nora blushed hard. "Well, she was horrible for James. It's not like I think it would have worked out. She has a lot of issues."

"Issues?" Jess said, and Beth snorted.

"Yeah, she's messed up," Nora persisted, near crying but still stubborn. "That was the other thing. James thought he could save her."

To Nora's surprise, Beth stopped laughing. "You're probably right, actually. It's like a reverse version of bad-boy appeal."

Jess winced, and Nora guessed she was thinking about Lee. "Maybe," Jess said, and changed the subject. "But back to James – I don't think Jackie leaving is the only thing cheering him up. You're really good for him, Nora."

Nora looked away.

"Yeah," Beth agreed again. "I've really been a bad friend this semester – Alex is distracting me. But it's just as well. I wouldn't have the patience to sit there and play Scrabble every night with James. He's depressing when he gets broody."

"Nora's so loyal," said Jess, which gave Nora an excuse to be blushing again.

"Stop it, you two," she said, and laughed, but it sounded a little weak.

* * *

Like last year, she spent Christmas week at home, and Uncle Bill asked her to come for the rest of break to stay at the Bayfields' and work at his company. James came to pick her up New Year's Eve. When they were in the car, before he put the key in the ignition, he pulled a small rectangular package out of his coat pocket and handed it to her.

"Merry Christmas a little late."

"What's this?"

James looked a little flushed. "I know we don't usually give Christmas presents between all the cousins, but – I don't know, I saw it and thought of you. Now don't get all weird on me, and freak out because you didn't get me anything. It's just a small way to say thank you for being such a good friend this last semester. You stood by me through the tough times and I know it can't have been easy."

Nora tore away the paper. It was an book, an old book, bound with cloth, the corners worn and bent inwards. It was a copy of _Jane Eyre_ , the name embossed in the cover although the gilding had long ago rubbed away. She opened the cover and saw it was inscribed in sepia-colored copperplate, to "Anna" with a date of 1899. Under the original inscription James had written carefully "To Nora, one hundred and one years later." Her eyes filled.

"I know it would be even better if it were Jane Austen," James said. "But I thought you liked that too, and the date and everything was perfect. It's not really valuable or anything. I did look that up."

"Oh James. Oh James – where did you find this?"

"You're not going to believe that, actually – it was at our church holiday rummage sale. I won't tell you how much I paid for it, or you won't think it's a very good present."

Nora snickered, trying not to cry outright. "Don't be silly, James. You know very well how much I love this. Thank you."

She leaned over and hugged him, trying to put everything she was feeling into her embrace. But he pulled away too soon, a little sharply. He didn't look at her as he started the car. Nora sank back in her seat, all her pleasure in the gift draining away. Had she given herself away? Had he read too much into her hug? She couldn't bear to have things become awkward with James, not after all this time.

There was a brief silence, and when Nora checked out of the corner of her eye she saw that James looked pale now instead of flushed. She rubbed the cover of the book between her hands, quivering on the edge of tears again.

"So you do like _Jane Eyre_ , right?" asked James in his usual tone of voice, as if the stern look on his face had been nothing more than her imagination. Nora lifted her head and tried to match his casual delivery as she replied. But she wasn't sure it had been her imagination, after all.


	36. Chapter 36

Nora slid her Scrabble tiles across their tray again, fruitlessly. She wasn't even really seeing them, let alone making words. There could have been a triple word score possibility staring her in the face and she wouldn't have noticed.

It was no good. No matter how she considered it, James was going to find out one way or another. She might as well tell him what had happened, so he'd hear it from her in the gentlest way possible.

"James," she said.

"Hmm." He was staring intently at a five-letter combination on his own tray.

"Lee is in my American Lit class."

It was worse than she expected. She thought James would look sad or depressed, but in fact he looked furious.

" _What?_ "

"Yeah, I just wanted to tell you so you don't get a shock later. James, it's not a big deal –"

"Maybe he didn't know. He might have the sense to drop it, when he sees you."

Nora shook her head. "I don't think so. He was actually adding it, and he looked right at me when Dr. Johnson was signing the schedule card for him."

"Okay, that's not acceptable," snapped James. "Don't worry, Nora. Maybe we can talk to the dean."

"No, really –"

"Do you want me to? I could tell Dad."

"James. It's not that important."

"It is important. I won't have him harassing you after everything he's already put you through. What is he _thinking_?"

Nora was appalled. "James, stop," she said, firmly enough to attract his attention. "I didn't mean to upset you like this. I probably shouldn't have said anything. But you don't have to do anything. I don't even care that he's there. I just wanted you to know."

James stared at her. "Nora, I don't know. Are you sure? You're not just trying to downplay it because you don't want anyone to fuss over you?"

"No, it's really okay. I promise," she said earnestly. "I don't care about him. I never did. I mean, of course I despise what he did to Megan. But it doesn't bother me to see him, as long as he doesn't try to sit next to me or something."

"You tell me if he does that," James said, taking her hand. He looked fiercer than Nora had ever seen him, and she couldn't meet his eyes, though she couldn't quite pull her hand away either.

"I will," she said, more to calm James than anything. "I truly never cared about him, James," she repeated. No one had ever quite believed her about that, she still thought.

"I know, you've said." James leaned back against the sofa, Scrabble forgotten. "I think it's difficult to understand because I'm trying to find excuses for my own stupidity in falling for them. How did you end up so much wiser than the rest of us, Nora?"

She considered a number of responses – I was protected by being in love with you, James. I wasn't blinded by attraction. No one ever notices when I'm around, so I get to see things other people don't, like Lee wooing two sisters at the same time.

"I had a little more distance," she finally said. "Anyway, I'm not that wise. Lee was almost winning me over, in spite of everything I knew about him. I was almost to the point of liking him anyway. Who knows what would have happened?"

* * *

Beth was almost as upset as James had been when Nora told her the latest developments.

"That creep! Why can't he just stay away from you? If he really cared about you, he would. And if he doesn't care about you, he doesn't have any excuse to be following you around."

"James was really angry," Nora added, wondering if maybe she herself had underestimated the possible malevolence of Lee's behavior. "He said he'd take care of it if Lee tries anything else."

"Good! He _should_ be protective of you," nodded Beth.

Nora flushed a little at the idea. She'd hadn't exactly thought of it as protectiveness of _her_ , specifically.

"I suppose, considering what's happened to his family," she said. "But it worried me – James doesn't usually fly off the handle."

"No, I'm with him in this case. I'm surprised you aren't more upset yourself, Nora."

"There isn't much Lee can do to hurt me."

"So calm, all-knowing Nora," said Beth, affectionately mocking. "I still feel horrible for telling you to go for him, you know. Thank goodness you knew better."

Nora was beginning to think it might be more embarrassing to have been right about Lee than to have been mistaken. "Maybe I wasn't wise, just stubborn," she suggested, in desperation.

"You, stubborn?" Beth laughed.

But she had been. Stubborn and intolerant and hopelessly in love.

To everyone's continued shock, Lee made no further move in the next few weeks. He didn't try to speak to Nora, and he sat on the opposite side of the room. Every now and then he'd catch her eye, look at her for a few seconds, and glance away. It was almost as if he'd taken the class just to keep an eye on her. Nora began to be a little afraid of him despite herself, but she wouldn't admit it to James for the world. Logically, what she had said to Beth was still true. Nothing Lee did could hurt her now.

* * *

On a Saturday afternoon in February Nora went over to the Sticks to study with James for their first art history test. It was sleeting and even at one o'clock it seemed dusky. It would have been the perfect afternoon to take naps, or watch movies, or reread an antique copy of _Jane Eyre_. She was going to have a hard time focusing on dates and artist names, she could tell.

James opened the door when she knocked and actually pulled her inside so he could slam the door against the ice.

"What a horrible day, huh? If we didn't have over a hundred works of art to memorize by Monday, I would have called you and told you not to come. Do you want something hot? I think we have some packets of hot chocolate somewhere."

"That would be great, thank you, James."

He went into the kitchen and filled the hot pot, and then opened a cupboard. "I think the hot chocolate is in here. We don't drink it much, but it's definitely called for today. Yeah, here it is."

"Those look familiar," said Nora, laughing at the bulk-labeled packets he pulled out.

"What, are you suggesting I would smuggle from the cafeteria?"

"WWAS!" she cried, without thinking.

"What?"

"Oh, sorry, that's an in-joke Beth and I have. It means What Would Anne Say. It's a Jane Austen thing," she added as James still looked puzzled.

"Say no more! I probably wouldn't get it even if you explained."

"We should all watch _Persuasion_ some weekend," said Nora, boldly. "It's Beth's favorite, and she can never get Alex to watch it with her. But if you watched –"

"I guess I could. There's no reason why a history major couldn't get a little education in literature, too. Which one is your favorite?"

"Which Austen novel?"

"Sure – you're always talking about them. I feel like I should know."

"It depends on my mood. Sometimes I like _Sense and Sensibility_ best, sometimes _Persuasion_."

James looked blank, then laughed. "I have a lot to learn, I guess. I didn't know there were so many besides _Pride and Prejudice_. Here you go." He poured the hot water into the mugs and handed her one.

They sat down on the couch in the living room with their hot cocoa, and Nora opened the art history textbook between them so they could both see the illustrations.

"All right, let's go down the list of artworks. It's going to be awful memorizing these dates – maybe we should make flashcards."

"You get credit if you put them within the correct half-century," James reminded her.

"Oh that's right!" she said, struck with an inspiration. "Hey, in that case why don't we put them in time period categories? Don't you think it would be easier to memorize chunks in a series, rather than an individual date for each one?"

She started drawing brackets around all the works of art in the same category, to show him.

"Brilliant – that's why I asked you to study with me. I don't know why I've never thought of it that way. It would have made my church history exams a lot easier."

"All the High Renaissance stuff is from the same time block anyway, so we can just memorize the same thing for all of them," Nora said, observing her list. Having reached over to turn a page in the book, she absently began fiddling with one of the fabric-covered buttons on the sofa cushion.

"I think I've got a handle on the Renaissance," agreed James, paging through his notes.

"Then the Mannerist period – that's not so bad, it's short and most of them are El Greco, so if he puts up a slide with lots of funny-looking elongated figures in hot pink –"

Nora trailed off, because James had put his hand over hers to make her quit her fidgeting with the sofa button, and instead of pulling away, he curled his fingers around hers, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand.


	37. Chapter 37

It suddenly felt as if the silence had been going on for ever. Nora thought she might be literally speechless – she couldn't have spoken even if she had wanted to, which she wasn't sure she did. In the quiet, she could hear sleet hitting the windows over her head, and a clock ticking in the kitchen, even the rasp of James's jeans against the sofa as he shifted a little closer to her, still holding her hand.

"Nora, can I ask you something?"

She nodded, and looked up to meet his eyes, green-grey and intent.

"You know what just kills me?" he said, which she guessed was not the question he meant to ask her. "That I've wasted so much time. Before you answer, just know I won't blame you if you say no, considering how stupid I've been. Above all, I can't stand to lose your friendship, so if you have to say no, just say it and I'll pretend I never said anything, okay?"

She thought she might pass out if he didn't go on and say it. She couldn't be wrong – he was going to ask her –

He started to speak, cleared his throat, and started again. "I wanted to ask you – if you'd consider dating me. I've finally started to realize how you fit into my life better than anyone I've ever known, and how important your friendship is to me, and in fact – it's more than friendship to me, way more. But as I said, I'd understand perfectly if you'd rather just go on being friends only, or if you really think of me as a cousin –"

"No," said Nora, to his last phrase. And then seeing his face fall, she realized what it had sounded like to him and amended, "I mean yes. I mean yes, James, I'd love to." And, of course, she burst into tears.

But it was the nicest, loveliest burst of tears she'd ever had, because James shoved the art history book out of the way and put his arms around her, and at last she could put her head down on his shoulder and cling to him, not like a brother and not like a cousin, but as her James. And the tighter she held him, the closer he pulled her, pressing his face against hers and lifting his hand to stroke her hair.

After a few minutes James pulled away slightly and looked down at her. "I'm sorry, we're such guys, I don't even know if we have any kleenex in the house," he said, as Nora tried to wipe her eyes. "Let me go see." He disentangled himself and got up, and Nora sat on the sofa wondering if she had dozed off in the dusky afternoon and was actually sleeping back in her dorm.

Apparently she wasn't, and this was really happening; because when James came back looking sheepish with a battered travel packet of tissues, he sat down next to her and reached his arm around her shoulders to tuck her in to his side. Nora leaned into him, feeling his body against hers with her whole being. She tried not to tremble, but it was no good. James rubbed her arm, and with his other hand he took hers, as if he couldn't stand not to be touching her. Nora was lost in the beauty of it.

"I can't believe you said yes," James murmured.

"Why wouldn't I say yes?"

"You know – as if it weren't enough that I've been a complete idiot for the last year and a half – for most of the time we've been friends, actually – there's the family connection. I thought you might be really weirded out."

"It's not like we grew up together or something," Nora objected. "We barely knew each other before last year."

"I'm really wishing now I hadn't introduced you to so many people as my cousin, though. We are going to get so many strange looks."

"I hadn't thought of that," she said, smiling. It was funny – she had been in love with James for so long she'd forgotten they were supposed to be related. She couldn't tell him that – it was too soon to speak of how long she'd waited for him, and how nearly he'd broken her heart over her own roommate. Eventually, maybe...

But he had picked up on something in her tone. "Thought of it?" he repeated. "You say that like you've already thought of everything else. Are you saying you really wanted this, too? I can't get over it, Nora. Do you really feel the same way about me?"

"Yes," she said, and her eyes filled again. "You have no idea. I – I care about you so much. You think _you're_ surprised – I thought it was just hopeless for me. I thought you'd never see me as anything but another little sister."

"No, not as a sister. Well, all right – I did, at first, before I got to know you. And then you were a friend, and then a very good friend, my best friend."

"How long have you felt – more than friendship?" she asked.

"I don't know exactly, sometime last semester, when I was starting to – get my mind back in order. Nora – this isn't a rebound thing. I wouldn't want you to think that. I know what I'm doing now – I know you're the one for me. We're so _right_ for each other – Sorry, I wasn't going to say that; I don't want to freak you out."

She smiled at him. He could say a lot more without freaking her out.

"You're not, are you? You're not freaked out." For a minute, Nora thought he was going to kiss her, but he drew back a little. "How long have you felt this way about me?"

Oh no – she should have known he would echo her question. "A while," she said, dropping her eyes involuntarily, though she tried to keep them on his.

He didn't say anything.

"A _long_ time," she added, helplessly. She really hadn't meant to tell him, but she couldn't keep anything from him – it poured out in spite of her. "Maybe a year – no – longer than that –"

"Oh, _Nora_."

"James – it's not really – I'd rather not talk about it."

"Okay, but – you should hate me. I don't have any excuse for being so stupid."

"Well, I don't hate you."

"I'm so lucky. I mean it. I am unbelievably lucky."

Nora had to reach for another tissue. She wished she could stop crying – she probably looked horrible, all red in the face and swollen. But when he said things like that, it was impossible.

While she was trying to blow her nose discreetly, the door banged and Alex came in. "Oops, excuse me," he said, and went upstairs.

"You know what?" James said, laughing.

"What?"

"It's just as well Alex interrupted, because – we're going to fail this art history test."

"Oh –" Nora smiled back at him. He was so gorgeous when he smiled, not to mention looking down at her like that, his eyes tender. She was melting. She could hardly remember what she was going to say, let alone anything she'd ever learned about art history. "Yeah, I kind of forgot about it."

"Do you want to try and get some more studying done before dinner?" James leaned forward and fished the textbook out from under the coffee table, where it had fallen with its cover crumpled underneath it. "Um, sorry about that – it doesn't look like you're going to get top dollar if you try to sell it back to the bookstore." He tried to smooth out the crease in the cover, but it was pretty bent.

"That's okay," Nora said, and laughed at herself. As if she'd be worried about the resale condition of her art history book, at a moment like this. "It's _really_ okay."

When Alex came back down an hour or two later, they were nestled into the corner of the couch with the art history book open across both their knees. Nora had never felt less prepared for an exam in her life.

Alex raised his eyebrows at them. "O-kay. Um, are you guys going to dinner? Or do you want to just order pizza and make the poor delivery guy go out in the sleet, instead of us?"

"Pizza!" said Nora instantly. She felt like celebrating. "I'll call Beth and ask her to come over. I guess that means _she_ has to go out in the weather, but anyway –" she got up, burning with embarrassment. Who knew what Alex was thinking, but James was going to have to explain it. The phone was in the kitchen, and as she left the room she heard Alex say, "James?"

Nora hardly knew what she said to Beth, except that she repeated herself several times, because Beth laughed at her for it. But when she went back to the living room the worst seemed to be over; Alex had relaxed into a chair, smirking across at James.

"Hey Nora," he said, when she sat down awkwardly next to James. "It's okay, James explained. You were starting to really scare me, though. I knew you two were close, but that's not exactly the way I sit with any of my girl cousins. I'm glad for you both."

James took her hand again, which only barely prevented her from dying of mortification. Fortunately, Beth and the pizza arrived at about the same time, which forestalled any more embarrassing moments, for a while at least. But considering James wouldn't let her sit at a decent distance from him, Nora knew she couldn't long escape explaining all over again to Beth. When she tried to sit on the floor to eat her pizza, he sat down on the couch behind her and pulled her back so she was leaning against his legs. It felt wonderful to be so close to him, but Nora couldn't fully enjoy the sensation with Beth giving her significant and very curious looks all the time.

When she got up to take her plate to the kitchen, Beth darted after her.

"Um, Nora?" Beth said, pulling on her arm to hold her back from going out to the living room again. "Am I missing something here? Do you have something you need to tell me?"

Nora was blushing so hard it was almost literally painful. "Yeah, I guess so. It just happened this afternoon, though."

"You and James."

"Yes."

"Wow. But you _are_ cousins, right?"

Nora sighed. James was right, this was going to get awkward, having to explain all the time. "We are and we aren't," she said. "We're technically step-cousins. James's mom died in a car accident when he was really young, and my Aunt Elle married his dad a few years later. So we're not actually related by blood – we've just always introduced each other as cousins because saying "step-cousin" sounds so ridiculous. And you don't want to get into the details of family history when you first meet someone."

"Oh, okay. I was starting to worry that you were taking the Austen Society a little far! I mean, I think first-cousin marriage is still legal in some states, not that you're getting married or anything, yet –"

Nora giggled.

"I guess I should probably just shut up and say I'm really happy for you, shouldn't I?"

"You can say whatever you want, Bethie."

"Wow, you're just over the moon, aren't you? What happened to Nora, my serious roommate? All right Nora, come on, you can't just grin at me like that and not say anything. Dish, girl! What happened? When did you start liking him?"

"Um, it's been – quite a while actually –"

"Nora! How could you not tell me something like that?" Beth looked really hurt.

"I'm sorry – please don't be upset, Bethie. I just couldn't – I wanted to tell you so many times, but honestly I thought it was hopeless. I didn't think James would ever like me in that way, and I thought it would be easier for me if I just tried to forget all about it. So I never told anyone."

"If you had, I would have told you to stop being so silly. Why wouldn't James like you?"

"That's exactly my point. You probably would have tried to encourage me and I just didn't think I could stand it. I'm sorry – I was wrong, obviously. If I had told anyone, it would have been you."

Beth softened, and drew her into a hug. "Aw, poor Nora. You didn't have to be such a martyr, but I think I understand."

When they pulled away, James was standing in the doorway.

"I came to see what was taking you so long, and look what I find. I didn't think there were that many dishes. So you approve, Beth?"

Beth approved, it seemed, from the way she squealed and hugged James and then hugged Nora again.


	38. Chapter 38

The next morning being Sunday, Nora met James for breakfast before church. Hardly anyone was up – Sunday breakfast wasn't popular anyway; and considering the sleet accumulation from last night, it looked like a good number of students had decided to attend the congregation of St. Mattress that morning. But from safely inside, it was a beautiful morning, the sun bouncing off the layer of ice that coated buildings and sidewalks. Stamping the accumulated slush off her feet as she entered the cafeteria, Nora met James's smile all the way across the room and felt warm right down to her half-frozen toes. They almost had the room to themselves, and as she sat down next to him with her tray (the usual cheerios and yogurt) he gave her a quick pat on the shoulder – a very James-like gesture, and one he had given her many times before. But it felt different this morning, more tender, more meaning. Nora gazed back at him mutely. She couldn't quite stop smiling; there were only smiles and bigger smiles.

"Still up for church, then?" he asked.

"If you think it's too icy to walk –"

"No, if you want to go, I wouldn't mind. I feel like it would be appropriate, somehow. But we don't have to walk. I parked my car on the street behind the student union."

They didn't talk much more over breakfast. Nora felt fuzzy-headed with happiness, and anything she wanted to say would probably have sounded completely silly.

In the car, James said, "You know, Nora, I've been thinking we should probably take this as slowly as we can."

She had been dreaming, looking at his profile. "Yes – the roads are probably pretty slippery."

He laughed. "I mean this, Nora," and he reached over and squeezed her hand. "I mean our relationship."

"Oh," she said, feeling stupid, and not sure what he meant. Was he having second thoughts?

"It's going to be tempting to – well, not to hold back, I guess. Considering I'm graduating in three months. And I told you yesterday – I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. But that's all the more reason not to rush – we shouldn't cheat ourselves of letting things progress naturally, you know?"

"Yes – I guess. I'm not sure what you're saying."

"Well, for instance," James pulled into the church parking lot, stopped the car, and turned to face her. He flushed. "For instance, I really wanted to kiss you yesterday. It's not that I'm against kissing, not at all – when the time is right. But I think it wouldn't be right to – Ugh, this is so hard to explain. We've been such good friends. You're my best friend. We have all the time in the world to get used to being more than that. Does that make any sense?"

If Nora had thought about it, which she hadn't, rushing into anything with James would have been the last of her worries. It had already been so long, for her. She wasn't sure what to say. James was probably right, but if she was being completely honest with herself – she really wanted him to kiss her.

"Sorry, Nora, I probably shouldn't have said all this right now. I _am_ freaking you out."

"No, you're not, really. I'm – I'm sure of you, too, James." She looked up at him, and he sighed.

"See? So tempting to ignore everything I just said." He moved a little closer to her.

She held her breath, but he looked at the clock in the dashboard. "We're going to be late for church. Why don't we talk about this more later?"

What a moment for church to interrupt! Nora knew she wouldn't be able to pay any attention to the sermon. It could have been about the sinfulness of kissing before marriage, for all she knew. She couldn't comprehend anything with James sitting next to her – it would have been difficult on this morning of mornings, anyway, but she was suddenly a little shaken in her certainty of him. Nothing could erase her joy, but it had a slight edge to it now. In theory, she'd always agreed with the idea of going into a relationship with caution and proceeding slowly. But now – she stared up at the pulpit and watched the pastor's mouth moving and tried to understand why she was so unsettled.

When they stood up to sing James held the hymnal for her, with a sidewise smile. Nora sighed inwardly, wishing she could sing better. James had a warm tenor voice and she almost hated to blend hers with it. She could stay on key, but that was about it. Jackie – Nora caught herself on the thought that Jackie's voice would have sounded better with James's. It didn't matter now, she reminded herself. James wanted _her_.

And that was the problem. Deep in her heart, she wasn't yet convinced he did want her. He'd said she was his best friend, that she belonged in his life. But she couldn't help wondering if he would ever admire her the way he had admired Jackie – he hadn't said she looked beautiful, not even that morning, though she'd picked her most flattering outfit for church. She wished she could know that he found her attractive, even if she wasn't as pretty or as talented as Jackie. If only he were a little less wise and logical about kissing her.

As they walked back out to the car, James took her hand, which made her feel a little better.

"I should call Dad and tell him about us," he remarked, opening the car door for her.

Nora forgot her worries about kissing and Jackie in a sudden nervous jump of her stomach. "Oh James – is he going to be upset?"

"What? Of course not. Why would he be upset? He adores you. Come over to the Sticks with me after lunch while I call him."

"Oh no, I can't," Nora said, mortified. What would Uncle Bill think of her? He might like her as a protege, but that didn't necessarily mean he would like her as his son's girlfriend.

But it was impossible to resist James's persuasion, so after lunch in the cafeteria with Beth and Alex ("Double date!" giggled Beth), she went. She sat fidgeting on the sofa while James called, blushing to herself while she listened to James explaining their new status. Despite the fact that she had lain awake last night for several hours relishing the phrase "James's girlfriend" in her head, she was not yet accustomed to hear it in ordinary conversation.

"Dad wants to talk to you," said James, holding out the phone. He grinned reassuringly, but Nora took it with trembling hands.

"Hi Uncle Bill –"

James put his arm around her from the side and rubbed her back. He probably meant it to be comforting, but Nora almost dropped the phone, her face so hot she was probably actually radiating.

" – exactly what I hoped," said Uncle Bill, unbelievably.

"I'm sorry, did you say – you're okay with it?" Nora stuttered.

Uncle Bill gave one of his resonant laughs. "Good lord, Nora! I couldn't be more pleased. I told James he'd better take good care of you. He'd better take you out for dinner, and nothing cheap, mind."

* * *

Nora had been a little afraid of Jessie's reaction too – she thought Jess would be pleased, but she could be so forthrightly opinionated. If she weren't happy, or if she thought it was weird – who knew what she'd say? What Nora didn't expect was to get back to her room at Gordon and nearly be knocked over by Jess barreling into her.

"I _knew_ it," Jess shrieked in Nora's ear, almost lifting her off the floor. Jess was strong.

"You knew it?" Nora gasped, pulling free with some difficulty.

"Okay, I hoped it. You're so much better for James than _she_ was. Isn't she?" Jess appealed to Beth.

Nora still couldn't believe that the entire Bayfield family (well, except Megan) seemed to be so happy for her – seemed to want her to be one of them. After the first shock of finding James actually returned her feelings, when she had leisure to think about the Bayfield family, she had felt a little like an intruder.

Jess made her sit down and explain exactly how it had all come about. This was, of course, embarrassing, but Nora was beginning to enjoy the attention a little under the embarrassment. It was gratifying to have Jess and Beth squeal in unison when she described what James had said to her.

"Aww. I didn't think my brother had it in him to be so romantic," sighed Jess.

"Hasn't he ever dated anyone before?" Beth asked. "I always wondered."

Nora looked down. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"Not seriously," said Jess cheerfully. "Not if you don't count _her_. That was just infatuation, anyway. Other than that year of insanity, he's mostly been disgustingly rational about girls."

Nora was pleased, but that nagging feeling of doubt returned. Was James being disgustingly rational about her? Being insane was bad, of course, but wouldn't it be nice if he were just slightly crazy for her?

Nora's family did not react nearly so satisfactorily to her news. It wasn't that they were upset, but mostly they were indifferent. Ruthie did send an email with plenty of exclamation points, but Nora's father just laughed at her, and her mother only said "how nice." Chris was pleased, but distracted by telling Nora all about the table he was making.

There was one more person Nora had forgotten, whose reaction she had not even thought to wonder about. Lee dropped her American Lit class the next week.


	39. Chapter 39

With the art history exam out of the way, the next thing looming on the horizon was a literature paper. This one was for Dr. Whitefield, who taught the American lit survey class she was taking. He didn't seem to be quite as exacting as Janssen, but all the same Nora had been somewhat distracted from her studies lately, and it was high time to start working on an outline. Nora had her doubts about how much work she'd get done at the Sticks, but she had given in and gone anyway. If she sat in her dorm room she'd probably just waste time dreaming anyway. It seemed to be a chronic affliction with her this semester.

At the Sticks, she set her laptop on the coffee table and unpacked her book bag.

"Are you sure you don't mind? I'm making an awful mess," she said to James as he came down the stairs with his own computer. Her books covered half the sofa and she had her notes all over the coffee table.

"Let me see. Do I mind having you here with me instead of shut up in your room where I can't get to you? No, I think I'll be able to handle it."

She flushed, wondering if she would ever get over being shocked when James said things like that to her.

"Um, I should probably tell you," Nora said, scanning the index of her book on Puritan poetry. "Lee dropped my class."

"Good."

Nora looked up at him. "Did you say something?"

"No – well, yes, actually. Not to him. I said something to you. I think it was 'Nora, please go out with me.'" James looked smug.

"Actually it was, 'would you consider dating me,'" she murmured. The exact words were burned in her brain forever. "Do you really think that's why he dropped?"

"Douglas gossip travels fast, and it's kind of a scandal because everyone thinks we're cousins. I keep correcting people, but I can't keep up with the speed of rumor."

Nora giggled. She should probably be appalled about being a Douglas scandal, but James didn't seem to be bothered. In fact he looked even more satisfied than before. James being smug was adorable, she thought. It was hard to feel at all bad for Lee, anyway.

They worked in silence for a while. Nora was copying key quotations in below her outline when she felt James lean over behind her.

"You are the most careful writer I've ever seen," he remarked. "No wonder Janssen thinks you're a wonder student." He brushed the hair away from her neck and bent closer. Nora stopped typing as he pressed his lips to the side of her throat. She was suddenly hot, despite the draftiness of the Sticks living room.

"Nora?"

"Mmm?" she replied, trying not to sound breathless.

"What did you mean the other day, when you said you are sure of me?"

"Um. You know, like you said – I know – I know this is what I want."

" _How_ do you know, Nora? Honestly I'm not sure what you see in me. I haven't given you the best example of making wise decisions, so far. Asking you out is probably the only good choice I've made in a year."

"James, I don't blame you for anything that's happened. And you're wrong if you think you haven't given me plenty of reasons to be sure of you. From the first moment, last year, when you stopped in the computer lab and I was upset, I knew what kind of a person you are – the kind of person who would go out of his way to help someone else."

He sat back a little. Nora couldn't read his expression. "When I helped you in the computer lab? I don't even remember – oh yeah, the first day of classes? That was nothing. I'm not that wonderful – you shouldn't be lifting me up like that."

"I'm not – I know what I'm talking about," she insisted, speaking faster in her effort to convince him. "I'm not saying I – fell in love with you right that moment. I suppose I had a crush on you, at first. But you've been a good friend to me – it's not your fault I wanted more. You're kind and generous, and you like the same things I like, and we have great discussions about everything –" she paused, catching her breath. "That's another thing. I felt like you saw me for myself. You always wanted to know my opinions."

"Except your opinion about the Cadwells," he corrected bitterly.

"Well, you didn't listen very well then," Nora admitted. "But you did ask me. The fact that you made a mistake about – about Jackie – that has nothing to do with it. Anyone can make a mistake."

"It was more than a mistake. I was choosing based on all the wrong reasons."

"But you can look back and see that."

"Nora, I don't even know what I'm doing. I went out a couple of times in high school, but nothing serious. And then – I wasted a lot of time going in the wrong direction. I know I was right to ask you out – that's not what I mean. But I might hurt you the next time I do something stupid. I can't trust my own judgment."

Nora hardly knew what they were talking about anymore. It had started to feel like an argument, and she didn't want to argue. She just wanted James to stop putting himself down.

" _I_ trust you," she said.

James looked at her for what seemed like minutes. He put his hand back on her neck, playing with her hair. And then he leaned in, tilting his head. Nora felt as if her whole body was pulsing with the rhythm of his breathing. She thought she could feel his heart beating through his fingers. He paused, almost there.

"Is this okay?"

She tried to nod, but she wasn't even sure if she had moved before his mouth touched hers.

Nora had imagined kissing James, dozens of times if she was honest. But this – to know what he tasted like, felt like against her lips – it was more intimate, more alive, than she ever could have guessed. She couldn't stand it when he drew away, and she pulled him back for another kiss, feeling she could never be satisfied.

"So much for taking it slowly," he said when they broke apart. "I just couldn't help it, dear, you looked so sweet. You're really okay with this?" He laughed at her incredulous look. "Sorry, I guess that's a stupid question."

Nora loved that he called her 'dear'. It sounded slightly old-fashioned – so James. But he thought she looked sweet – what did that mean?

"What's the matter?" he said at her change of expression. "Talk, Nora – you're scaring me."

She said nothing.

"Come on, Nora. You have to talk to me. Something's bothering you. You have to get used to telling me things – you said you trust me, right?"

"I do trust you, but – it's embarrassing." She knew she was making it worse on herself the longer she delayed. "James – what do you see in me?"

He burst out laughing. "Oh Nora. Do you really have to ask?"

"Yes, I do have to ask," she retorted, a little indignantly. It was okay for him to have doubts, but not for her? "I'm always awkward, and I'll always be shy, and I know I'm not pretty –"

" _What_? Who told you you're not pretty?"

She stuttered, "No one – I just – I know I'm not. I have eyes. I'm just sort of normal-looking, not like J– like Jess or even Beth."

"Like Jackie? Is that what you were going to say? Is that what this is about?"

Nora bent her head, miserable, tears near the surface.

"Are you really doubting whether I'm attracted to you? Nora! I'm kissing you against my own better judgement, what do you think?"

She half-laughed in spite of herself, mortified and relieved at the same time.

"Who's asking stupid questions now?" teased James, pulling her closer.

"I know it's stupid. I just can't help it –" She couldn't quite joke about it yet.

"Nora, look," he said in a more serious tone. "I don't want to spend all our time together talking about her, but I don't mind if you have questions. I can talk about Jackie now, if that's what you need to feel secure. It's not painful to me anymore. If you're just sitting there internally comparing yourself to her and feeling inferior – that's horrible. You can't do that, Nora. It's not even the same kind of thing. What I feel for you isn't in the same category. You're not in the same category –" He broke off, looking frustrated. "This is ridiculous. I don't know what to say to convince you."

He leaned forward, cupping her head in his hands, and kissed her again, more deeply than before.

"I never did _that_ with Jackie, or anyone else, if that's what you want to know," he whispered against her face. "You're beautiful, Nora. Just because you don't have the same kind of looks as someone else, or curly hair, or whatever it is that's bothering you – it doesn't mean you're not beautiful. You have gorgeous eyes, and I love your smile –"

Her lips curved involuntarily at the word.

"See?" said James. "That was the first thing that got me. The first thing that made my heart jump. Your smile, Nora."

She hid it against his shoulder.

"I probably shouldn't be saying all these things," James mused. "I just – no, I won't say any more."

"James!" Nora protested, exasperated. The exclamation burst out before she thought.

He pulled back a little, bewildered. "What?"

"It's just – we're friends, right? – and we have so much behind us. We've been through so much and that's – I don't know how to say this. It's sort of coloring everything. Maybe you _should_ say things. Maybe we should say everything."

He paused for a long time. Nora's stomach twisted. Why had she gone and overcomplicated a lovely moment?

But James said, "You're right. You're right, Nora. Maybe I should start trusting you, for a change." And he kissed her, until she'd almost forgotten what they were talking about in the first place.

"I'll say it, then –" James whispered. "Nora, I love you –"


	40. Epilogue

From: Jacqueline Cadwell (cadwellja@mstateu.edu)  
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)  
Subject: Congrats

Nora,

Hi. It's been a while. What a stupid thing to say. I guess I don't really know where to start.

Congratulations on everything. I keep up on what's going on, you know. I heard you're in the top ten of your class, and graduating summa cum laude. That means something at Douglas. I should know. I hate a good many things about ol' Douglas, but I have to admit that means something.

I can imagine the way you're looking right now. No, I mean I hate it. I could pretend and say 'it just wasn't a good fit for me,' but really I hate it. I hate how uptight and snobby and full of themselves everyone is there. I hate more that they actually have something to be snobby about (not nearly as much as your Uncle Bill thinks, but enough). Ugh, I hate that I still miss some things about it.

It's just not the same here. No one knows you and no one really cares. It's nice if you want to hide. It's bad when you're lonely.

Well, that's enough obnoxious whining/philosophical musings from Jackie. It's not that bad, actually. I don't regret deciding to transfer. I couldn't have majored in entertainment management if I'd stayed at D. And since the classes are easier I have more time for what I really want to do. I've still got another semester to go. Douglas's great classical education didn't transfer that well. Not that I care. I'm not that excited about graduating. Not like you probably are. You have so many things to get excited about.

Like... you're getting married. Congrats on that too. It may not seem like it, but I'm honestly happy for you. I know you're a really decent person, Nora. You were always right for him. I think I knew that even at the time, because it annoyed me that you were so close – don't worry, I didn't ever suspect you of trying anything underhanded. You're way too nice for that.

I just hope you'll make it. The world isn't as nice as you are.

Don't feel like you have to write back. I know 'Cadwell' is still a bad word over there. I just thought I would let you know I'm wishing you the best. And believe it or not, I really mean it.

Jackie

PS Lee still talks about you.

* * *

**The End**


End file.
